IT BREAK­THROUGH!

VIZ - - Letterbocks -

IT help desks could soon be­come a thing of the past af­ter a frus­trated of­fice worker man­aged to fix his com­puter... by shout­ing at it!

By­ron Boatswain, 42, had re­peat­edly tried to open an ac­counts pro­gram on his of­fice PC, only for the pro­gramme to freeze and dis­play an er­ror mes­sage. Af­ter re­boot­ing his com­puter sev­eral times to no avail, he even­tu­ally snapped and yelled “Look! Just work you fuck­ing use­less pile of fuck­ing shit.” And he was amazed to see that it did the trick. “I couldn’t be­lieve it,” he told IT World mag­a­zine.

Word of By­ron’s achieve­ment got round the of­fice, and he was soon asked to sort out a col­league’s iMac which was re­fus­ing to ac­cept an e-mail ac­count pass­word.

“I tapped in the pass­word which she as­sured me was cor­rect, only to be faced by an ‘in­cor­rect’ mes­sage each time,” he said. “Af­ter about ten at­tempts, I went red in the face and typed it in whilst shout­ing ‘It is the right fuck­ing pass­word you stupid... fuck­ing... Ap­ple... bas­tard.’ And the ac­count opened up.”

“I don’t know the first thing about com­put­ers, but I seem to have a bit of a knack for fix­ing prob­lems by bol­lock­ing them,” he said.

Boatswain’s ac­tions have been her­alded as a ma­jor tech­no­log­i­cal break­through by ex­perts, and many be­lieve that in the fu­ture, all com­plex com­puter is­sues could be solved us­ing a range of pro­fan­i­ties de­liv­ered with vary­ing de­grees of anger.

By­ron her­alds new era of IT trou­bleshoot­ing

of­fice

And Dr Tar­quin But­ton, lec­turer in Com­puter Stud­ies at War­wick Uni­ver­sity, re­vealed that a study was al­ready un­der­way to de­ter­mine the com­bi­na­tions of ver­bal abuse that com­put­ers are most likely to re­spond to.

“So far we’ve dis­cov­ered that spend­ing up to an hour on the phone try­ing to sort out a lo­gin re­set can be eas­ily avoided by sim­ply scream­ing ‘Oh, for fuck’s SAKE! Go and fuck you­self with your fuck­ing er­ror mes­sage,’ whilst throw­ing a biro at the mon­i­tor,” he said.

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“And any er­ror mes­sage say­ing that your com­puter has ex­pe­ri­enced a prob­lem and needs to shut down can usu­ally be rec­ti­fied by lift­ing the key­board above your head and shout­ing, ‘ Right, you’re go­ing out the fuck­ing win­dow, you big fuck­ing pile of plas­tic wank’.”

“This new appraoch could rev­o­lu­tionise the re­la­tion­ship we have with tech­nol­ogy,” he added.

Think­ing out­side the swear­box: Boatswain has new ap­proach to IT.

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