Insider report

With the important stuf sorted – company polo shirts embroidered, business cards printed, showroom cofee machine that does the foamy milk stuf installed – it’s time to decide how Wales’s frst 300mph supercar shall be powered. And frankly there’s only one option.

See, the parallels between Elon Musk and me are almost spooky. We both established disruptive technology companies: for him, PayPal; for me, MyStool, the app that allows users to share and rate their emissions. Elon and I both have a reputation for innovation. We both have magnifcent hair.

And with Elon clearly running out of steam on the whole electric car thing, I fgured it’s time for me, Simon Coggle, to pick up the e-mantle and e-cclerate e-cars to 300mph. Though we’ve never met, and he still hasn’t got around to accepting my Facebook requests, I feel it’s what Elon would want me to do. Also electricity seems less complicated and explodey than petrol.

To assist with engineering our electric drivetrain, I call in Ha-yoon Moon, South Korea’s third cheapest automotive battery expert. I explain to her the design parameters of the Caliburnus vision. She scribbles a lot of numbers on a piece of paper, some of which appear to actually be letters.

“For your car to do 300mph and 500 miles on a charge,” she announces eventually, “it will need a battery the size of bath.”

“In Britain,” I correct her, “we would say, the size of a bath.”

“No,” she says. “The size of Bath, the spa town.” “Ah,” I say. Moon scribbles a few more numbers. She says there is a battery that will power the Caliburnus to 300mph and ft in the car. Only thing is, we’ll need to compromise a little on range. “How far would it go on a charge?” I ask.

“120 yards,” she says.

“You mean miles,” I say. “A yard is three feet.

A bit longer than a metre.”

“I know how long a yard is,” she says. We sit, silent, for a long time.

Having reviewed our technical options, I’m delighted to announce the Caliburnus supercar will be powered by a classic, sonorous V8 petrol engine, equipped with one, two or possibly no turbos, depending how difcult they are to attach. And to any Caliburnus customers who placed a deposit on the promise of an electric, emissions-free supercar, I say only this: sometimes when the river fows fastest, the bravest man is he who stands still. Also none of that paperwork was legally binding.