THE MIDDLE LANE
TGTV script editor Sam Philip has got a secret to share... and he wants carmakers to listen
My name is Sam, and for many years I suffered a debilitating fear of buying toilet roll.
To be clear, the issue wasn’t toilet roll itself. For the job at hand, as it were, there’s no better material. The issue was the buying of the toilet roll. Specifically the buying of a multipack of toilet roll, and the transporting home thereafter.
See, on a rational level, I knew no one would notice me lugging a 24-pack of Andrex up the high street. And that, even if they did, they would likely think, “sensible chap, far more economical to buy in bulk”. I knew no one was thinking, “wow, is he planning to use all that, on his own, today?” But I could never shake the suspicion that everyone was thinking, “wow, is he planning to use all that, on his own, today?”
At my nadir, I would remove the rolls from their multipack, arranging them at the bottom of the shopping bag, hidden under the rest of the less shameful, less absorbent goods. Reader, things were bad.
I am pleased to say I have conquered my fear, through the tried-and-tested therapeutic method of ‘being told by your wife to stop being such a priggish arse’. And so to cars, where I am currently in the market for a family runabout. I need it
“CARMAKERS FEEL THE SAME ABOUT FAMILY LIFE I ONCE FELT ABOUT A CUSHELLE MULTIPACK”
big, I need it boxy. I need, in other words, an MPV. (Yes, I am aware a car journalist ought to be lugging his offspring around in something more exotic: an air-cooled 911, perhaps. But if you need to move children and bikes, an air-cooled 911 won’t do the job, not least because its boot is full of engine.)
However, as you know, carmakers don’t want to sell us MPVs any more. A few years back, Renault offered – depending how large your family, and how small your self-respect – the Scenic, Grand Scenic, Modus, Grand Modus, and Espace. Now, if you’re in the UK at least, not one. And it’s not just Renault. Ford C-Max? Gone. Seat Alhambra? VW Sharan? Gone. Vauxhall Zafira? Gone. (I mean obviously I’d never have bought a Zafira, but still, nice to have the choice.)
The MPVs have been replaced, of course, by SUVs. Many have offered theories explaining this tectonic shift, but my suspicion is that it’s not about commanding driving positions or the illusion of greater safety. It’s that carmakers feel the same way about family life that I once felt about a Cushelle multipack. That it’s a shameful secret to be squirrelled away at the bottom of the shopping bag. Tips runs? Soft-play trips? Not for us! We’re off to conquer the north face of the Eiger!
Carmakers! I’m not off to conquer the north face of the Eiger! My life is boring! I’m OK with this! We all have dull, daily, necessary functions to perform, so, please, get over this squeamishness. Make cars for those of us who aren’t ashamed of our unglamorous, unavoidable duties. Please, give us big, square, people boxes on wheels. Ideally with a discreet boot storage compartment for our big bags of bog roll.