GIRLS ALOUD’S NIC DISCOVERS NEW COUNTRY
Nautical Nic finds new land mass
GIRLS ALOUD star NICOLA ROBERTS surprised fans yesterday when she announced that she had discovered a NEW COUNTRY.
The one-time girlband member broke the news just before midnight to her half million Twitter followers, tweeting: ‘Did you miss me? Just back from 2yr adventure. Discv’d a NEW COUNTRY! YEAH!’ Roberts, 31, embarked on an epic sea voyage back in 2015, but the event attracted little media attention at the time and her army of fans assumed she was taking a break from social media and public appearances.
odyssey
But back from her odyssey, the former Popstars: The Rivals winner explained via a series of tweets how her sturdy craft had traversed the Bay of Biscay and made good around the treacherous Cape Horn. The popster, whose hits include Beat of
My Drum and Lucky Day, eventually made landfall at an island which she assumed was Siam.
However, according to the Stamford-born songstress, the sight of diverse, strange and unnatural creatures alerted her to the fact that she was in a land beyond the ken of human imagining.
odyssey
As she explored the strange island, the Britain’s Next Top Model judge witnessed miraculous sights, including a bush whose fruit was live lambs, and a family of dragons living inside a giant walnut shell.
According to the model and makeup designer, the new country, which she has named Nicola Roberts Land, is not home to any people and food is scarce, with the exception of tomatoes and a strange fruit that is a bit like a cross between a cucumber and a grape.
shalamar
And the discovery of Nicola Roberts Land has caused great excitement amongst geographers and explorers. “Much as we believed that every inch of the earth’s surface has been comprehensively mapped, it is always exciting when a new land mass is discovered,” said Chair of the Royal Geographical Society, Barbara Mint.
“And we are pleased to announce that Nicola will be presenting her findings to us in a lecture next week,” she added. “Tickets to the event are £10, and everyone attending will receive a goody bag containing a CD copy of Girls Aloud’s Greatest Hits and a tube of face cream from Roberts’ Dainty Doll range of cosmetics.”
When pressed by her followers to reveal the location of Nicola Roberts Land, Roberts, whose album Cinderel
la’s Eyes peaked at number 17 in the charts, remained tight lipped. “I will never, ever reveal where it is,” she vouchsafed.
earth, wind & fire
According to insiders, Roberts used the remote location to bury a hoard of treasure, and has left a parchment map showing its where- abouts hidden under the stone floor of a local tavern.
However, they added that to deter treasure seekers, Roberts had placed a curse upon the hoard, promising that “any man who disturbed it would ne’er live to see the next Whitsuntide.”