SPORT

A WIDE VARIETY OF SPORTS will be greatly affected when they have to take place 50 fathoms underwater. Ball games such as football, rugby, beach volleyball and table tennis will simply cease to exist as the ball will simply bob to the surface, making play virtually impossible. In fact, the only two ball games that will survive are ten-pin bowling and the shot putt, where the balls used are heavier than water. In other sports, horse racing will be dominated by horses that prefer the going soft whilst every cricket match after 2020 will be abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch. Formula 1 races will have to take place using James Bond-style submarine cars. Running through water is a lot harder than running through air, so track athletes will have to up their game and take even stronger drugs than they already do if they want to set new world records. Golf, already the most arse-achingly boring spectator sport in the world, will become twice as dull as the density of water 300 feet down slows every drive, chip and putt down to a glacial crawl. During Wimbledon fortnight, the cheers of encouragement from Henman Hill will just come out as bubbles. Their crowd’s inane cries of “Come on Andy!” will only be heard by seagulls when they break the water’s surface many fathoms above.