WHO’DA THUNKIT?

VIZ - - News -

with Jeff Whoda and Pete Thunkit BRUS­SELS, BEL­GIUM

Bonkers EU barmy­crats have re­ally out­done them­selves this week, by un­veil­ing a con­ti­nent-wide ban on The Vel­vet Un­der­ground & Nico’s iconic de­but al­bum... be­cause the ba­nana on the cover is not suf­fi­ciently straight. Job­sworth Euro­pean Com­mis­sion Pres­i­dent Jean-Claude Juncker has or­dered the im­me­di­ate de­struc­tion of all copies of the pop­u­lar 1967 LP on ac­count of its musatoid fruit art not meet­ing of­fi­cial EC guide­lines, which state that any ba­nana found in Europe must be “free from all mal­for­ma­tion and ab­nor­mal cur­va­ture”.

Who’da Thunkit?! DA­M­AS­CUS, SYRIA

A shock­ing new video un­earthed this week in the Syr­ian cap­i­tal ap­pears to show mem­bers of the so­called ‘Is­lamic State’ claim­ing re­spon­si­bil­ity for the 2004 com­edy film Sex Lives of the Po­tato Men. The grainy footage fea­tures three masked, ri­fle-wield­ing ex­trem­ists ex­plain­ing how they funded, cast and pro­duced the cheeky cine­matic atroc­ity - which cur­rently holds a ‘0% fresh’ rat­ing on Rot­ten Toma­toes - in or­der to pun­ish and hu­mil­i­ate the West for its sins. At the end of the video, one gun­man warns: “If the cap­i­tal­ist pig­dogs do not cease med­dling in our af­fairs, we will not hes­i­tate to do a se­quel.”

LON­DON, UK Who’da Thunkit?!

A hon­ey­moon cou­ple from Venice, Italy, got the shock of their lives last week­end, af­ter the lux­ury AirBNB apart­ment they had rented turned out to be... Jay Kay from Jamiro­quai’s hat! Newly-weds Leonardo and Si­mona Manchega thought they had booked an airy and spa­cious Shored­itch pent­house, only to ar­rive at the ad­dress they’d been given to find noth­ing more than an over­sized felt head ac­ces­sory with all feath­ers stick­ing out the top. “We in­stantly recog­nised it as the Space Cow­boy’s iconic tit­fer”, chuck­led Leonardo. “It cer­tainly wasn’t the hon­ey­moon we were ex­pect­ing, but in the end we had a fab fort­night in the hat - and we’ve al­ready booked it again for next year!”

Who’da Thunkit?!

Jeff ‘n’ Pete x More un­be­liev­able global news next time, im­plau­si­ble world­wide cur­rent af­fairs fans!

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