with Jeff Whoda and Pete Thunkit BRUSSELS, BELGIUM
Bonkers EU barmycrats have really outdone themselves this week, by unveiling a continent-wide ban on The Velvet Underground & Nico’s iconic debut album... because the banana on the cover is not sufficiently straight. Jobsworth European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker has ordered the immediate destruction of all copies of the popular 1967 LP on account of its musatoid fruit art not meeting official EC guidelines, which state that any banana found in Europe must be “free from all malformation and abnormal curvature”.
Who’da Thunkit?! DAMASCUS, SYRIA
A shocking new video unearthed this week in the Syrian capital appears to show members of the socalled ‘Islamic State’ claiming responsibility for the 2004 comedy film Sex Lives of the Potato Men. The grainy footage features three masked, rifle-wielding extremists explaining how they funded, cast and produced the cheeky cinematic atrocity - which currently holds a ‘0% fresh’ rating on Rotten Tomatoes - in order to punish and humiliate the West for its sins. At the end of the video, one gunman warns: “If the capitalist pigdogs do not cease meddling in our affairs, we will not hesitate to do a sequel.”
LONDON, UK Who’da Thunkit?!
A honeymoon couple from Venice, Italy, got the shock of their lives last weekend, after the luxury AirBNB apartment they had rented turned out to be... Jay Kay from Jamiroquai’s hat! Newly-weds Leonardo and Simona Manchega thought they had booked an airy and spacious Shoreditch penthouse, only to arrive at the address they’d been given to find nothing more than an oversized felt head accessory with all feathers sticking out the top. “We instantly recognised it as the Space Cowboy’s iconic titfer”, chuckled Leonardo. “It certainly wasn’t the honeymoon we were expecting, but in the end we had a fab fortnight in the hat - and we’ve already booked it again for next year!”
Jeff ‘n’ Pete x More unbelievable global news next time, implausible worldwide current affairs fans!