THE MIDDLE LANE

TGTV script editor Sam Philip tackles the big crisis facing Britain today

Britain’s global influence may be receding faster than Prince

William’s hairline, but at least we’re still world leaders in one automotive sector. Potholes. Big ones, small ones, some the size of your head – when it comes to potholes, we’ve got it nailed.

Last year, according to a recent RAC study, motorists reported over 500,000 potholes to local authorities. That’s a rise of 44 per cent since 2015, though it’s unclear whether that’s because our roads are getting worse, or simply because Simon at Daventry Council HQ is finally bothering to answer all those calls to the Pothole Complaints Department hotline. (Who are these people? For most of us, surely, clanging a pothole is like leaving the barber with the exact opposite haircut of the one you asked for: inevitable, but not something you’d consider complaining about.)

The Daily Mail seized on this report as evidence of a ‘pothole crisis’ in Britain. Typical mainstream media, always doing Britain down. Let’s shift the thinking on this. What if it’s not a pothole crisis, but a pothole opportunity? You want fine food, visit Italy. Good weather? Southern Spain’s for you. But if you want potholes – loads of potholes, really top-drawer potholes – come to the UK!

We’ve certainly got plenty. The RAC described those 500,000 reported potholes as “the tip of the iceberg”, which is a somewhat confusing metaphor, what with icebergs being the logical opposite of potholes. So how many potholes do we have in Britain? Well, that requires knowing what a pothole actually is.

In Worcestershire (yes, I looked this up), a divot must measure at least 20cm across to qualify as a pothole. But in neighbouring Gloucestershire, it’s not officially a pothole until it reaches 30cm. (Road holes straddling the Gloucestershire-Worcestershire border? Don’t even ask.) Scotland’s Perth and Kinross Council recently reclassified its minimum pothole depth from four to six centimetres, which is the equivalent of reducing Post Office queues by making OAPs stand closer together.

So far as I can tell, there’s nothing to stop councils redefining potholes as “large plant-eating mammals with prehensile trunks, long curved ivory tusks, and large ears,” then immediately declaring their pothole problem solved overnight.

Certainly the government’s current strategy doesn’t seem to be working, despite recently boasting that “local authorities are fixing a pothole every 21 seconds”. Last year, after allocating over £400m to fix Britain’s roads, chancellor Philip Hammond was accused of prioritising potholes over criminals. But, to be fair, if you’re a policeman on a pushbike, it’s a lot easier to apprehend a pothole than a mugger on a moped.

TopGear has the answer. To eradicate the potholes, all we need to do is… nothing. Let potholes grow bigger and bigger, more and more numerous, the gaps between them smaller and smaller. Give it a few years, our entire road network will be one huge, smooth pothole, a few centimetres lower than before. Who needs the Grand Canyon when you’ve got the Nationwide Pothole?

“WHAT IF IT’S NOT A POTHOLE CRISIS, BUT INSTEAD A POTHOLE OPPORTUNITY?”