Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

The Latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

adventure bay 1. n. prop. Afictional location on kids’ show

Paw Patrol. 2. n. Exciting harbour where, from time to time, the skin boat is wont to dock and unload its cargo. The Bermuda triangle. Bavarian, the n. Passing wind in a series of releases while walking, thus giving the impression that you are being followed by a small, malodorous oompah band. Also known as a duckwalk, string

of pearls, ugly duckling or one-stroke cylinder engine. bempty adj. A right proper clear out; a ground-up spring clean of the Simon Cowells. From bum + empty. ‘I am just going outside for a bempty and I may be some time.’ (last words of Captain Oates, March 17th 1912).

blue cock n. A tight-fisted wanker. ‘Oh! But he was a mean and miserable hand at the grind-stone, Scrooge! A squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, old blue cock!’

(from A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens). bone of contention n. An erection that sparks a stonking argument. bone shaker 1. n. An early type of bicycle. 2. n. A gentleman who favours the more mature lady. A biddy fiddler, oap-dophile, tomb raider, granny magnet or mothball diver. 3. n. An expert woodburner, who goes at it like Ray Mears starting a fire. bronze medal n. Brown wings. charging the watch battery euph. Having one off the wrist. ‘I was watching Countdown and I just had this irresistable urge to charge my watch battery. That Nick Hewer’s gorgeous.’

chocolate lab n. 1. A brown- coated breed of dog. 2. euph. A person’s dirt bakery; the foul-smelling back-stairs Porton Down-style laboratory where confections of various strengths, aromas and consistencies are created. clothes peg on a beanbag, like a sim. Insult directed at a chap whose slag hammer is disproportionately smaller than his chumblies. crowd sauced adj. Descriptive of a lucky adult entertainment actress who has achieved full funding from a large group of willing backers. See also twenty-one gun salute, plasterer’s radio. depth charge n. An explosive bouquet of beans in the bath that would easily take out a U-boat, in the frankly unlikely event that one happened to be lurking under the bubbles.

dry roasted adj. Entered simultaneously at either end by a pair of professional footballers, without the benefit of lubrication. elderflower 1. n An ingredient put into cordial. 2. n An old maid’s mothy clopper. empty headlock, fanny like an

sim. Said of a cavernous and accommodating clunge that is reminiscent of the empty

void left when a wrestler frees himself from the eponymous

underarm hold. Also arse like a ~. ‘What can I say about my next guest? She’s one of the last great stars from the golden age of Hollywood and after getting married nine times, she must have a fanny like an empty headlock. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Russell Harty Show welcome to Miss Zsa Zsa Gabor.’ farts council n. A row of toilet cubicles where each occupant is noisily passing a tricky motion. free jazz 1. n. Bewildering and seemingly chaotic subgenre of improvised music, supposedly enjoyed by men with berets, black polo neck jumpers and beards. 2. n. Complex and outof-control internet-based masturbational procedure, in which multiple windows containing different competing forms of

grumble are kept open simultaeously on the desktop. Sometimes foolishly combined with a work conference call.

frosty milkman’s finger n. The tip of a fellow’s purple pearler when he awakens following an unexpected wet dream.

goochyfragrancen. Themusky, manly aroma of a gymnasium locker room, rugby club changing area or wrestler’s jockstrap launderette. Eau de barse. Heineken manoeuvre n. Lifesaving first aid procedure. hobophobic adj. Averse to gentlemen of the road. ‘Ooh no, Nigel never buys the Big Issue. He’s violently hobophobic.’ hipster’s beard, fanny like a sim. A particularly wellgroomed, hirsute quim that is

prone to gentrification and can be tugged on whilst pondering. it’s lights out and away we go!

exclam. Pre-intercourse rallying cry said in the excitable manner of Formula One commentator David Croft at the start of a Grand Prix. See also and that’s it, the race has been red-flagged. jelly the pie 1. v. In the pastry industry, to inject, well, jelly into a pork pie. 2. v. In a loving relationship, to inject, well, spunk into a hairy pie.

