HIGH AND DRY

VIZ - - News -

THE top of Black­pool Tower will be the only Bri­tish land­mark re­main­ing vis­i­ble above the waves in 2020. Ac­cord­ing to Mayor Tonks, the top50feet of the icon­i­clow­brow sea­side land­mark will poke out of the wa­ter, pro­vid­ing visitors with a 360 de­gree panoramic vista of oceanic noth­ing­ness.

Coun­cil­lor Tonks told re­porters: “The top of the tower has been the high­est point in Bri­tain ever since it was built in 1894. On a clear day it is said you can see as far as the Nor­breck Cas­tle Ho­tel in Bis­pham.”

“Over the years, many mil­lions of bored hol­i­day­mak­ers with noth­ing else to do have rid­den the lift all the way to the top to take in the unin­spir­ing view,” he con­tin­ued.

“And that’s a tra­di­tion that will con­tinue even af­ter the wa­ters have risen and turned the rest of Bri­tain into a dystopian wa­ter­world,” he con­tin­ued. “At the mo­ment, the ticket price to go to the top of the tower is £13.50, and that will al­most cer­tainly go up in 2020 due to the cost of fit­ting a piece of slip-grip to each of its 563 steps.”

“If you want to have a look at what’s go­ing on on the sur­face, you’ll have no choice but to come to Black­pool and pay to go up our tower,” he added. “It’s a sim­ple case of sup­ply and de­mand.”

“We might put the ticket price up to as much as £100 or more,” added Coun­cil­lor Tonks. “And if you don’t want to pay that much you can fuck off, be­cause there’s plenty who will, be­lieve you me.”

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