Red Squirrel Fallout Shelter
ASNEWLY elected US comedy President Donald Trump settles into the White House and finally gets his tiny hands on the big red nuclear button, chances are World War III will be kicking off any day now. Make no mistake, Atomic Armageddon is a truly terrifying prospect for all of us. But it’s particularly bad news for Britain’s dwindling population of red squirrels.
And it’s a tragedy that while the piss-bonkers POTUS does his best to wipe us off the face of the planet, these cute, bushy-tailed rodents - already endangered - will find themselves caught in the nuclear firing line through no fault of their own. With intercontinental ballistic missiles raining down like confetti, red squirrels will be subjected to endless, white hot 1000mph shockwaves that will incinerate everything in their path. Later, they will be forced to endure a nuclear winter lasting for centuries as toxic radioactive fallout turns their once green and pleasant environment into an arid, smoking wasteland. And even if they somehow manage to survive all this, they will still face competition from grey squirrels, competing for nuts and pushing them out of their traditional woodland habitats.
That’s why your big-hearted, animal-loving Viz has teamed up with BBC Springwatch heartthrob CHRIS PACKHAM to bring you this fantastic FREE Protect & Survive(TM)-style Red Squirrel Fallout Shelter. Chris writes: “Red squirrel numbers have been declining in the UK for years, and with Trump in the Oval Office their prospects are looking even bleaker. That’s why I’m delighted to endorse this nuclear blast-proof fallout shelter that will keep our
Sciurus vulgarises safe as houses during the forthcoming thermonuclear apocalypse.” And Packham had this important message for Viz readers: “Remember, this bunker is for red squirrels only. The grey ones can go fuck themselves.”