“Bring it on!” says Lord Mayor

VIZ - - News -

ONE part of the UK that’s ac­tively look­ing for­ward to be­ing com­pletely un­der­wa­ter by 2020 is the sea­side town of Black­pool. The pop­u­lar Lan­cashire re­sort is plan­ning to keep the fun and games go­ing - even 300ft below sea level. At a press con­fer­ence in Black­pool Town Hall this morn­ing, plucky Lord Mayor Eric Tonks had this mes­sage for the planet’s per­ilously high sea lev­els: “Great Bri­tain might be poised for com­plete aquatic im­mer­sion due to cli­mate change - but there’s one thing that WON’T change, and that’s the warm wel­come hol­i­day­mak­ers will re­ceive fifty fath­oms down along the Golden Mile!” “Un­der­wa­ter Bri­tain? Bring it on!”

The dan­ger­ously op­ti­mistic mu­nic­i­pal leader went on to ex­plain that he sees the UK’s im­pend­ing marine sub­mer­gence not as a draw­back, but as an op­por­tu­nity for the pop­u­lar sea­side re­sort. And he un­veiled a ten-point plan to en­sure Black­pool will be fit and ready for the un­par­al­leled oceanic catas­tro­phe that is just around the cor­ner. The Mayor told re­porters: “With their homes, cars and pos­ses­sions de­stroyed by ris­ing sea lev­els, Brits are go­ing to be in des­per­ate need of cheer­ing up. And there’s no bet­ter place for that than Black­pool.”

Mr Tonks then set about out­lin­ing the var­i­ous mea­sures pro­posed in his plan, which in­clude: All beach­side mu­nic­i­pal deckchairs to be prop­erly weighted in or­der to stop them float­ing off in a tidal cur­rent. The fa­mous il­lu­mi­na­tions to be made fully wa­ter-re­sis­tant by dou­ble-seal­ing all elec­tri­cal con­nec­tions with sil­i­con calk and duct tape to pre­vent ingress and short­ing. Amuse­ment ar­cades to phase in fruit ma­chines with wider but­tons to ac­com­mo­date hu­mankind’s re­duced dex­ter­ity af­ter evo­lu­tion of Crea­ture From The Black La­goon-style webbed hands. The flower clock on the es­planade to be re-planted us­ing colour­ful corals, sea urchins and sponges in con­sul­ta­tion with the Fylde Coast Marine Con­ser­vancy Unit at Lytham St Annes. Beach don­keys to be re­placed by dol­phins, por­pii, man­a­tees or dugongs for chil­dren aged 10 and above, with tod­dlers to be sad­dled up on sea­horses, if they grow large enough. The Win­ter Gar­dens Aquar­ium to be drained and re-named “The No­quar­ium”, so that hol­i­day­mak­ers who don’t want to look at fish have some­thing to visit. Kiss Me Quick hats for sale in gift shops to have a small hole punched in the top to let the air out, and to be equipped with an elas­ti­cated chin­strap to stop them float­ing off. Cur­rent bin col­lec­tion to be re-sched­uled to take ac­count of tidal cur­rents. Green (re­cy­clable waste not in­clud­ing glass or tins) to be col­lected on Mon­days, ex­cept fol­low­ing a Bank Hol­i­day, when they’ll be col­lected the fol­low­ing Mon­day.

“We’ve never been afraid of any­thing here in Black­pool, so we’re cer­tainly not go­ing to let a bit of wa­ter spoil the fun now,” Tonks told jour­nal­ists. “The planet’s sea lev­els might be ris­ing fast, but here in Black­pool the fun lev­els are ris­ing even faster.”

MAYOR: Op­ti­mistic.

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