HIGH AND DRY

THE top of Blackpool Tower will be the only British landmark remaining visible above the waves in 2020. According to Mayor Tonks, the top50feet of the iconiclowbrow seaside landmark will poke out of the water, providing visitors with a 360 degree panoramic vista of oceanic nothingness.

Councillor Tonks told reporters: “The top of the tower has been the highest point in Britain ever since it was built in 1894. On a clear day it is said you can see as far as the Norbreck Castle Hotel in Bispham.”

“Over the years, many millions of bored holidaymakers with nothing else to do have ridden the lift all the way to the top to take in the uninspiring view,” he continued.

“And that’s a tradition that will continue even after the waters have risen and turned the rest of Britain into a dystopian waterworld,” he continued. “At the moment, the ticket price to go to the top of the tower is £13.50, and that will almost certainly go up in 2020 due to the cost of fitting a piece of slip-grip to each of its 563 steps.”

“If you want to have a look at what’s going on on the surface, you’ll have no choice but to come to Blackpool and pay to go up our tower,” he added. “It’s a simple case of supply and demand.”

“We might put the ticket price up to as much as £100 or more,” added Councillor Tonks. “And if you don’t want to pay that much you can fuck off, because there’s plenty who will, believe you me.”