Letterbock

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ

SOMEONE once told me that the Pretenders song Maybe Tomorrow was about a boil that lead singer Chrissie Hynde had on her arse that wasn’t quite ready for squeezing. Torbjorn Charteris, London

PRINCE Charles and Prince William would do well to remember that George III had terrible piles, and the Sun King Louis XIV of France had an anal fistula. If they believe that just because they are Royal they are immune from getting diseases of the backside, then they should think again. Frampton Gilhooley, Hull WHY don’t they liven up

Question Time with a few interesting guests for a change? How about Keith Chegwin, for instance? If he did the whole thing nude I’m sure there would be plenty of questions from the other panelists and the audience. That would show those stuffed shirts at the BBC how to raise the ratings. Bartram Golightly, Tooting MY uncle Dai used to look like Noddy Holder. However he doesn’t any more as he died in 2002. Iwan Carr, Upper Llandwrog

SINCE all films have ratings such as PG and R etc, to warn people about the type of film they are about to watch, could they not expand the list to be more specific about particularly shit films? Any film starring Van Damme could be rated as VD. If this didn’t indicate what a painful ordeal it would be, nothing would. Barrington Normal, London

IF I were Madness’s mum and Iron Maiden turned up at the door, I’d certainly think twice about letting my cheeky, ska-lite boys out to play with those sinister deathmetalists. They’d be a bad influence on them, let me tell you. Jamie Groves, email HAS anyone ever noticed that this part of Scotland looks like a penis. Especially if you draw some balls on it. And a drop of spunk coming out the end. Mike Bogbrush, Middlesbrough I BOUGHT a suit off the comedy actor superstar Simon Pegg and it fits me perfect. Shayne, Cromer

Congratulations, Shayne, let’s hope other readers have a had similar successes when buying clothes from comedy actors. Perhaps you’ve bought some trousers off Steve Coogan which fitted like a glove. Or maybe you bought a couple of shirts from Justin Edwards that could have been made to measure. Or maybe you’ve had the opposite experience and purchased one of Hugh Grant’s tweed jackets which hung off you like a sack. Write in and let us know.

IF Donald Trump happens to read this, let me just say that I can totally empathise with his situation. He got the job as president and now everyone seems to hate him. Once, me and my mates all went for the same paper round, and I got the job. I can’t even tell you the amount of times I’d come out of a morning to find that one of those bitter bastards had let my tyres down. Steve Whitbait, Leeds IF my first dump of the new year is an indicator of things to come, then 2017 is going to be a fucking great year. Bring it on! Andrew Nesbitt, Warrington

THESE five star hotels are right up themselves. How was I to know that they don’t offer “happy endings” as part of the spa treatment and massage? At a hundred-andtwenty quid a pop, a sly handjob isn’t such a big ask, surely? Walter Cardboard, Manchester

I DON’T know why these healthcare execs are making such a fuss about bed shortages in the NHS. They should come to Fife. Ever since the council started charging for commercial waste disposal at our recycling centres, just about every layby has a bed sat in it. I’m sure no-one would mind if they took the odd one away. Mike Tatham, St. Andrews

I THINK the SAS would get a lot more applicants if they rethought their work practices a bit. I’d love to sign up, but I’m not really a “morning person,” and all of this dawn raids business just wouldn’t work for me. I’m sure I speak for a lot of other people too. Gritley Mews, Cardiff

I HAVE just read that now they intend to use the wasteland around Chernobyl to build a massive solar farm. Why anyone would want Gigawatts of highly radioactive cheap Soviet electricity flooding the British market is anybody’s guess. I’m only a butcher and I spotted that danger, so why we pay boffins like Prof Brian Cox fat research grants to miss issues of national security is anybody’s guess. Adrian Newth, Stratford upon Avon

I THINK these ‘Name a Council Vehicle’ competitions run by local authorities are a fix. I suggested that our new Gritter here in the West Country be named Gary. I thought this was an exceptional suggestion but I didn’t get a look in. The winning name was announced as Fred which, since the notorious mass murder Fred West lived a mere 100 miles away in Gloucester, I thought was distasteful in the extreme. Scott Cook, Bristol

COULD some screenplay writer please hurry up and create a new murder detective who drives around in a red 1982 2.3 V6 mkV Ford Cortina Ghia with a black vinyl roof? I’ve been trying to flog mine for weeks and I’ve not had so much as a nibble. Mike Tatham, St. Andrews

