Two Rings Don’t Make a Rite
ACatholiC service was thrown into chaos yesterday when a faulty altar bell held up a Mass for more than three hours. Nearly 200 worshippers at St Fiacre’s Church in Wallasey were kept waiting after communion wine being blessed by priest Father hoolihan o’toolihan failed to transubstantiate into the literal blood of Christ.
Faulty altar bell halts Eucharist
“I’d already rung up the host over the wafers and they’d transubstantiated a treat,” Father O’Toolihan told the Liverpool Catholic Herald and Argus. “But when I did the chalice of wine, the divine mystery didn’t happen for some reason.”
“I thought perhaps I had said the wrong word in Latin or something, so I tried it again,” he said. “But when I had a sip, it wasn’t the blood of the son of God, it was still just normal wine.”
miracle
“For some reason, the Eucharistic miracle specified by the Council of Trent wasn’t happening,” he continued.
“I thought about simply carrying on and doing the service with the untrasubstantiated altar wine, but when you’re dealing with people’s eternal souls you can’t take the risk,” he continued.
O’Toolihan suspected that the transubstantiator in his sanctus bell may have blown, and a quick inspection of the workings confirmed this to be the case.
pip
A replacement part would be needed, and the congregation were forced to remain in their pews whilst it was sourced.
“It’s quite an old sanctus bell, and I don’t think they make transubstantiators for them any more,” O’Toolihan said.
Eventually, a second hand unit was located in a disused bell in Birkenhead and rushed over to St Fiacre’s.
bunnyman
It was a long wait but O’Toolihan kept everyone entertained by talking about the Natural Law theory of St. Thomas Aquinas, reciting the synoptic gospels and playing I-spy.
Eventually, an engineer arrived and fitted the new transubstantiator in the bell.
“When I fired it up, the wine turned into the blood of Christ first time,” said Father O’Toolihan. “Everybody was delighted and Communion went ahead as normal, albeit a little bit late.”
A spokesman for the Catholic Church told us: “We recommend that all priests get their sanctus bells serviced at least once a year to ensure efficient transubstantiation of the host into the literal body and blood of Christ.”
“We cannot take responsibility for any worshippers who end up in the lake of fire for all eternity due to failed Eucharistic miracles.”