SCIENTISTS SOLVE HOUSING CRISIS
HE problems caused by a shortage of affordable housing could be a thing of the past according to one group of scientists. And the answer is not to build more homes taking up more green space, but simply for landlords to exploit the relationship that exists between time and space at the quantum level. And physicists working at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider have suggested that Britain’s lettings agents could rent out property in a FIFTH DIMENSION.
“Our homes currently exist in the standard four dimensions in which we live,” said Professor Joe Royal. “But if somebody lived in the fifth dimension instead, two sets of tenants could theoretically inhabit the same house at the same time.”
And according to the professor, the two tenants would never meet each other, or even be aware of each others’ existence.
“The veil separating any two dimensions is at the same time non-existent and infinitely wide,” he said, rather confusingly. “In the same way that an electron can be in two places at the same time, two tenants can occupy the same space. But to each one, the other would simply not exist. There would never be a queue for the shitter or anything like that.”
And the CERN eggheads are even working on a portal which would transport the second set of tenants to the alternate plane of existence.
Unsurprisingly, letting agents around the country were excited by the research. Vince Dishonest, CEO of Bastard Lettings said that it was great news for both people seeking somewhere to live and landlords. But mainly landlords. “This scientific breakthrough means that rather than renting out one damp, insanitary London bedsit for £2,000 a month, we can now collect twice that, which is marvellous,” he said. “For the advancement of science, obviously.”
“We would show prospective tenants round the flat in our dimension to see if they liked it,” he said. “Then, after paying their deposit and nine months rent, plus an inventory fee and compulsory credit check fee and sundry expenses, we would give them the key to the portal and they could move in.”
And despite his complete ignorance of quantum physics, Dishonest saw no reason why an infinite number of tenants could not let a single property.
“Since these dimensions are theoretical concepts, there may be no limitations on their number,” he postulated. “There could be hundreds, thousands, even millions of families all living in different dimensions in the same house.”
“Just think of all that rent,” he said, foaming at the mouth. “Not to mention the infinite number of deposits we would refuse to give back because we’d claim they had ‘scratched some furniture’, ‘broken a light fitting’ or ‘left the cooker in an unusable state’.”