IT MUST BE TRUE…

I read it in the tabloids

An antisocial Spanish woman reportedly pretended to be blind for 28 years, so that she wouldn’t have to stop and say hello to people in the street. Carmen Jiménez, 57, told everyone, including her own family, that she’d lost her vision in an accident. Her husband and family were shocked when she came clean, yet not entirely surprised. They’d felt there was something fishy about her story: her husband said she could put on her makeup perfectly, and that they sometimes caught her looking at the TV from the corner of her eye. “I’ve never been a very social person,” she said. “By pretending to be blind, I was able to avoid many social responsibilities.” A 70ft-high cutout of Theresa May mysteriously – and briefly – appeared on the White Cliffs of Dover this week. The giant 2D effigy featured the PM in a Union flag skirt, and sticking two fingers up towards the Channel, and Europe. It was erected on Monday, by parties unknown, filmed by a drone, and then taken down again.

An Indian judge has been mocked for claiming that peacocks do not mate, but sire offspring through their tears. Justice Mahesh Chandra Sharma made the bizarre remark after recommending that the cow – considered holy by Hindus – be declared India’s national animal, because it is “as pious as a peacock”. “A peacock is a lifelong celibate,” he explained, at the Rajasthan High Court, on his final day before retiring. “It never has sex with the peahen. The peahen gets pregnant after swallowing the tears of the peacock.”