PRINCESS MELTS HEARTS AT CHURCH FETE
TWO pensioners were fighting for their lives last night, after having their hearts melted by 2-year-old PRINCESS CHARLOTTE.
Edna Simple and Dolly Plain, both 86, were yesterday attending a church fete in their hometown of Windsor, which was being opened by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and their two young children. But when the octogenarian duo caught sight of Princess Charlotte, their pulmonary arteries instantly began to liquefy, causing them to collapse to the ground in agony.
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Onlooker Torin Littlegaunt told reporters: “The whole thing was terrifying. Wills and Kate cut the ribbon and declared the fete open, and then began playing with Prince George and Princess Charlotte.”
“I heard an old lady next to me nudge her companion and say how adorable Princess Charlotte looked. The next thing I knew they were both tumbling to the floor, gripping their chests and gasping about how their cardiovascular organs were rapidly deliquescing.”
Mrs Simple and Mrs Plain were rushed to hospital where doctors confirmed that their hearts had indeed been “partially melted” by the cherubic infant royal.
“They should count themselves lucky,” said chief surgeon Palpatine Gammacock. “If they had watched the lovable blue-blooded toddler frolic for even half a second longer, or if she had been wearing a pink knitted hat with a flower on, their ventricles would have disintegrated beyond repair.”
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The ladies are said to be in stable condition, but officials have warned royal watchers to take extra care when looking at Princess Charlotte, particularly when she is gambolling, capering or merrily larking about.
“You should only ever view Princess Charlotte through strong sunglasses,” advised the BBC’s royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell.
And the carrot-topped monarchy monitor had this warning for fans of the House of Windsor: “If you do happen to look directly at a picturesque regal child, and you suspect your heart is starting to melt, simply look immediately at one of the less endearing royals, such as Prince Edward or Prince Andrew, and your heart should harden again.”