Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

The Latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

ah, smell that fresh country air exclam. Something to be said after dropping a ripe guff. See also sew a button on that; anybody hurt?; speak on, sweet lips that never told a lie. Amazon-esia n. medic. Condition whereby the postie turns up with a pile of brown packages and you have no memory whatsoever of ordering any of them. Andy Murray’s arm clutching

an apple, like sim. Descriptive of a very large, thick, veiny and angry-looking cock.

angry cat n. Aturd which leaves your nipsy hanging in tatters, like an old wind sock or a joke cigar, and it feels like you have just crapped out a Lego castle. barren trump n. A useless Ex

change & Mart that has no sound or smell and thus provides no satifaction or entertainment value whatsoever.

binalot n. ‘Value’ dogfood, or indeed the contents of any bargain basement meat product. ‘A pint of cookin’, please landlord, and one of your binalot pies.’ binterrogation n. An onslaught of awkward and unwelcome questions from the bag for life that commences immediately upon entering the front door, four hours late and in a state of extreme refreshment. bleeding the heat valve n. The

dispiriting business, typically a symptom of middle age when men tend to develop leaky

washers, of being compelled to take a minuscule little piss following a hot bath. brown album, the 1. n. LP released by the American rock band Primus. No, us neither. 2. n. A tosstalgic rollcall of all the women that a chap has done up the wrong ‘un. car cock n. medic. Involuntary travel fat. ‘Sorry kids, we can’t sit inside Crunchy Fried Chicken today. We’ll have to go to the drive-through because daddy’s got car cock.’ carumpfing n. Automobilebased quumfing of ladies’ car seats. Carbooning. cat’s cock hair n. The tiniest of margins, rhetorically speaking. Also bawhair, midge’s dick. ‘I see the Mackems have avoided relegation by a cat’s cock hair, Gary.’

cheesy wotsit 1. n. A pungent mouthful that leaves the fingers unpleasantly stained. 2.

n. A sort of cross between a crisp and the residue from an indoor firework.

circumcisors n. A prodigious set of gnashers that could quite conceivably remove a gentleman’s turtleneck jump

er with surgical precision during a particularly vigourous horatio session. ‘Careful down there with them circumcisors of yours, Janet.’ ‘Right you are Normski.’ cliff chicken n. Seagull.

dark passenger 1. n. The homicidal alter-ego of US TV’s

Dexter. 2. n. Malicious turdlet that clings to the perianal area during a tom tit, before releasing its grip and surreptitiously falling into your undergarments as you stand up.

duck fat exclam. Aquasi-spooneristic exclaimation of denial, disdain or non-cooperation that may safely be employed within the hearing of elderly aunts, prospective mothersin-law, papal envoys etc.

disrackted adj. Diverted by a well qualified lady. Titnotised.

dogger’s rust n. The corrosion found on vehicles belonging to suburban park and ride enthusiasts, caused by a build-up of salty deposits around the key holes, door handles and window surrounds.

Dolly Parton’s tits euph. The holy grail of things you will never get to see. female pattern baldness euph. Ladygarden topiary, eg. A shaven haven, clitler or whatever. flopfuck n. A scuttle essayed whilst less than fully tumes-

cent. Playing snooker with a piece of string, poking fog up a hill with a sharp stick, pushing marshmallows into a moneybox.

fridgilante n. One who regularly takes things - specifically the contents of the refrigerator - into their own hands.

ghost drop 1. n. In twopenny waterfall-based daytime TV quiz show Tipping Point, what they call a counter that sticks to the wall on its way down.

2. n. Aback pocket rocket that has inexplicably vanished into thin air when you turn round to admire it in the chod pan. Also poodini. ghost of Christmas presents n. The mysterious, silent and invisible parcel delivery driver who flits unseen and unheard up the drive and stealthily puts a “While you were out” card through the door while you are in.

gland tour n. The act of servicing three sweaty cocks at the same time. Derivation unknown. grundleweeds n. The dispiriting amalgam of clag, dangleberries and underpant fluff that forms on the taint, grundle or biffin’s bridge. hippo’s ears n. Petite nips dis- played on disproportionately large

milky swingers, somewhat reminiscent of the tiny external auditory structures seen on the popular eponymous river-dwelling Moominfaced ungulates.

holeslaw n. Random bits of cabbage and suchlike protruding from the rusty sheriff’s badge. horizontally tall euph. Fat. mea cunta exclam. Lat. An admission that one has acted like a complete twat. meat feast 1. n. Pizza topping. 2. n. Scene in an artistic movie in which the female protagonist samples a veritable smorgasbord of man salamis. merryneum n. Twixtmas, that period between Christmas day and New Year, a term

coined by potty-mouthed Countdown lexicographer Susie Dent.

