SEX

BONKING BRITS HAVE ALWAYS LOVED a bit of how’s-your-father, but the nookie we know and love today will be almost unrecognisable in the water-filled bedrooms of the future. Love-makers will find traditional techniques such as the missionary position, doggy-style or reverse cowgirl extremely tricky beneath the sea, as participants will simply float away if not properly weighed down with heavy weights. But there’s no reason that these heavy-weight accoutrements - which will be essential for successful rumpy-pumpy - can’t be sexy too. Underwater Ann Summers stores will soon be stocking a whole range of lead-shot-filled suspender belts and kinky stiletto deep-sea diving boots to add a touch of spice to our future underwater love-lives. Underwater sex presents another problem, however: male shrinkage. Anyone who has ever swum in the icy waters of the North Sea will tell you, a man’s manhood shrinks to the size of an acorn after just a few seconds’ immersion. To counter this, male performance enhancing products such as Viagra, Cialis and Dr Robert Chartham’s Ring of Pubis will see their sales hit record levels.