CRIME

VIZ - - News -

THE ONE CLEAR BEN­E­FIT of Bri­tain be­ing fully sub­merged in wa­ter is that the crime rate will plum­met. Com­mon theft will ef­fec­tively dis­ap­pear, as it will be im­pos­si­ble to con­ceal stolen items in the skin-tight wet­suits all Bri­tons will be now be forced to wear 24-7. Gun and knife crime will es­sen­tially van­ish, too, as all blades will rust and bul­lets will travel too slowly un­der wa­ter to do any proper dam­age. That said, we may see a sharp in­crease in drive-by har­poon­ings in many in­ner city ar­eas as am­phibi­ous gangs vie to pro­tect their patch of seabed - what used to be known as “turf” but is now made of sea­weed. What’s more, by 2020, drugs will also be elim­i­nated from our streets, as junkies will find it nigh-on im­pos­si­ble to light their bongs and crack pipes or snort their eas­ily-dis­solved Class A pow­ders.

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