Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
A Further update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity
Viz Comic, PO Box 841 Whitley Bay NE26 9EQ e-mail profanisaurus@viz.co.uk
AOCB 1. abbrev. The final item on the agenda of a committee meeting, viz. Any Other Competent Business, apparently. 2. abbrev. The gentlemanly equivalent of a lady rinsing her lettuce, that is, a perfunctory, hurried wash in anticipation of imminent sexual activity, viz. Arse, Oxters, Cock and Balls. Bagshot 1. n. Asmall commuter town in Surrey that is handy for the M3. 2. n. An ejaculation that completely empties the scrotum. Billy Bowden’s bunny n. An extremely small and bent middle peg, reminiscent of the erstwhile New Zealand cricket umpire’s famously crooked “finger of doom.” blandsome adj. Supposedly good-looking. Descriptive of the sort of man that society attempts to condition women into finding attractive, eg. That muscly twat off Poldark that gets them all frothing like bottled Bass, as opposed to the potbellied, half- pissed, Viz- reading blokes that women truly desire. bodybuilder’s clit n. Something that is surprisingly larger than you might expect. ‘Have you seen these antibiotics I’m on, nan? They’re fucking huge, like bodybuilder’s clits.’ booze rouge n. The pink, glowing complexion of a drunk lady. ‘You going to the Norwich match tonight, Delia? Don’t forget to slap your booze rouge on.’ bright eye n. One’s ringpiece the morning after a heavily spiced meal when it is, in the words of the eponymous Art Garfunkel rabbit ballad, “burning like fire”. A Johnny Cash, Wigan rosette. buffalo wings 1. n. Chicken wings that have been deep fried in a hot sauce. 2. n. Plus-sized bingo wings. Bariatrically challenged dinner ladies’arms. bully in the bathroom n. A distressing fight to deliver a mud child in the smallest room, often leaving the victim in tears and sometimes even with a bloody nose. ‘Jesus, you look awful. What happened?’‘I went to take a quick dump and I met a bully in the bathroom. I’ll be okay in a bit.’ bumbats n. medic. Source of loud flapping noises in the small hours. ‘Sorry to keep waking you up, pet, only the bumbats are flying tonight. But it’s your own fault. I told you not to give me that veggie mince cottage pie.’ call of duty 1. n. Space Invaders game. 2. n. A sudden urge to drop the kids off at the pool. A pig at the gate, mole at the counter, Mr Brown at the back door. cartholic n. A motorist who eschews the usual safety precautions as recommended in the Highway Code, preferring to simply “pull out and hope for the best.” chipster n. Afat, bearded fellow to be seen hanging round the Hoxton branch of Cooplands. clown car n. A vagina that is on the point of imminent collapse due to the excessive number of men clumsily clambering in and out of it every evening. cunt pole n. A selfie stick. The handle on a twat mirror. Also narcicisstick. deglazethepan1. v. Inthekitchen, to add liquid to a saucepan and scrape the browned bits off the bottom. 2. v. In the khazi, to hose down pebbledashed porcelain using a carefully directed stream of gypsy’s kiss. The yellow toilet brush. dildole n. Source of income for
attractive ladies who work from home entertaining lonely men with broadband internet connections and plenty of tissues. drawing a curve on an EtchA-Sketch euph. Tuning into Radio Luxembourg. To manually manipulate both of a ladyfriend’s jockey’s whips at the same time. Also come in Tokyo, safecracking. drop dead gormless adj. Descriptive of one who has fallen out of the ugly tree and landed on their head. dug with a new slipper, like a sim. Scots. Enthusiastically (dug = dog). ‘Oft, Wully! Look at them baps. I’d be at them like a dug with a new slipper.’ east wind 1. n. A meteorological air current that blows in a westerly direction. 2. n. A harsh, bracing breeze that blows in the aftermath of a par-
