Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
The Latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity
arse-ritis n. medic. Debilitating medical condition whereby one simply cannot be arsed to get up and do things.
bird’s nest soup n. The contents of lady’s drip tray; considered a savoury delicacy in some cultures.
brothelyser n. A post-lads’ weekend away nosh administered by a suspicious missus, whereby any failure to meet the required standard will lead to terrible consequences.
bumfucker hot adj. Measure of the spiciness of a foodstuff that subsequently occasions acute discomfort in the back body. ‘What relish would you like on your kebab Sir?’ ‘Bumfucker hot please, my good man.’ busted teabag euph. A chodbin containing hundreds of small fragments of shite swirling around after the last occupant has flushed with somewhat limited success. call the midwife 1. n. Title of a television drama series enjoyed by girls. 2. exclam. Adesperate plea yelled from the Rick Wit
ter by someone giving breach birth to Meat Loaf’s daughter. cappuchinos n. Apair of frothily besoiled casual slacks.
chud n. Asmall, uncomfortable, and embarrassing nub of poo in the undercrackers, caused by the cigar cutter slamming shut while trying belatedly to stop a follow through. contactless 1. adj. Modern method of paying with a credit card that has been, one would imagine, a boon for credit card thieves. 2. adj. A term used to
describe a top shagger who routinely gives the wrong phone number to his romantic conquests. ‘Don’t you worry all these birds you’re tupping are going to catch up with you, Callum?’ ‘No chance mate, I’ve gone contactless.’
cresta cunt n. Astate of extreme female arousal. From the 1970s fizzy drink slogan, viz. “It’s frothy, man.” cuntistry n. The art of being a cunt. ‘Say what you like about those Trump boys, you’ve got to admire their consummate cuntistry.’ curry fever n. medic. A particularly virulent form of dysentery brought on by the previous evening’s consumption of well seasoned viands of dubious provenance.
dehorn 1. v. agric. In farming, to remove the horns from livestock in order to make them into little trumpets. 2. v. To render flaccid.
doleslaw n. Unloved piles of shredded lettuce, cabbage, onion, cucumber and tomato, as found adorning polystyrene kebab boxes on bus stop benches throughout the country’s less salubrious locales. Donald Trump’s Twitter, a shitter like sim. rhet. Descriptive of an arse that is liable to make attentiongrabbing and highly obnoxious pronouncements at any time of day or night. ‘Pardon me, ambassador. I was out at the Rupali Restaurant, Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne last night and I’ve got a shitter like Donald Trump’s Twitter today.’ filth of Saruman is washing away, the phr. A remark that can be uttered out loud, or even thought to one’s self, as one pisses skid
marks off the the bum sink. A line uttered by the big tree man in Lord of the Rings.
flop flap sn. A frankly disappointing pair of la bias.
harrisment n. Being touched by a popular 1970s entertainer in an inappropriate manner.
Kim wrong-un n. prop. A man whose intercuntinental missile always seems to end up somewhere it shouldn’t really go. king of the mountings euph. A proper old school stickman who always gets his cabbage, whilst the other poor sods in the peloton get left behind. lair of the white worm 1. n. Title of a 1988 Ken Russell gothic horror film, so you know what to expect there. 2. n. A chap’s bedroom. lord of the fleas n. A gentleman of the road. Mitsubishi mud pie n. Dog
gers’ take on the popular chain restaurant dessert, involving anal in the back of an Evo. Mona Lisa smile 1. n. Title of a will.i.am song. 2. n. The inscrutably rapturous expression on the face of a nun who has recently cycled down a cobbled street. Like they do. muffled adj. Led by muff, shackled in the salmon handcuffs. Also cuntstruck. nan breads n. Bingo wings. Retired dinner ladies’arms. nightjar 1. n. Abird of the feathered variety. 2. n. Any convenient receptacle when taken short in the middle of the night. not worth the paper it’s written on phr. Said of A disappointingly small shit that is frankly a waste of bumwad.
