TASTE TEST

Richard Holt on how you should only trust yourself

If you want some advice about buying a watch, don’t – whatever you do – go asking anyone who knows loads about watches. All you need to do is ask yourself one question: is this watch going to make me look like an idiot? And if you really need a second opinion, go to somebody who knows nothing.

Think about it. Anyone with functioning eyes can see that the Ferrari 246GT is a beautiful thing. The Lister Storm, on the other hand, is only appealing to the sort of man who traps you in the corner of a pub and impresses with his knowledge of car facts.

If you ask a watch-loving friend for advice, you will just learn a load of stuff about what someone else likes. And if you’re lucky, they’ll throw in some technical info that is of no importance to you. And then probably try to talk you into buying some vast stainless-steel monstrosity that looks more like an artisan coffee machine than a watch.

There are more ridiculous-looking watches out there than you might think. Because so many companies are competing for business, a lot of them try to get noticed by throwing the rulebook out of the window.

We have seen watches that tell the time with valves, bellows and rotating discs, or with hours and minutes indicated with pecking birds and slithering serpents. There was once one that had a Rolls-Royce radiator grille for a dial, complete with a tiny Spirit of Ecstasy – demonstrating that the owner was a man of great wealth, if not great taste.

Most of these attempts at radical rethinking get points for effort, but not for style. Yet if you wear something like this, watch people will think it is interesting and want to talk to you about it. Other people will want to talk to you a lot less.

You don’t really need advice from anyone. The upside of a crowded market means that there’s absolutely loads of lovely stuff to choose from – the five on the opposite page are just a tiny snapshot. So if you end up buying something ridiculous, that is on you.