Moroccan woodbine n. Along, super strength cigarette of the sort found in Amsterdam coffee shops.

muckspreader 1. n. Part of a tractor that a big spray of shite flies out of. 2. n. Part of a person that a big spray of shite flies out of. 3. n. A purveyor of adult-oriented literature, eg. Messrs Hefner, Sullivan, Raymond, Desmond, Flynt etc. music of the spheres 1. n. A philosophy embracing the idea of the harmonic movements of celestial bodies. 2. euph. Tuneful toots and whistles emanating from one’s backside. Newquay brown n. A floating Thora or other raw sewage doohickey, as sometimes encountered by surfers in the Cornish Riviera region. playing the bishop n. Pissing diagonally into the (hopefully vacant) adjoining urinal.

poo is in the fart phr. mus. To be sung to the tune of one hit wonders Deee-lite’s Groove

is in the Heart to lighten the mood after suffering the misfortune of following through. porn trumpet n. The male Piers Morgan. ‘Now I’m not one to blow my own porn trumpet.’ relic hunter n. A young chap who desires the companionship of much older ladies. Also known as a granny magnet, biddy fiddler, archaeologist, mothball diver or OAP-dophile. rhoid rage n. The anger that wells up uncontrollably upon discovering a freshly swollen arse grape. Seeing red. rusty nail 1. n. A cocktail of Drambuie and Scotch. 2. n. The inevitable result of inserting a digit into someone’s fifties tea towel holder, for whatever reason.

Savile-skip n. A bizarre “timejump” phenomenon experienced when binge-watching re-runs of Top of the Pops on BBC4, whereby certain episodes have been omitted for reasons of taste, leading to sudden drastic changes in the charts from episode to episode. Also Glitter gap. shit-and-run 1. n. Fleeing from the scene of a beer and curryfuelled pile-up in a public Rick

Witter without first alerting the cleaning attendant on duty. 2. v. To drop in on a friend or relative, on the pretence of seeing them, when in fact you just want to use their

bog before making your excuses and leaving.

shit-tinted spectacles n. Metaphorical misanthroptical corrective device that bestows upon the wearer the ability to only see the worst in everything and everyone.

smugget n. A tittishly self-satisfied pearl of erudite wisdom. On Have I Got News For You, Ian Hislop is wont to deliver a

smugget at the end of each answer, before tapping his pen on the desk and pulling an expression like one of those squashable rubber faces with finger holes in the back. soft brexit n. Some freedom of movement four hours after a Wetherspoon’s Full English.

sweep the chimney v. To push toilet paper up the nipsy whilst overzealously wiping one’s bum. three-panter n. A horror film or experience so terrifying that you have to change your undercrackers at least twice. toad of fuck all euph. A motorist who believes that his personalised numberplates are a sign of esteem and influence. truffle butter n. Milp, blip. The fanny batter of a woman who is frothing like bottled Bass. ‘ Imust say dear, watching Alan Titchmarsh at the Chelsea Flower Show has got my truffle butter streaming and my gusset is wetter than an otter’s neck. I really need to see to myself.’

truffle heart 1. n. One of the chocolates in a box of Milk Tray. 2. n. rhym. slang. A dropped gut. From truffle heart = Bakewell tart. tugboat n. A bachelor’s crusty sock or other handy spooge receptacle. vandalised bus seat, fanny like a sim. A badly packed kebab that has taken a proper hammering over the years. wheelie bin full of kelp, like a sim. Yet another term describing the sopping parts of shame of an enfrothulated lady. See also otter’s pocket, turfer’s knee, gravel lorry at the lights, Whitney Houston’s last joint, Lee Evans’s suit. Wigan wet wipe n. The act of spitting on a wad of Poundland shitscrape in order to lessen its impact on a raw ring

piece after a hard night in the Royal Bengali.