Britain’s liveliest gate and hinged barrier forum, hosted by deceased AC/DC wild manBON SCOTT

Hi. BON SCOTT here. You’ll know me as the deceased former frontman of Antipodean rock hell-raisers AC/DC. However, when I’m not singing with my band, or dying in 1980 from alcohol poisoning, you can bet your boots that I’m bending some bugger’s ear about

RECENTLY sent my husband out to get a new gate, because ours was completely rusted and worn out. Imagine my surprise when he returned to the house a few hours later, walking in an entirely different way than previously. You see, he had misinterpreted my use of the word ‘gate’ (hinged barrier) to mean ‘gait’ (style or manner of walking). I wasn’t particularly amused by this mix-up, but my husband laughed so hard at it that he passed out and had an accident in his trousers. MsAgnes Kerosene, Deptford

I ABSOLUTELY love gates. In fact, I love them so much that I recently changed my surname by deed poll to Gates... and moved to Gateshead. Eric Gates, Gateshead

WHEN we were kids, me and my pals used to slam old Mrs Shaw’s gate late at night until she came to the door to shout at us. Other times we would take it off its hinges and throw it in her pond for a laugh. Another time we covered it in lighter fuel and set it on fire. We were just high-spirited children having a bit of fun, but the miserable cow called the police. I hope I’ve got more of a sense of humour than she had when I get to my late nineties. Terry Scrote, Barnton

EVERY time I go for a walk in the country, there are signs everywhere from farmers telling me to close their gates. Well I don’t go round telling farmers to close my front door for me at night. If they want their gates shut they can ruddy well do it themselves. We pay enough for our food. Hampton Icicle, Cheadle

MY SON and I set out for work at the same time each morning, and it used to really annoy me that he always went through the garden gate ahead of me. So I bought a pair of horse racing starting gates from ebay and installed them in place of our usual gate. Now each morning when we set off for work, my son and I each get into one of the traps. As soon as we are ‘under starter’s orders’ my wife pulls the lever to open the gates, and we’re off. Bo Oates, Teddington

AS A life-long gate fan, I find it utterly sickening that my beloved hinged barriers are constantly used as the goto suffix for any sordid, high-profile political or cultural scandal that comes along. Ever since ‘Watergate’ in the 1970s, gates have had their good name repeatedly tarnished by the despicable, underhanded deeds of amoral public figures all across the globe. Well, I for one refuse to play along any longer. From this day forward, I will refer to all -gate scandals with the suffix -frontdoor instead. So, I shall be speaking of ‘Waterfrontdoor’, ‘Sachsfrontdoor’, ‘Bigotfrontdoor’, and so on. I will be fascinated to know what the liberal snowflakes of the so-called ‘PC Brigade’ make of that. Oliver Reaction, Herts

GOING on holiday this year, I had just checked my luggage in at the airport and the woman behind the counter told me I could “find my gate by looking at the departures board.” “Oh? Well it was at the end of my path when I left this morning,” I quipped. I walked away chuckling but soon stopped when I checked the departure board. There underneath it was my garden gate. It must have snagged on my suitcase as we left for the airport and then somehow dropped off as we approached the check-in. Mr Frank Golightly, Leics I WAS married for thirty years to a man who constructed hinged barriers to be placed at the end of garden paths or driveways. However, I recently divorced him to remarry a well-known software billionaire from the United States. So I suppose you could say that my husband used to build gates, but now he’s Bill Gates! Ada Gates, California

WHY do railway level crossing gates go up and down rather than swinging sideways? If you ask me, the signalmen are going through some sort of midlife crisis and they think that younger women will go out with them if their level crossings have Lamborghini-style doors. Sad. Audrey Dogyacht, Leeds

I NOTED recently with no small amount of disgust that a film called

Fences was nominated for several Oscars at this year’s Academy Awards. But were any films about gates in the running? No. Gates are quite clearly better than fences as they provide the same function of land enclosure yet feature the additional option of easy entry and egress. But still Hollywood fails to recognise their superiority on screen. Come on, movie makers, let’s have a few more films about gates, and a few less about fences, please. M Chamberpot, London