BARSE-IC INSTINCT FOR BRANSON
Virgin boss unveils hi-tech perineum plan
CEO of the Virgin empire RICHARD BRANSON has today shocked fans and investors by announcing plans to install high-speed wireless broadband… in his barse! The tidy-bearded entrepreneur unveiled the unorthodox scheme at a press conference in central London this morning.
potential
Branson told reporters: “As a businessman, I see opportunities everywhere, and I what I despise most is wasted potential. The barse just sits there on our body, between our buttocks and balls, doing literally nothing. It’s something that’s infuriated me since childhood, but I have now finally found a way to capitalise on it.”
The goatee-sporting billionaire went on to outline the methods he would be using to put his unorthodox perineum proposal into action.
kinetic
“I will be installing a tiny chip containing high-speed Virgin Media wireless broadband directly into my own barse,” Branson revealed. “This will make me the first human being with omnipresent internet connectivity. I’ll be able to check my emails or look at YouTube even inmyhot air balloon or Virgin Galactic spaceship.”
chemical
And if the trial proves successful, Branson said the in-barse wireless service could be available to Virgin customers as soon as 2019.
“Why should it just be me that has broadband in his barse?” Branson rhetorically demanded of reporters. “Virgin customers also deserve a high-speed wireless hot spot right on the cusp of their anus - and I intend to give it to them.”