THE FATHER, THE SON & THE HOLY SPIRIT LEVEL
YOUR theological DIY questions answered by the Archbishop of Canterbury,
Dear Justin, MY GRANDSON
is putting up a bookshelf for me above my bed. However, he told me that since it is a stud wall, he can’t use the rawl plugs I bought as they won’t take the weight. He’s insisting I’ll have to fork out for some more costly expanding cavity bolts or the shelf will fall down within days. Surely, though, as I have led a pure and sin-free life, God could see his way clear to keeping my shelf up with the rawl plugs I have already purchased? Ada Cassock, Hammersmith
Justin says:
“God is all-powerful, so He would certainly be able to keep your shelf up with conventional rawl plugs for all eternity, if He so wished. And you could load it with a million tons of books and it would stay up if He wanted it to, such is his power. But God created all things for a reason, and thus if He started imbuing rawl plugs with additional terrestrial powers, it would render His creation of expanding cavity bolts redundant. I’m afraid on this occasion you’ll just have to put your hand in your pocket and nip back to B&Q.” Dear Justin,
I RECENTLY
installed a brand new combi boiler in my kitchen. It’s working fine but every so often it emits a strange, high-pitched hissing sound, which I’m beginning to find a little unsettling. I’d rather not shell out for a plumber so I was wondering, since God is all-seeing and all-knowing, could you ask him to check what the noise is and exactly how I can stop it? Martin Raskolnikov, Cheam
Justin says:
“I put your query to God in my prayer this morning, Martin, but I suspect He has slightly more pressing matters to deal with at present. However, the Holy Ghost did get back to me with this advice: he said the first thing you need to do is check if the boiler is still firing when you are NOT drawing hot water from the tap. If it IS firing, then the Holy Ghost said it’s probably either topping up its hot water store, or it has a leak. He added that you should keep an eye on your filling loop and verify that it is turned off at BOTH ends and that the boiler pressure gauge is normal. Amen” Dear Justin,
MY HUSBAND
Nigel is a dab hand at DIY, and he’s spent the past few weeks working away at a beautiful oak-panelled storage unit for our telly and Sky box. However, he dropped dead this morning of a heart attack and it’s still only half-finished. I can’t possibly finish it on my own, so I was wondering - if I chuck all the parts and tools and suchlike in Nigel’s coffin when I bury him, would he be able to complete the job up in Heaven? And if so, how would I go about transporting the finished unit back down to this astral plane? Doreen Heartless, Stamford Brook “Burying the parts and tools in your husband’s coffin would certainly ensure that they reach the afterlife with him, but I’m afraid the likelihood of your husband finishing this construction job in the hereafter is slim. If he’s up in Heaven, he will understandably be more interested in supping Manna with the angels or bathing in God’s radiant glory than finishing a cabinet he will never actually use. And if he’s down in Hell, I’m afraid he is even less likely to complete the job, as he will be far too busy having his skin flayed endlessly from his body by Beelzebub’s despicable hordes. I hope that answers your question.”
Have YOU got a question about home improvement that’s also in some way linked to the Anglican faith? Why not write in to ‘The Father, The Son & The Holy Spirit Level’ c/o ‘Handy’ Justin Welby, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