US COPS ‘ UP IN ARMS’ OVER AGE HIKE
Police stations across america were in uproar yesterday after the Us government announced plans to raise the age at which officers become too old for this shit.
Previously, international police law stated that policemen were automatically deemed too old for this shit at 52. But new legislation set to be introduced throughout the States next week will see that age rise to a whopping 57, with immediate effect.
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In a press statement released this morning, US Police Chief of Staff, Sgt Manny Ramdoyal, claimed: “The decision to raise the age at which officers can officially be regarded as too old for this shit is not one we have taken lightly. However, there has been widespread feeling over the past few years that officers are becoming better equipped to cope with this shit as they enter their mid, and even late, forties.”
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Ramdoyal continued: “I have personally spoken to several officers who told me they still felt about the right age for this shit well into their fifties.”
“We simply cannot afford to lose good men, who are still perfectly capable of dealing with this shit, due to long-outdated and frankly archaic legislation,” he added.
However, there has been angry opposition to the move from lawmen across the States.
Detroit detective Hank McMurdochMurphy, 51, was one of many embittered, recently divorced, former alcoholic police officers to speak out publicly against the new legislation.
“It’s a goddam outrage, plain and simple,” McMurdoch-Murphy told reporters outside his office this morning. “I’ve spent the last few years working in good faith under the assumption that I had just 12 months of this shit left. Now I find I have put up with another six years of it. Jeez!”
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He continued: “When I was in my thirties, I used to quite enjoy dangling suspects off tower blocks by their arms and regularly having the DA on my ass. These days, though, my lumbago is giving me constant grief and I’ve got piles like a bag of Babybels. I am simply too old to spend every weekday directly disobeying orders whilst drinking machinemade coffee from a Styrofoam cup.”
At a press conference in a donut shop on 53rd and Main, New York cops expressed their outrage to the new proposals. “Why, those up-state pen-pushers have got a god damn noive, sitting on their fat asses all day. I’d like to see them come and put up with this shit like I gotta,” said 49 year old Sgt Patrick O’Hoolihan. “Boy, those bozos wouldn’t last five god damn minutes,” he added.