10 Things You Never Knew About GATES

1 Believe it or not, gates were invented by none other than GOD himself. When the omniscient Deity set about creating Heaven 6,000 years ago, the first thing he did was to invent a huge set of hinged barriers to go at the front. He then invented pearls with which to decorate the gates and SAINT PETER, who was employed as a kind of bouncer, to stand outside the Pearly Gates, checking dead people’s ID before they came in.

2 The most expensive gate in the world belongs to none other than short-arsed U2 vocalist, BONO. Covered in diamonds, sapphires, rubies and £100 notes, the 24-carat gold gate cost a whopping £13 MILLION to construct. In 2005 it was famously flown halfway across the world in a private jet back when Bono was on tour in Australia and realised that the hotel he was staying in didn’t have a gate outside it.

3 Bonkers pop diva LADY GAGA made quite the impression at last year’s Grammy Awards when she stepped onto the red carpet... wearing nothing but a garden gate! “Gates are the ultimate fashion accessory,” the Poker Face hitmaker told reporters. “I think they’re utterly, utterly divine.”

4 You might expect the world’s smallest gate to be found in the garden of the world’s smallest man, CALVIN PHILLIPS. But you’d only be half right. Because the world’s smallest gate is in fact ‘Tinybigotgate’ - a political scandal involving the world’s smallest man, Calvin Phillips. In the runup to the 2010 general election, Labour leader GORDON BROWN was heard on camera referring to Mr Phillips as a “tiny bigot” after the diminutive voter espoused some anti-immigration views during a town hall Q&A session. Brown was forced to apologise, and Phillips became briefly notorious in the British press, being referred to in headlines as ‘Tinybigotgate Man.’

5 Believe it or not, rap icon P DIDDY is the owner of the world’s largest gate collection. The Bad Boy For Life hip-hopper keeps a whopping 64,617 different types of gate in a big padlocked shed at the end of his garden. “I got more muthafuckin’ gates than I know what to do with,” Diddy told Build Your Own E-Type Jaguar magazine recently.

6 As well being beloved by humans, gates also exist in the animal kingdom. When an octopus constructs a sub-aqua ‘garden’ to attract a mate, it will fashion a primitive gate out of razor clam shells and algae, using half a dead cuttlefish as a ‘Beware of the dog’ sign and a sea slug as a dog.

7 The German language famously contains the untranslatable word ‘Schadengatenfreude’ - a singular term used to describe the “pleasure taken in witnessing someone else’s pain when they trap their finger in a gate.”

8 Celebs who love gates include poisonous gobshite KATIE HOPKINS, extreme fisherman ROBSON GREEN and well-endowed Labour backbencher

STEPHEN POUND MP.

9 Celebs who loathe and detest gates include EastEnders actor ADAM WOODYATT, Specials frontman TERRY HALL and freelance ejaculator PETER NORTH.

10 Celebs who have yet to state their preference either way on gates include Lovejoy star IAN MCSHANE, snooker ace WILLIE

THORNE and wet-lipped bell-end MICHAEL GOVE.