RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS
Just 90 seconds to impress a professional strongman... no pressure
TEAM AMERIKA 1ST
After watching Germany absolutely lose their tiny minds (the dancing will stay with us, shudder), Japan fail to really get the hang of their open diff and Great Britain burst both front tyres by simply turning corners, we knew we needed something special for this event. Thus, Team Spangle drafted in the least mechanically sympathetic, most disposable member to drive. And Ford did not disappoint, drawing on a misspent youth by committing wholly to a series of J turns, reverse donuts and handbrake triple salchow that impressed the judge simply through the ferocity of the execution. A deserved first place, we thought, although most were still chuckling at Team GB trying to drive a London taxi around a quarry on bare front rims.
TEAM GERMANY 2ND
Majestic. Balletic. Acrid. That’s what real judges would say about our routine. But we didn’t have real judges, we had a lusciously bearded ex-cricketer addicted to protein. So the appeal process starts here, as Germany was robbed of gold in rhythmic gymnastics. C’mon! Who doesn’t love two wiry guys twirling ribbons like they’re having a seizure in the Berghain? All to Nena’s
99 Luftballons while an Audi A6 furiously lengthens its handbrake cable, executes dusty reverse donuts and blows its turbo hose clean off. Simone Biles, eat your heart out.
TEAM GB 3RD
Handbrake turns, power slides, a flurry of wheelspin and a perfectly executed J turn, these are the tools of a well trained automotive rhythmic gymnast. And ribbons. Literally miles of ribbons. Unfortunately, a black cab with several hundred thousand miles on the clock lacks the grace, agility and lightness of foot to perform any one of these. Frankly I’ve seen toilet blocks with more pizzazz. The strategy, if you can call it that, was to substitute balletic choreography for mindless aggression, which is how I found myself charging across the arena with no plan other than to yank the wheel hard left and keep it pinned, while Peter did his best to keep his lunch down in the back. The effect of this in a car where the front wheels can turn at a right angle to the direction of travel is to rip both tyres off the rims. It wasn’t pretty, but it was dramatic. Third place felt like a win.
TEAM JAPAN 4TH
A tough break for Webb-san here. Being first on the mat meant he had nothing to compare his routine to, and given that automotive rhythmic gymnastics is yet to take off internationally, it’s fair to say he was going into this event blind. Some neat handbrake turns and a couple of well-executed powerslides looked promising, but (as is so often the case) trying and failing to skid into a giant inflatable ball was his downfall. Still, it was a damn sight more graceful than Team GB’s tyre-killing attempt – clearly the referee had been influenced by the partisan crowd and we were left floundering in last place.
“MAJESTIC. BALLETIC. THAT’S WHAT REAL JUDGES WOULD SAY”