IT MUST BE TRUE… I read it in the tabloids

Two regulars at a Melbourne café have been locked in a battle over which is the more loyal customer. Fraser Harvey put up a poster of himself in Sensory Lab with the words “Customer of the Week”, but then found that an unnamed woman had replaced it with a framed photo of herself. Harvey mounted his poster in a larger frame – only for his rival to hire a projector and display her face across the entire café. Harvey responded by having loyalty cards and staff T-shirts printed with his picture on them – but tweeted “I may have just lost” when the woman, who finally identified herself as urban planner Harriet Noall, revealed she’d had a Sensory Lab coffee cup tattooed on her ribs. “We’re just two competitive dickheads,” she said, adding that the tattoo was “insanely painful”. A dog in Thailand has had 32 rubber ducks removed from his stomach. His owner, who had bought 50 ducks for her pool, rang the vet when Davel the bulldog vomited up six of them, and she found only a dozen left in the box. The vet said that she had taken rubber ducks from a dog’s stomach before, but never on such a scale. A woman in the United Arab Emirates is seeking a divorce because her husband loves her too much. “I was choked by his love and affection,” the woman complained to a sharia court, adding that she longed to have arguments, “but this seems impossible with my romantic husband, who always forgave me and showered me with gifts.” Nor did the unreasonable behaviour stop there. “He even helped me clean the house,” she said.