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BONKING BRITS HAVE AL­WAYS LOVED a bit of how’s-your-fa­ther, but the nookie we know and love to­day will be al­most un­recog­nis­able in the wa­ter-filled bed­rooms of the fu­ture. Love-mak­ers will find tra­di­tional tech­niques such as the mis­sion­ary po­si­tion, doggy-style or re­verse cow­girl ex­tremely tricky be­neath the sea, as par­tic­i­pants will sim­ply float away if not prop­erly weighed down with heavy weights. But there’s no rea­son that th­ese heavy-weight ac­cou­trements - which will be es­sen­tial for suc­cess­ful rumpy-pumpy - can’t be sexy too. Un­der­wa­ter Ann Sum­mers stores will soon be stock­ing a whole range of lead-shot-filled sus­pender belts and kinky stiletto deep-sea diving boots to add a touch of spice to our fu­ture un­der­wa­ter love-lives. Un­der­wa­ter sex presents an­other prob­lem, how­ever: male shrink­age. Any­one who has ever swum in the icy wa­ters of the North Sea will tell you, a man’s man­hood shrinks to the size of an acorn af­ter just a few sec­onds’ im­mer­sion. To counter this, male per­for­mance en­hanc­ing prod­ucts such as Vi­a­gra, Cialis and Dr Robert Chartham’s Ring of Pu­bis will see their sales hit record lev­els.

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