BLACKPOOL GEARS UP FOR TOTAL AQUATIC SUBMERGENCE
“Bring it on!” says Lord Mayor
ONE part of the UK that’s actively looking forward to being completely underwater by 2020 is the seaside town of Blackpool. The popular Lancashire resort is planning to keep the fun and games going - even 300ft below sea level. At a press conference in Blackpool Town Hall this morning, plucky Lord Mayor Eric Tonks had this message for the planet’s perilously high sea levels: “Great Britain might be poised for complete aquatic immersion due to climate change - but there’s one thing that WON’T change, and that’s the warm welcome holidaymakers will receive fifty fathoms down along the Golden Mile!” “Underwater Britain? Bring it on!”
The dangerously optimistic municipal leader went on to explain that he sees the UK’s impending marine submergence not as a drawback, but as an opportunity for the popular seaside resort. And he unveiled a ten-point plan to ensure Blackpool will be fit and ready for the unparalleled oceanic catastrophe that is just around the corner. The Mayor told reporters: “With their homes, cars and possessions destroyed by rising sea levels, Brits are going to be in desperate need of cheering up. And there’s no better place for that than Blackpool.”
Mr Tonks then set about outlining the various measures proposed in his plan, which include: All beachside municipal deckchairs to be properly weighted in order to stop them floating off in a tidal current. The famous illuminations to be made fully water-resistant by double-sealing all electrical connections with silicon calk and duct tape to prevent ingress and shorting. Amusement arcades to phase in fruit machines with wider buttons to accommodate humankind’s reduced dexterity after evolution of Creature From The Black Lagoon-style webbed hands. The flower clock on the esplanade to be re-planted using colourful corals, sea urchins and sponges in consultation with the Fylde Coast Marine Conservancy Unit at Lytham St Annes. Beach donkeys to be replaced by dolphins, porpii, manatees or dugongs for children aged 10 and above, with toddlers to be saddled up on seahorses, if they grow large enough. The Winter Gardens Aquarium to be drained and re-named “The Noquarium”, so that holidaymakers who don’t want to look at fish have something to visit. Kiss Me Quick hats for sale in gift shops to have a small hole punched in the top to let the air out, and to be equipped with an elasticated chinstrap to stop them floating off. Current bin collection to be re-scheduled to take account of tidal currents. Green (recyclable waste not including glass or tins) to be collected on Mondays, except following a Bank Holiday, when they’ll be collected the following Monday.
“We’ve never been afraid of anything here in Blackpool, so we’re certainly not going to let a bit of water spoil the fun now,” Tonks told journalists. “The planet’s sea levels might be rising fast, but here in Blackpool the fun levels are rising even faster.”