THE MIDDLE LANE

TGTV script editor Sam Philip is on the warpath against same-old car brochures

Hi, hi, welcome. Come on in. Let me take your jacket. Can I get you a coffee? Sumatran cold-brew.

So you need someone to create a brochure for your latest car, huh? You’ve come to the right place. We are the best guys in the car-brochure business. And also the only guys in the business. Yes, I’m proud to say that, over the years, we’ve crushed every one of our rivals. If you’ve ever wondered why every car brochure looks exactly the same... you’re looking at him!

Please, take a seat. Australian crocodile leather. Right, so tell me about this car you want us to brochure the hell out of. Urban. Yep. Compact. Yep. Electric. Unpretentious. Loving it. Hearing you. OK, close your eyes, let me paint you a picture.

I’m seeing blue skies. Crisp morning sunlight. Your car. Parked up. On an empty beach. From its boot, a handsome man in a wetsuit pulls... a surfboard! I know. I don’t know how I come up with this stuff either. It’s a gif – what’s that? The whole ‘Californian surfer’ vibe is not what your new city car’s about? You wanted to go big on the everyday practical touches?

I hear you. And in response, I’d say, first, yes, I do have a weird tendency to repeat literally every word you say. And, second, did you not hear me? Surfing! Who doesn’t love surfing?

“I’M SEEING BLUE SKIES. CRISP MORNING SUNLIGHT. YOUR CAR. ON AN EMPTY BEACH”

I don’t think you’re picturing quite how white this sand is. How blue this sky is. How handsome this man is.

Relax. Breathe. Put the coffee down on the table. Brazilian rosewood. I’m sensing resistance to the ‘surfer’ idea. That’s OK. We’re just spitballing. Playing a bit of conceptual racketball here. So let me toss another serve into your box. Completely different vibe.

I’m seeing blue skies. Crisp morning sunlight. Your car. Parked up. Beside a shimmering mountain lake. From its boot, a handsome lady in a wetsuit pulls... a paddleboard! I know, I don’t know how I come up with thi – no it’s not exactly the same thing. Paddleboard, much larger. Far more buoyant. Very different energy. Also did you not hear, it’s a LADY pull – I’m sorry, how is it my problem that a paddleboard won’t fit in the back of your car? Maybe you should have thought about that before you designed a stupidly tiny car? What’s the point in even having a car if you can’t pull a paddleboard seductively from its rear?

Please, let go of my jacket. Egyptian cotton. So you’re not on board with the watersport angle. All good. Let’s shake this up.

I’m seeing blue skies. Crisp morning sunlight. Your car. Parked up. On a ski slope. From its boot, a handsome couple pull two pairs of – yes, skis, now we’re on the same page! No it’s not ‘exactly the same idea only with skis instead of a surfboard’. There are TWO of them! They’re wearing matching bobble hats! Sorry, too predictable? So it’s unpredictable you want? Get ready to have your mind blown.

What if we gave one of them a snowboard instead?