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A WIDE VA­RI­ETY OF SPORTS will be greatly af­fected when they have to take place 50 fath­oms un­der­wa­ter. Ball games such as foot­ball, rugby, beach vol­ley­ball and ta­ble ten­nis will sim­ply cease to ex­ist as the ball will sim­ply bob to the sur­face, mak­ing play vir­tu­ally im­pos­si­ble. In fact, the only two ball games that will sur­vive are ten-pin bowl­ing and the shot putt, where the balls used are heav­ier than wa­ter. In other sports, horse rac­ing will be dom­i­nated by horses that pre­fer the go­ing soft whilst ev­ery cricket match af­ter 2020 will be aban­doned due to a wa­ter­logged pitch. For­mula 1 races will have to take place us­ing James Bond-style sub­ma­rine cars. Run­ning through wa­ter is a lot harder than run­ning through air, so track ath­letes will have to up their game and take even stronger drugs than they al­ready do if they want to set new world records. Golf, al­ready the most arse-achingly bor­ing spec­ta­tor sport in the world, will be­come twice as dull as the den­sity of wa­ter 300 feet down slows ev­ery drive, chip and putt down to a glacial crawl. Dur­ing Wim­ble­don fort­night, the cheers of en­cour­age­ment from Hen­man Hill will just come out as bub­bles. Their crowd’s inane cries of “Come on Andy!” will only be heard by seag­ulls when they break the wa­ter’s sur­face many fath­oms above.

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