CRIME

THE ONE CLEAR BENEFIT of Britain being fully submerged in water is that the crime rate will plummet. Common theft will effectively disappear, as it will be impossible to conceal stolen items in the skin-tight wetsuits all Britons will be now be forced to wear 24-7. Gun and knife crime will essentially vanish, too, as all blades will rust and bullets will travel too slowly under water to do any proper damage. That said, we may see a sharp increase in drive-by harpoonings in many inner city areas as amphibious gangs vie to protect their patch of seabed - what used to be known as “turf” but is now made of seaweed. What’s more, by 2020, drugs will also be eliminated from our streets, as junkies will find it nigh-on impossible to light their bongs and crack pipes or snort their easily-dissolved Class A powders.