Sporting headlines

Rugby union In the Premiership, Saracens beat Northampton 27-25. Bristol were relegated following their 21-36 defeat to Wasps. Worcester beat Bath 25-19. Cricket Alastair Cook made 110 in his first competitive match since standing down as England captain, leading Essex to an eight-wicket victory over Somerset. Football Brighton were promoted to the Premier League. John Terry announced that he will leave Chelsea at the end of the season. Harry Redknapp was named Birmingham City manager.

“I sentence you to two weeks at Center Parcs in the middle of August, and may God have mercy on your soul.”