Ask Uncle TopGear
OUR MYSTERIOUS AGONY UNCLE TRIES TO SOLVE YOUR DILEMMAS. SORRY IF HE GETS A BIT GRUMPY
Dear Uncle TG
What’s the best way to increase the performance of my Nissan GT-R R35? Rob, by email
I do not recall the Nissan GT-R being what one would call short of performance. Have you tried depressing the shiny pedal on the far right a little more frmly?
Dear Uncle TG
I’ve got a ten-year-old Ford Fiesta, which I’m very happy with. I was going to replace it, but I don’t like the interior of the new Fiesta. Do you have any alternative suggestions? Lara, by email
If you are very happy with your ten-yearold Fiesta, why don’t you get a ten-yearold Fiesta? Look closely: you may fnd there’s one already outside your house.
Dear Uncle TG
Who would win in a fght between Iron Man and The Stig? Jake, by email
It’s irrelevant. The world would be destroyed by such a confict. Also, there would be a lot of stains on the furniture.
Dear Uncle TG
I have been clearing out my late grandad’s garage, which contains an old Talbot Horizon. Do you think it’s worth anything? Kenny, Belfast
Yes, once you’ve got that terrible old Talbot out of it.
Dear Uncle TG
I need a new car, and a friend has ofered to sell me their VW Golf. It seems nice, but they say it has a DSG gearbox and I don’t know what this is. Can you help? NG, by email
Yes, it’s short for ‘disgusting’.
Dear Uncle TG
I read in the paper recently about squirrels eating parts of a Toyota Aygo. I have an Aygo, so should I be worried?
Wendy, by email I remember back in the late Sixties my cousin Glenister Topgear claimed his Wolseley was eaten by a wolf. He was taken away shortly afterwards. Yes, that’s right: my family name is Topgear.
Dear Uncle TG
I have been trying to order a new BMW 330d. I wanted a red car with a Criollo Brown interior, but the salesman has tried to put me of, saying it’s an unusual combination and will make the car hard to sell on. Is he right? Neil, St Albans
Ask yourself this: would you take style advice from a car salesman? Besides, specifying a car purely on how easy it will make it to sell on is rather like choosing an item on a restaurant menu because it will be the easiest to poo out later.