THIS CHARM­ING MAN

Dra­matic ca­reer change for Mor­ris­sey

VIZ - - News -

MAN­CU­NIAN joy-sap­per MOR­RIS­SEY is set to give up pop star­dom to be­come a snake charmer. The melan­cholic for­mer Smiths front­man, whose hits in­clude Girl­friend in a Coma and Heaven Knows I’m Mis­er­able Now, an­nounced via Twit­ter that he had had enough of the mu­sic scene af­ter pur­chas­ing a king co­bra, wicker bas­ket and a reeded gourd pipe on a pop­u­lar in­ter­net auc­tion site. “The whole kit was Buy It Now on eBay for £45, so I just went for it,” the mo­rose war­bler, 58, said. “It ar­rived in the post a cou­ple of days later. As soon as I had un­wrapped it, I im­me­di­ately sat down cross-legged and had a try.” hiss

“I was in the recorder group at pri­mary school, so I al­ready knew how to play Go and Tell Aunt Nan

cy, but it turns out the fin­ger­ing’s a bit dif­fer­ent on a gourd pipe so it came out sound­ing all wob­bly and Per­sian,” Mor­ris­sey told Sky TV’s Adam Boul­ton. “Need­less to say, it failed to charm the snake, which stayed firmly in its wicker bas­ket.”

But ac­cord­ing to one Ox­ford sci­en­tist, the Boy with the Thorn

in his Side singer may have had a lucky es­cape. Pro­fes­sor Skull Mur­phy, head of Brasenose Col­lege’s Her­petol­ogy Depart­ment, says king co­bra snakes are not only ven­omous, they can also be un­pre­dictable and ag­gres­sive. “A bite from a snake could kill you in less than ten min­utes, pos­si­bly not even that, five min­utes,” told us. “They give the willies, them things.”

“Eurgh,” Pro­fes­sor Mur­phy added.

But Mor­ris­sey said he was not wor­ried about the risks of a co­bra attack. “For safety rea­sons, all poi­sonous snakes sent through the post have to have corks on their fangs to stop them bit­ing the post­man through the wrap­ping pa­per,” he told Boul­ton. “I haven’t taken the corks off my snake yet, and I won’t be do­ing so un­til I’m sure I can charm it prop­erly with­out get­ting stang off it.”

“Once I work out the proper fin­ger­ing for the charm­ing tune, it’ll be mes­merised and sort of sway­ing around in­stead of bit­ing me.” teeth

But the What Dif­fer­ence

Does it Make pop Eey­ore did ad­mit that he was hav­ing some trou­ble when it came to feed­ing his five foot ser­pent. “King co­bras eat small mam­mals, and as a life­long veg­e­tar­ian that is some­thing I sim­ply can­not and will not coun­te­nance,” he said. “Meat is mur­der, so I’ve been try­ing to tempt it with blocks of tofu and quorn carved into the shape of dead mice, but it’s just turn­ing its nose up at them.” “Al­though come to think of it, maybe it can’t eat them be­cause of the corks on its teeth,” he con­tin­ued. But whether or not his ca­reer as a snake charmer turns out to be a suc­cess, Mor­ris­sey was adamant that his mu­sic ca­reer was over. He told Boul­ton: “I’ve had enough of the mu­sic biz, and if this doesn’t work out I’ve seen a sec­ond hand bed of nails on Gumtree for thirty quid. Not only that, the swami who’s sell­ing it says he’ll de­liver it for the price of the petrol.”

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