The deep fear that haunts the Premier League

New Statesman

In most countries, says Jonathan Liew, the business of competitive sport has shut down. The French and Dutch football leagues, for instance, have decided it’s just too complicated to hold fixtures in a pandemic. Even English football’s lower divisions are biding their time. But the Premier League? Despite the warning by Manchester City striker Sergio Agüero that most players “are scared” by the prospect of resuming; despite the mind-boggling complexity of the logistics involved in testing and protecting from infection the hundreds of people who’ll have to attend each match (even if the fans can’t) – the league is hell-bent on playing every last minute of the season. Why? Partly money, of course: without Project Restart the top clubs will collectively have to stump up £762m to refund broadcast payments. But it’s mainly because the Premier League relies on an endless merry-go-round of commentary, speculation and gossip to keeps fans hooked. It’s ubiquitous. And it’s now haunted by the unspoken fear that the captive market it enjoyed before the pandemic may no longer be so captive once fans have experienced life outside the league’s all-encompassing embrace.

A mother and daughter in La Louvière in Belgium were so desperate to buy a McDonald’s meal that, after learning that a local branch had reopened for drive-thru customers only, they built a cardboard car. “We had a bit of trouble taking it out of the house,” said Nathalie Moermans. “But once on the road, other cars honked at us, gave us thumbs-up and stopped to take pictures.”

Social distancing has hit the porn industry badly – but amateurs are stepping into the breach. Couples trapped at home have invented a new genre: coronavirus porn. Performers wear masks and rubber gloves and pretend to be police or nurses. One popular video is entitled: “Hot babe gets caught trying to leave the coronavirus quarantine area”.