Who's Who & What’s What at a Car Boot Sale
JUST LIKE fish and chips, the Changing of the Guard and a marked disinclination to learn foreign languages, the car boot sale is a British institution. Every Sunday morning, millions of us flock to muddy fields around the country to spend a depressing couple of hours dejectedly searching for non-existent treasure amidst a morass of broken and unwanted crap. But although it’s a thoroughly miserable experience that leaves us wanting a bath, the perennial allure of the car boot sale is hard to resist. So just what is it that keeps us coming back time and time again to this depressing parade of flotsam? Let’s visit a typical Sunday morning gathering to discover…
1 Kiddies’ Ride THIS charming handcranked merry-goround is a throwback to the happy-go-lucky days of yesteryear, before health & safety legislation, public liability insurance and CRB checks put a stop to this kind of innocent fun. Billed as “An Authentic Victorian Funfair Experience” costing just £1.50, toddlers can enjoy ten revolutions on a rickety deathtrap knocked up from scaffolding pipe, an old mangle and the differential off a Commer van, coming away with happy memories that will last a lifetime as well as a reasonable chance of tetanus. The owner/operator is the subject of several Cease & Desist orders from Trading Standards and has been exposed in the local paper on numerous occasions.
2 Produce Sellers THE artisanal produce sellers can easily be spotted thanks to their distinctive liveried aprons, the beautifully arranged display of their fare, and the complete absence of people in front of their stall. They have unfortunately confused a down-at-heel provincial car boot sale with a Chealsea-style farmers’ market like what Nigella Lawson would go to. Bootgoers are a notoriously tight-fisted bunch, and few if any here are willing to fork out the thick end of a tenner for a small sourdough ciabatta loaf, a jar of fig and quince balsamic relish or a gluten-free organic cupcake.
3 Dealers THE early bird catches the worm, or so the saying goes, and this is certainly true at a car boot sale, where dealers desperate to secure the best bargains descend like ravenous locusts on stallholders as soon as they arrive. Before this seller has had a chance to put the handbrake on, they have opened his boot and begun fighting over his wares like hungry seagulls at the tip. In the confusion, the hapless stallholder sells his spare wheel, jack and wheelbrace for £1, whilst the family dog brings 50p.
4 Film Crew AT most car boot sales you will find a TV crew filming a low rent daytime programme. The show’s dismal, orange-hued host affects to be an eccentric by means of an unusual sartorial quirk such as wearing a bow tie, colourful glasses or an unusual waistcoat. Each competing couple is accompanied by a so-called antiques “expert” who is trying even harder than the host to be memorable to the viewing public. The teams must find antiques and haggle the stallholders down to a price that has previously been agreed with a researcher, before putting their finds into an auction and selling them for a huge loss. Contestants wear brightly coloured fleeces which are taken from them at the end of filming for use in the rest of the fifteen episodes being filmed that day.
5 Bereaved Son THIS stallholder is a recently bereaved son who is attempting to sell off his late mother’s extensive stockpile of limited edition collector plates, heirloom thimbles and whimsical cat statuettes. At a conservative estimate, the wares arrayed on his pasting table represent nearly £45,000 of his inheritance. Each item for sale is in mint condition and comes complete with its original packaging and a hand-numbered certificate of authenticity. He is asking a pound each, but will take 75 pence or sell the whole lot for twenty quid. He has been attending this car boot for the last three weeks but is yet to make a sale.
6 Burger Van EVERYTHING on the stalls at the car boot is outdated, unwanted and past its best, and the food cooking on the hotplate in the Burger Van is no different. There’s an extensive menu to cater for every imaginable taste: hungry bargain hunters can choose from burger in a bun, burger in a bun with onions, cheeseburger in a bun or cheeseburger in a bun with onions. Meanwhile vegetarians can tuck into cheese in a bun with onions, and there’s even a vegan option: onions in a bun. Or, for the vegan with a gluten intolerance, onions.
7 Vinyl Records AFTER reading an article about the upsurge in value of rare vinyl records on the BBC website, this couple have retrieved their old albums from the loft, which they are now selling for £40 each. However, eager collectors looking for first pressings of Sgt Pepper, Northern Soul rarities and Jimi Hendrix white labels are in for a disappointment, as the box contains just 3 LPs: Mantovani’s Magic Touch, Around the World with Klaus Wunderlich and Mrs Mills’ Cockney Knees-Up.
8 Artist A LOCAL artist whose work displays an at-best tenuous grip on the laws of perspective, composition and colour. He has been hawking the same tragic selection of garish sunsets, seascapes and horses with their back legs hid-
den behind a bush for the last 15 years. He spends each Sunday sitting behind his pasting table, wearing a fisherman’s smock and a Breton cap, comforting himself with the thought that Van Gogh never sold a painting as he dreams of the day when he is discovered by a top Bond Street dealer and is given an exhibition at the Tate Gallery. He has yet to sell a single one of his risible pictures, despite repeatedly dropping his prices and instigating a two-for-one offer on crying clown portraits.
9 Charity Raffle NO car boot sale is complete without a charity tombola stall. When pressed, the proprietor is vague about the name, nature and official number of the charity for which he is raising funds, but he insists it is something to do with children, wheelchairs and guide dogs. But it’s all for a good cause, and with tickets priced at just £1 with the chance to win a bottle of HP sauce, some pan scourers or a tin of Ravioli, business is brisk as big-hearted shoppers queue up to do their bit for the needy.