GARISH GRILLES

01 BMW 7-Series

BMW says the new 7’s monster-pig nostrils mean the lower bumper is less fussy, and the car looks more imposing. We think the designers didn’t stand back and look at the whole car after they’d finished grafting on this conk. Angry Birds, anyone?

02 Audi Q8

Lots of marques use their flagships to make a massive grille statement. Audi especially loves making merry with mesh, and the A7 and A8 do just that. But the Q8’s jutting gob takes the mickey. Come on, how insecure must you be to drive one of these?

03 Vision Mercedes-Maybach Ultimate Luxury

This odd jacked-up luxo-saloon sports one of the all-time giant grilles. What is the point of making the headlights such slim, intricate units, then clogging up the whole front with a mess of mesh?

04 Rolls-Royce Phantom

Rolls-Royce is the king among stately metal Parthenons ahead of the bonnet. It looks even more statesmanlike on the Phantom than the more bloated Cullinan. It’s regal, it’s self-righteous, it’s car design shorthand for “Out of my way, peasants”.

05 Lincoln MKT

The Americans will be back in this list, but here’s a quick nod to Lincoln’s MKT crossover, which has apparently been styled to resemble a wild tapir wearing Kanye West’s shutter shades. Qashqai? Pah! ’Murica laughs in the polite face of your pathetic Euro-crossover.

06 Lexus LS

BMW owns the split double-oval grille. Audi owns the widemouth grille. What was Lexus to do, to grab its own slice of the mega-mesh pie? Answer: create the most angular, intricate, downright scary-looking mug ever affixed to a Japanese limo.

07 Chevy Silverado Heavy Duty

Here comes Team America. The 2020 Chevrolet Silverado Heavy Duty is more grille than front, really. It’s just a giant gaping mouth, with a load bay behind. You get 910lb ft of torque, a 10spd auto ’box, and 43 square acres of supergrille.

08 Ford F-Series Super Duty

More chrome than an industrial accident at a bathroom furniture factory, with a Ford badge you could use as a medieval nettle shield. These truck faces have been getting blockier and brasher for decades now. Dare we ask – how will it end?

09 Lexus LX570 S

Having squeezed a whole chainlink fence onto the unsuspecting face of a luxury saloon, Lexus set about grafting the same features onto an ancient SUV it sells in the Middle East and Australia. Seriously, just buy a Land Cruiser.