UP THE ARSE CORNER
WHAT with Easter just gone, I wondered if atheists ate Easter eggs? Wilf, Towcester
*That’s a good question, Wilf. Theoretically they should not, but you never know with these Godless heathens. Perhaps one of our readers spotted Richard Dawkins noshing on a Cadbury’s Creme Egg. Maybe they saw Sam Harris eagerly ripping the silver paper off a Mars bar egg. Or perhaps they saw Professor Lawrence Krauss’s mum buying him an egg from Thorntons with his name written on it in white chocolate. Let us know and we’ll expose their utter hypocrisy in the next issue.
I NEVER know quite how to pronounced zeitgeist, so I think that they should come up with a better word for it. The same thing applies to behemoth. Nick Hale, Uxbridge
GERI ‘Ginger’ Spice says that she wants her own songs played at her funeral. Surely bereaved loved ones have a difficult enough time as it is on these occasions, without forcing them to listen to that? David Craik, Hull
IF I WAS prime minister I’d probably start by getting rid of newts. I don’t think we really need them if we’re being completely honest. Gustav Fox, Dalston
I WAS at a funeral recently and at the wake, the sandwiches were served on brown bread. As a cockney, I thought this was a very insensitive thing to do. Dr. Syrup, Mornington
I DON’T know why everyone is so critical of Sir Bradley Wiggins for not revealing what was in the package sent to him at his French training camp. It could well have been something he clearly didn’t want making public, like a pocket fanny, or a supply of pile ointment. Leave the man alone, I say. H Crumblehorne, Leeds
“YOU can’t always get what you want,” said rubber-lipped pensioner Mick Jagger. I presume that he must be doing his shopping at my local Spar. Iain Devenney, Oxford
MY local Red Arrow bus claims to travel “From Derby to Nottingham non-stop!” Well when I was driving behind one the other day, I saw it stop several times at traffic lights. Why can’t these slogan makers get their acts together? Jimmy the H, Nottingham
I SAW a police notice that read “Serious accident here recently” and I wondered, if it had been two clown cars colliding with a glitter spillage and custard squirting out of the radiators the only consequences, would the notice say “Amusing accident here recently”? Actually, having thought about it, probably not. Graham, Leeds
WHEN people call for Sir Philip Green to be ‘hit where it hurts him most - in the pocket’, I wonder if they realise that Sir Philip probably doesn’t keep much of his £3bn fortune in his pocket. I would imagine he keeps it in a bank account, and a high interest one at that. James Lewis, Bethnal Green
OSCAR Wilde once proclaimed that “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” However, as anyone who has ever sat through an hour of Tim Vine - Live at the Apollo would attest, this assertion is now sadly outdated. Jasper Cockproud, Halifax
I THINK the BBC have got it all wrong. With being a Timelord, I would expect him to be called Dr When rather than Dr Who. But, I suppose it’s one rule for a multi-platform world wide media conglomerate and another rule for the rest of us, as usual. AD Phillips, Southampton
IN THIS time of uncertainty surrounding Brexit, I think
Deal or No Deal host Noel Edmonds should be brought in to sit at the negotiating table opposite Mr Juncker and Mr. Barnier. With his consummate experience at negotiating deals on his long-running programme, Noel will surely make a meal of the two Eurocrats. He could also take along his sidekick Mr Blobby who, being quite burly, would be an intimidating presence and keep representatives of the other 27 nation states on the straight and narrow. Vance Fregnapippo, South Oxhey
I AM WRITING in response to Mr. Fregnapippo’s letter
(above). I think the idea of appointing Noel Edmond from Deal
or No Deal and Mr Blobby as the UK’s Chief Negotiators with the EU is ludicrous and demeaning of the whole Brexit process. It would be better if we appointed several celebrity Negotiators, people like John McCririck, Katie Hopkins and Joe Swash, to hammer out the best deal for the UK. Highlights from the negotiations could be broadcast every evening and the British public could phone in to “evict” celebrities each week until we were left with one ‘King or Queen of the Negotiators.’ Lee Mortacchi, Oxhey North
I’M BEGINNING to wonder if Human singer Rag’n’Bone Man is actually a real rag and bone man. I rang his record company a few times last week to ask if he might be interested in collecting our old washing machine but I was told in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t. J. Hargreaves, Cambridge
MY WIFE was moaning about life being mundane and wished it could be more like it is in the movies. Imagine my surprise when after 10 minutes of bumming, followed by a huge facial, she complained that “that’s not what real people do.” Come on, love. You can’t have it both ways. Stu Perry, Isle of Man
I GOT a tattoo whilst completely drunk in Kavos. I asked for an arrow pointing to my ring piece with the words ‘Insert Here’ written above it. When I sobered up the next day, I was devastated. Something was lost in translation and the tattooist had actually written ‘Insert Hare.’ Both my parents are English teachers and they would go apeshit if they saw it. Tarquin Barnyard, Wells
I WAS watching an episode of Police! Camera! Action! on TV which featured footage of a suspected armed robber being interviewed in police custody. The assailant’s face was deliberately obscured by pixels to conceal his identity before his case came to trial. But he was taking the piss out of the interviewing officers by putting on a deep, warbly comedy voice. As a former detective constable myself I found this extremely irritating, and I would certainly have told him to stop larking about and speak properly. T Lines, email
PEOPLE who complain that Creme Eggs don’t taste as good as they used to are talking rubbish. I found a half-eaten one from 1987 under the dog’s blanket in the car and it made me vomit for three days. Edward G. Baston, Edgbaston
I KNOW it sounds selfish, but I hope one of these lunatics presses the nuclear button and plunges the world into a postapocalyptic wasteland fairly soon. If the inevitable collapse of civilisation takes much longer, I’m going be too old to put a human skull on my head and learn how to fight someone with a spear on a dirt bike . Gustav Fox, Don Henley-On-Thames
I DON’T know why the emergency services use such startling sirens as they go about their work. Ice cream vans manage to attract our attention perfectly well without scaring us all half to death. I’m not for a moment suggesting that a fire engine should play Teddy Bear’s Picnic as it rushes to an inferno, but something more gentle like Afternoon Delight would certainly get my attention at any rate. Bevis Unction, Leeds
IF I OWNED a cafe, I’d more than likely call eggy bread ‘egg in toast’ as opposed to ‘egg on toast.’ Also, I can see absolutely no reason whatsoever not to let people in wearing ‘designer’ jeans. Sadly, I would not admit admit anyone with ‘designer’ stubble into the cafe, unless of course they were happy to sit in the garden, if my cafe had one. Nick Wesley, Southend
I HAVE to say, my faith in human nature has been restored lately. The undertakers we hired to bury my father were brilliant. They gave us all a lift to the cemetery and if that wasn’t enough, they all turned up and looked proper sad by the graveside despite not even knowing him. Broken Britain? I don’t think so. Barry Cardboard, Yorkshire
IF YOU think about it, flowers are just plant hard-ons. David Bellamy, Colchester
LAST Saturday I enjoyed the Holy Trinity of gluttony - a full English for my breakfast, a curry for my tea and fish and chips for my supper. So there you go, Jamie Oliver. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe
IT’S A SHAME that the Americans don’t do a version of Dragons’ Den. I have a great idea for them, and it’s basically brown paper shopping bags… but with handles. I think they’d really go for it. Hector Devizes, London