“The usual waffle... and an equine cri de coeur”
The ever popular musings of a narrowboat horse on the Montgomery Canal
WHAT can go up a chimney down, but won’t come down a chimney up? For those of you of a certain vintage, the answer is obvious, but for the younger generation, you won’t have a clue.
It’s a riddle, and I’ve always liked them ever since I was asked: “What’s the difference between a cowboy who can’t shoot straight and a constipated owl?” The answers to both will be at the end of this chat.
From the opening stanza, you’ve probably guessed that it’s becoming more and more difficult to think of something to put into these monthly missives. Usually, I regale you with the latest occurrences on my stretch of the Monty, but even that is becoming harder to do.
Unlike busier sections of our fabulous canal network, we don’t have liveaboards being annoyed by joggers, dog-walkers and gongoozlers, because they are few and far between (more like two miles than two metres apart).
There aren’t any hire boats or ‘continuous cruisers’, because Frankton locks are closed due to lack of interest. It’s a sort of catch-22 situation as they only open if there is a pre-booked demand and nobody should be boating, so there’s no demand!
So what have you been getting up to, I hear you ask? Well, the answer is: not a lot. The farrier came the other day as my shoes were clanking so much they were keeping the neighbours awake, so they’ve been removed and my hooves have been filed down. It’s the equivalent of humans clipping their toenails, but like most things in life, it costs money!
Zero income
Which brings me to much more serious matters, namely, bankruptcy. As you know my team-mates and I operate our horse-drawn boat during the summer months. It’s a social enterprise run by volunteers on a not-for-profit basis. I’m the most expensive member of the team, but my costs pale into insignificance when compared to the dues paid to the Canal & River Trust (CRT).
Boat licence and mooring fees are levied just like any other trade-boat enterprise and are paid for by the fare-paying customers. What comes in goes out and we usually manage to just about break even.
Unfortunately, like many other small businesses our income has walked off a cliff and is currently zero. More unfortunately, with the ongoing lockdown situation, our season has been radically curtailed. We’ve already lost three months which equates to 50% of anticipated earnings, with no light at the end of the tunnel.
Also, like other social and community enterprises, we find ourselves ineligible for any government handouts or bank loans. Luckily we don’t have any employees to lay off, so nobody has been ‘furloughed’ and I’ve merely been put out to grass.
Begging bowl
Countess, our boat, persists in being our main financial problem as outlined above. She spends her winter months bobbing up and down at her mooring in Maesbury, acting like a static advertising board, and it looks like she’ll remain so until the end of the coronavirus crisis.
If she was a car, we could take a moratorium on her licence and take out a SORN (Statutory Off Road Notification), so perhaps CRT could come up with a SOCN? In fairness to CRT, at the time of writing and in their inimitable style, they have delayed boat licensing deadlines by a month and offered traders a 25% discount.
Please don’t think I’m being ungrateful by saying ‘too little, too late’ when, for example, comparing this to satellite TV sports channels, which automatically paused all subscriptions as soon as live sport was curtailed. If this was CRT’s end-of-term report, it would surely say “Must try harder”! There are, of course, mooring fees too and insurance premiums for Countess and me. Now do you see why we need a bigger begging bowl? So, where do we go from here? The answer, a bit like the daily coronavirus update, is one day at a time and hope for the best. It would be a shame if our little horse-boating venture goes to the wall, as it really is a labour of love, run by genuine canal enthusiasts, acknowledged by all as heritage ambassadors for the few remaining horse-drawn opportunities.
That’s it, end of moan and as Winston Churchill used to say, we’ll KBO (Keep Buggering On). He changed the B to P (Plodding) if ladies were present.
Oh, and the riddle answers are: An umbrella and the cowboy ‘shoots but can’t hit’, whereas the owl ‘hoots but can’t s….’!
Until next time, may your bucket have more carrots in than mine currently has. Love Cracker