TRUMP is always banging on about Mexicans, but it seems to me that America’s main problem seems to be with people coming in from Caucasia. I’m not sure where it is but in almost every American cop show I’ve watched the murderer is a male Caucasian. Mal Alcock, email THE NIGHT before Lord Snowdon died, it was pretty cold, and when I went outside, I got ‘snowed on’. Pretty spooky or what? Garry Clarke, email

IF I had a pet terrapin I would call it ‘Dick Terrapin’, unless of course it was female, in which case I would call it ‘Betty Terrapin’. Do any readers own an aquatic tortoise named after an 18th century highwayman, or a soap opera barmaid, depending on its gender? Casey Sunshine-Band, Truro

WHY did Jesus say “Get thee

behind me, Satan”? Surely that’s the last place where you’d want him to be. You want him in front where you can see what the sneaky bugger is up to. Sergio Fernández, Dublin

HOW come whenever you see Adam, of Adam and Eve fame, he always has his cock covered by a fig leaf? I don’t see what he was so worried about because if he was the only bloke on earth, Eve couldn’t really take the piss out of the size of his chopper because she had no point of reference. However, I guess we’ll never know now. J Welby, Canterbury

AFTER much research I recently discovered that at 48, I am the same age now as Nelson Mandela was when he was my age. Similarly, Prince Harry, 32, is the same age now as I was when I was his age. I wonder, do any of your other readers have age-based celebrity links? Dr Trousers, Rickmansworth

I CAN’T help feeling that the Bank of England could have saved us all a lot of time and made the world a better place by issuing a £4.99 note instead of the new £5 note. The extra time saved by not having to mess about handling 1p’s could have been spent doing charity work. I hope Mark Carney feels really guilty now. Steve Smith, Beverley

NICE to see the biddy fiddlers of Wakefield were being entertained at Christmas. Matthew Page, email

IN 1989 or thereabouts, I bought a Pathetic Sharks beach towel which is still going strong. I could provide a picture if requested, as it is in use once again as a bath towel and has been in constant use since that trip to Ibiza in 89. I don’t buy Viz any more as it’s not as funny as it was last time I bought it, but you don’t half make fantastic beach towels. Well done. Sevenperry, Leeds

IN the 1970s we all roared with laughter at the innocent humour of Are You Being Served? But I recently discovered that actor John Inman, who played the camp Mr Humphries, was a homosexual in real life. So whilst Frank Thornton, Mollie Sugden and the rest of the cast learned their craft through years of training and work in repertory theatre, Inman was simply being himself and not acting at all. And when it came to handing out the pay cheques, I bet he didn’t say “I’m free!” then. As a television licence fee payer, I feel utterly hoodwinked by this man’s little scam. Anna Glypta, Truro

THE QUEEN misses the church services over Christmas and New Year due to a cold and she’s still Defender of the Faith. Yet us common folk have to attend church all the time or we’re branded “sinners” and “heathens”. It’s one rule for the elite, another rule for the rest of us. Dave, Bracknell

I LOVE the latest McDonald’s advert where two women are stuck in a lift and someone passes them in a Big Mac meal. If I was in the same situation, however, I’d rather someone pass in a KFC, as I could eat it and save the bucket in case later on I needed a shit. Morgen Blucher, Cromer WHO the fuck are Colin and Hazel, I’d like to know, as we keep getting their mail. Mind you, one letter had a £5 Argos voucher in it, so fuck them. Hapag Lloyd, Runcorn I’M currently listening to over 200 of my own farts that I’ve recorded on my mobile phone. Do any of your readers have a more pointless and frankly weird hobby? David Whiston, London * Well, readers, do you have any... Actually, no. Forget it. SURELY a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying ‘I am not a robot’. I’ve seen Terminator 2,2 and that one could fly a fucking helicopter. Gustav Fox, Winnersh AIRPORT security need to get over themselves. Of course I packed the bag myself - we weren’t all born with a silver spoon in our mouths. Colm, Belfast

THOSE foodbank cages at the front of Tesco’s are wonderful. I’ve just done a whole week’s shopping out of one and it didn’t cost me a penny! If this is what Brexit Britain is all about, bring it on, Mrs May. J Reichelt, Grantham

THEY say that money can’t buy you love, but I bought a dog and the dog loves me. It wags its tail and licks my face and everything. Beats me how these big time songwriters get away with it. Alan Heath, North Shields

ACCORDING to Professor Brian Cox, continental drift occurs at the same rate as our finger nails grow. However I cut my nails weekly and ‘Professor’ Cox seems pretty well manicured too. As usual, the boffins think they’ve hoodwinked us with their fanciful claims. Douglas Fir, Truro