ticularly strong Ruby. ‘There’s an east wind coming all the same, such a wind as never blew on England yet. It will be cold and bitter, Watson, and a good many of us may wither before its blast. But it’s God’s own wind none the less and a cleaner, better, stronger land will lie in the sunshine when the storm has cleared. Now pull my finger.’ (from Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Case of the Lamb Phall by Arthur Conan Doyle). Eric Pickle’s running shoes, seen less action than sim. Description of an enforced and prolonged period of celibacy. Also Eamonn Holmes’s rowing machine, Bamber Gascoigne’s swearbox. firing on both cylinders euph. When an accommodating young lady entertains two gentleman callers simultaneously. Man at C&A, Dorothy Perkins, double decker, the beast with two sacks. flushbacks n. Repeated, nightmarish toilet visits in the wake of an ill-advised chilli-based repast. four-fifty at Newbury, like the sim. Poetic metaphor, referring to the last race of the day, conveying the state of an aroused female’s undergarments when the going is soft to heavy. ‘Alright Sheila, can I offer you a seat?’ ‘Best not. I’ve just been watching thatAidan Turner without his shirt on in Poldark and my knickers are like the four-fifty at Newbury.’ goblet of fire n. A furry cup from which one would be well advised not to sip. goner P-Popsie 1. exclam. A radio transmission from Lieutenant Harold Brownlow Morgan Martin DFC, during the Dambusters raid, to confirm that he had dropped his bouncing bomb on the Möhne Dam. 2. exclam. A retort made in the presence of an associate who has dropped a rather loud Bakewell tart. good acting exclam. Praise that is uttered at the TV when an attractive lady thespian gets her tits out. ‘I liked that bit in Titanic where Kate Winslett has her portrait done. Very good acting in that scene, I thought.’ good touch for a big man phr. Said of a chap with a particularly massive slag hammer, who proves deceptively tender and attentive during foreplay. Greggory’s girls euph. A ravenous pod of cetacean-sized females encircling the entrance of the quasi-eponymous boulangerie in the hunt for their pastry-based prey. heron’s nest n. An even gnarlier Terry Waite’s allotment with all twigs stuck out of it at funny angles. Aworzel gusset. H-H-H-Hancock’s half hour exclam. Said after a euphonious blast on the trouser tuba. Also Ah … Ludwig, Sykes. honey glaze n. The shine on one’s pork sausage the morning after a penetrative romantic assignation. I’m not sure you made it loud enough sir 1. exclam. A witty comment passed by Batman’s batman Alfred Pennyworth in The Dark Knight upon the shooting of a loud gun. 2. exclam. A witty comment passed by anyone upon the dropping of a loud gut. kennel maiden n. A young woman whose unconventional looks have mitigated against her efforts to secure a suitable beau. Lidl checkout worker, like a sim. A particularly violent, no-nonsense hand job. ‘She went at it like a Lidl checkout worker.’ likes her sportswear euph. Lesbidaceous. Said of a woman who hasn’t got a fucking clue what’s in her flower beds. Moston magpie n. White undergarments seen through the gossamer-thin black Primark leggings adorning the ample muck spreaders of women in the salubrious North Manchester suburb. motion picture n. A “selfie” taken whilst ensconced on the thunderbox. A popular stag-do meme, it says here. Mr T’d adj. Getting absolutely wankered and passing out before taking an international flight and waking up in another country. Named after the actor who played the intellectually compassionate pteromerhanophobic character BA Baracus in The A-Team. muck-filled splatter puss n. The sort of well-used minge typically seen in the closing shots of a gang bang grumble flick. Let’s see Chris Packham casually drop that one into an episode of SpringWatch without anyone noticing. mustard pie n. A fanny that’s eye-wateringly pungent and acrid. no sign of a struggle euph. When there’s absolutely no mess on the paper after wiping one’s arse. The opposite of tickling the turtle’s nose. out of botty experience n. The transcendental ability, when in the midst of a particularly difficult and troubling digestive transit, to float free above the noise and chaos below. pay plop dollar v. To need a shite when one’s only available option is to purchase a round of drinks in an overpriced establishment in order to use their toilet. To pay through the arse. play the promotion flute v. To accelerate one’s career prospects by sucking off the boss. pop down and change the barrel, sorry I just need to exclam. An anticipatory apology, uttered before - or possibly during - the release of a brewer’s fart. rock on Tommy phr. A snap of undercracker elastic against a bollock following the incorrect placing of a thumb whilst adjusting one’s