loosener 1. n. In cricket, a wayward first delivery of the morning session. 2. n. In shit

ting, a wayward first delivery of the morning session, possibly as a result of a bad pint or dodgy kebab.

palm oil 1. n. Highly saturated vegetable fat derived from the palm fruit, the production of which is responsible for unsustainable levels of deforestation in third-world communities and a great deal of leafleting in British high streets. 2. n. Any mastubatory lubricant, eg. Hand cream, Stork SB, WD40.

pea pod n. A troublesome, lengthy stool that requires repeated flexing of the anal sphincter and lower bowel in order to expel it from the body, resulting in breather rings that give it a ribbed appearance similar to a pea pod, although hopefully not bright green. ‘I’m just going upstairs to crimp out a pea pod, nan.’ piss through a sheet of lead, I

could exclam. Said by a dehydrated lorry driver, whose alarmingly dark, high-pH wazz is extremely corrosive and can only be safely contained in an Irn Bru bottle.

pound shop Santa n. A less than generous person.

pouquet n. The olfactory signa

ture of a good Bakewell tart. ‘Ah yes, this bottom burp has a very distinctive pouquet. It’s a naive domestic dropped gut without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumption.’ (Cartoon by James Thurber in The New Yorker, 1937). president has landed, the ex

clam. An amusing announcement following a loud and unpleasant trump. See also better an eviction than a bad tenant; what’s that, Sweep?; my, that duck’s got bad breath and many more. procrapstination n. The act of delaying starting an important task by nipping off to drop a length of dirty spine. rugdoctor 1. n. A large carpetwashing vacuum that can be hired after elderly relatives have been staying. 2. n. medic. A consultant gynaecologist. Also doctopussy, box doc,

fanny mechanic, mingineer or cunt dentist.

runners and riders euph. A slightly more to-the-point, binary version of snog, marry, avoid.

scabbatical n. A self-imposed temporary break from carnival shenanigans taken while waiting for the happy rash pustules on your bellend to heal up. Scottish enlightenment, the 1.

n. hist. Aflourishing of philosophy, economics and the natural sciences that emerged in

Scotland in the late eighteenth century. 2. n. A temporary flourishing of Scottish culture as the inhabitants sober up, a cognitive renaissance that typically occurs between between 11am and 3.30pm most days. shrinkflation 1. n. Post-Brexit reduction in the size of commonfoodstuffs, eg. Toblerone, while their price remains the same. 2. n. Common physiological shift amongst saladdodging males whereby the size of their genitalia becomes inversely proportional to their body mass. skid pan alley euph. A row of poorly maintained public chod bin cubicles. straight and narrow, on the adj. Happily married. Doing penile servitude. turd widow n. The lonesome mien of a one who is left on their own for extended periods of time whilst their partner drops the shopping. under the Wether adj. Not exactly firing on all cylinders following a night on the tiles at a well known cheap booze emporium. Spooned. uptown spunk n. That with which a chap fills a jubber ray when he indulges himself with a posh wank. visibodies n. Hi-vis jacketed, officious jobsworths. wattle and daub 1. n. A medieval building material consisting of a woven wooden lattice clagged up with straw and cow shite. 2. n. A situation that arises when the residue from a session of the squirts binds with one’s arse cress and dries to form a sturdy structure. what hath God wrought? exclam. Used when looking back into the bum sink and seeing something terrifying in the water. wing commander n.

Rank given to those that have achieved distinction in all three of the major bedroomdisciplines, viz. Yellow, brown and red wings. wrestling fan’s virginity, as long as a sim. An incredibly lengthy space of time, with no sign of change on the hori

zon. ‘Oh yes, the first charter was granted in the 12th Century, madam. There’s been a Wednesday market in Tewkesbury Town Square for as long as a wrestling fan’s virginity.’