party willy n. The special form of blunderbuss-style penis wielded by houseguests, that liberally distributes wazz on the seat and cistern, and also
the floor, wall, and occasionally the ceiling, of your smallest room. passing of King Joffrey, the phr. Over-exertion while attempting to evacuate a particularly grandiose, rotund and turgid feeshus. The resultant burst blood vessels in the eyes, veins popping out of the head and blood coming out of the nostrils bringing to mind nothing as much as the abovementioned Game of Thrones character’s face during his melodramatic death scene. piping out the haggis n. Severe, discordant flatulence caused by the consumption of Scotland’s finest offal-based comestible. piss family Robinson euph. An ebrious ménage of recreational drinkers whose booze-fuelled shenanigans help to keep the local constabularly in gainful employment.
platform twelve special 1. n. ITV pop show from the 1950s. 2. n. Cottaging slang for a public bog with generously appointed cubicles, as if designed for multiple occupants. From the delightfully spacious conveniences on the eponymous platform at Paddington station.
plopsy n. medic. Diarrhoea. Also the skits, splurry, faecal treacle, jungle jitters, arse piss, rusty water or hoop soup. ’Doctor: I’m afraid your husband is suffering from the plopsy, Madam. Mrs Jones: Oh my. Do you have anything to clear it up? Doctor: Here, try this mop.’ (Bamforth’s Seaside Chuckles postcard by Donald McGill, 1922). Polish surname, as long & hard as a sim. Descriptive of an impressive endowment in the trouser department. pull the plug v. To tentatively embark on the first sit down toilet adventure of the day following a night on the sauce; a solid dougie that is the inevi----
table precursor to half a dozen bouts of hot fizzy gravy.
RBS 1. abbrev. The Royal Bank of Scotland, a robust financial institution that managed to lose £5 billion last year, £340 million of which was paid out in staff bonuses. 2. abbrev. The digestive affliction one feels after downing two tins of Austria’s finest energy drink at 8.40am while hungover at one’s desk. Red Bull Shits.
salmon dust n. A light sprinkling of fishy residue that falls
from when a he courtingrubs them swain’s together. hands setting one’s affairs in order
euph. Paying the gas bill and unstacking the dishwasher before having a wank.
sex roses n. Romantic post-coital tissues left to harden into perfectly formed, albeit nontoo-fragrant, flower petals on the bedside table.
shoe pastry n. Dried dog egg adhering to the sole of one’s loafer. tandoori whispers n. The silent yet extremely potent guffs produced the morning after a night on the beer and Ruby Murray.
texan n. A difficult motion. One that, in the words of the 1970s advert for the chocolate bar of the same name, “takes time a’chewin’”. tinder miles n. An evaluation of the attractiveness of a prospective dating assignation, calculated according to how far one would be prepared to drive in order to have it off with them. ’She’s reasonably fit, I suppose, but in tinder miles she’s not really worth the petrol.’ torpedo in the water 1. ex
clam. nav. Warning shouted by a submarine sonar operator on hearing the splash of an air-dropped ordnance. 2.
exclam. Warning shouted by people dwelling in a cheap, thin-walled (name of building company removed following legal advice) house upon hearing the splash of a large Sir Douglas. trumpelstiltskin n. prop. Affectionate nickname for that short-arsed geezer in the pub who farts a lot. up with the cock 1. n. To rise from one’s slumber at an early hour. 2. n. To awake with a fearsome stalk in your pants. vadge of honour n. The completely natural and wildly unkempt minge of a proud feminist, worn with pride. ‘Yes, Germaine, we’ve all seen your vadge of honour. Now put it away, please. Time for our first question, which comes from Lionel Trubshaw, who is a librarian. Mr Trubshaw.’
virtuoso 1. n. A talented musician, eg. An oboe soloist capable of tackling Pasculli’s fiendishly difficult Le Api. 2. n. One whose cherry remains firmly intact, eg. See 1. wedding ring polish n. Alternative name for male seminal fluid.