person, leading to an involuntary, shouted reaction. rodeo shit n. After a particularly spicy curry, sitting on the jobby engine with one hand under the front of the seat and the other one holding onto your hat, hanging on for dear life as the violent eruption from your Samantha tries to fling you wildly around the bathroom. Also mucking bronco. royal Iris n. A man who is as tight as a bullfighter’s pants and, on a night out, always manages to be elsewhere or otherwise engaged when it is his round. So-called because, like the Mersey Ferry, he “turns around before he reaches the bar.” SDL abbrev. Shitting Dead Leg. ‘The ostentatiously erudite Will Self’s vast new tome is simply the ambrosial epitome of sesquipedalian reading. The first chapter alone gave me SDLs for 20 minutes.’ semi-professional 1. n. A competitor on Opportunity Knocks who is paid to perform and is thereforenot an amateur, but for whom the endeavour is not a full-time occupation. 2. n. A lady who possesses the necessary attributes and application to breathe life into the most reluctant of members. sending back the
toast phr. Of a fel- low’s membrum virile that presents in a less-than-ready state, resembling floppy, underdone toast. ‘On the night in question I had no lift at all, your honour. She was gagging for it but I ended up having to send back the toast.’ shedphones n. The medical condition that renders a married man unable to hear his wife’s admonishments due to being at the bottom of the garden fettling. Shetland A tom-tit of little con
sequence. Asmall pony. shit the chart v. medic. To do assorted foulages of varying consistency such that the entire Bristol Stool Chart is represented in the pan.
sigh of relief n. The first successful Exchange & Mart after a particularly vicious bout of the trots. South Beach Tow cameraman, shaking like a sim. To suffer severe tremors, in the style of the camera operators on the eponymous hardhitting reality television series. ‘Ah, what a beautiful morning, Mr Patel. Ten cans of Special Brew, if you please. I’m shaking like a South Beach Tow cameraman here.’ spunk oven n. A delightful term for the feminine bower of pleasure. Stallone’s bottom lip euph. The way the fiveskin sags after a serious and prolonged bout of repeated self harm whilst working from home. SUITED/suited acronym. Straight Up Into ThE Day. An even less rigorous personal hygiene regimen than a Glasgow shower. supermarket sweep n. The inevitable, furtive lookaround undertaken by a chap upon entering a large store in order to see if there’s any quality tussage on view to enliven an otherwise mundane grocery shopping experience. teeth like the holy commandments phr. Said of any person doing badly at their six-monthly dental checkup, because “there’s only ten of them and every one is broke”. tinder eggs 1. n. medic. Cause of itchiness around the groinal region after a one night stand arranged via a casual dating app. 2. n. Those who have undergone significant hair loss and weight gain since their hirsute, svelte profile pictures were taken. tinder surprise n. The discovery that Natasha, the sexy, nymphomaniac, exotic, pouting Brazilian lingerie model on your smartphone, is actually Keith, a factory worker from Grimsby. triangle of success 1. n. In root cause analysis, whatever that is, a schematic diagram outlining the current issue and the steps that must to be taken to address it before everyone falls asleep. 2. n. A lady garden. ‘How did you get on with that bird from the Feathers, Ian?’ ‘I achieved the triangle of success, mate.’ trumpeteering n. Trying to keep a fart in with a wet finger. And failing, you might reasonably suppose. V&A, the n. The carse, tinter, butfer or Humber Bridge. The fusty, little-used corridor between a woman’s Victoria and her Albert. will you start the fans please exclam. Announced in the stentorian style of Richard O’Brien introducing the climactic round of erstwhile TV adventure gameshow The Crystal Maze, a Protect & Survive- style warning of impending flatulatory meltdown. Willy Wonka’s river n. A never-ending cataract of liquid chocolate with the occasional green and orange oompah lumpa floating in it. ‘Come to the Rupali Restaurant, Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne, for a top class dining experience that will leave you with an arse like Willy Wonka’s river.’