DIARY OF A TEST DRIVER

Crack tester Timo Knees reports from the Arctic Circle, as he puts one of 2019’s big launches through its final paces

When TopGear’s editor asked me if I’d write a diary of my life as a development driver, I immediately said yes, even before he got to the bit about not being able to pay me on account of recent budgetary restrictions.

Firstly because I hope that, in some small way, my story might inspire schoolkids to consider a career in the exciting world of automotive testing. But also because I have been stuck in Finland’s frozen Kokapu testing facility, on my own, since September. The wi-fi went down six weeks ago. I need something to pass the time or I fear I may go crazy. My friend Niiko agrees. Niiko is an elk.

Growing up, I dreamed of being a development driver, risking my life to push the fastest new supercars to their very limits. And now I am living almost all parts of that dream, apart from the ‘fastest’ and ‘supercar’ bits, as lead tester for Rong Un Auto Works, the first North Korean manufacturer aiming to crack the global mainstream.

This is an exciting time in Rong Un’s short, surprisingly bloody history, as we begin final testing on our all-new supermini, the Cheery Bong II. My mission is to ensure the new car surpasses its predecessor’s high standards for reliability, refinement and ‘not spontaneously bursting into flames’. It has been made clear that failure to achieve this mission is not an option.

No, Rong Un may not have the money of Porsche, Ford or Morgan, but what we lack in budget we make up in ingenuity, a can-do attitude, and thanks to the vagaries of North Korean employment law, the requirement to work shifts of up to 36 hours without a break. I would be honoured if you would join me on the Cheery Bong II’s journey to production. And even more honoured if you would post me some books, ideally containing pictures of ladies.