TOP STONEHENGE TIPS

ENGLISH Heritage. Increase visitor through-put by issuing cattle prods to your volunteers so they can give a little poke up the arse to any tourists who are tempted to dawdle on the circular path around Stonehenge. Ada Carstairs, Kellogg

ENGLISH Heritage. Boost gift shop postcard sales by confiscating and breaking visitors’ cameras and mobile phones before letting them in to Stonehenge. Florrie Wheat, Oxtongue

STONEHENGE visitors. Whilst standing on the English Heritage path, get a sense of the sheer size of the stone circle by holding a Playmobil figure at arm’s length and squinting. If you haven’t got any Playmobil figure handy, draw a pair of shoes on the base of your thumb and a face on the nail. Bagpipes Happychap, Borth

ENGLISH Heritage. Lending Stonehenge visitors a pair of powerful binoculars or a small telescope would give them a fighting chance of seeing the fucking thing from the path. Minnie Porter, Sneinton

TOURISTS. Make a visit to Stonehenge into a proper day out by sitting in the car park listening to the radio for 7 hours and 45 minutes before you go in. Champion Mushroom, Grimsby