IT MUST BE TRUE…

I read it in the tabloids

The Royal Oak in Ulley, South Yorkshire, has been dubbed “Britain’s strictest pub”, after it emerged that punters wearing trainers, jogging bottoms, baseball caps, vest tops or high-vis workwear are not welcome. Motorbikes and mopeds are also banned at the pub, as is sitting on the 3ft wall outside it, while children aren’t allowed after 7pm. Rumours suggest that the new rules come right from the top of Samuel Smith Brewery. Its eccentric owner, Humphrey Smith, 73, last year banned swearing in all 300 of his pubs. A pet parrot stranded on a roof greeted firefighters who came to rescue it by telling them to “f*** off”. The fire brigade was called after Jessie the macaw spent three days perched on a house roof in Edmonton, north London. Its owner instructed the firefighter who climbed a ladder to reach it to say “I love you” to win it over. The bird at first said it loved him back, but the bond soon turned sour as Jessie launched into a foulmouthed tirade, before eventually returning home “of her own accord”.

A suitcase full of sex toys caused the closure of a busy airport terminal in Berlin after the contents – initially described as “technical stuff” by their shamefaced owner – were mistaken for explosives. The bag was flagged up during a scan for “suspicious content” last week, causing part of Schönefeld airport to be shut down. But its owner was so embarrassed that it took him an hour to explain exactly what was in his case. Eventually, he was allowed to walk free. “There is no law against packing vibrators in your suitcase,” a police officer said.