THIS CHARMING MAN

Dramatic career change for Morrissey

MANCUNIAN joy-sapper MORRISSEY is set to give up pop stardom to become a snake charmer. The melancholic former Smiths frontman, whose hits include Girlfriend in a Coma and Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now, announced via Twitter that he had had enough of the music scene after purchasing a king cobra, wicker basket and a reeded gourd pipe on a popular internet auction site. “The whole kit was Buy It Now on eBay for £45, so I just went for it,” the morose warbler, 58, said. “It arrived in the post a couple of days later. As soon as I had unwrapped it, I immediately sat down cross-legged and had a try.” hiss

“I was in the recorder group at primary school, so I already knew how to play Go and Tell Aunt Nan

cy, but it turns out the fingering’s a bit different on a gourd pipe so it came out sounding all wobbly and Persian,” Morrissey told Sky TV’s Adam Boulton. “Needless to say, it failed to charm the snake, which stayed firmly in its wicker basket.”

But according to one Oxford scientist, the Boy with the Thorn

in his Side singer may have had a lucky escape. Professor Skull Murphy, head of Brasenose College’s Herpetology Department, says king cobra snakes are not only venomous, they can also be unpredictable and aggressive. “A bite from a snake could kill you in less than ten minutes, possibly not even that, five minutes,” told us. “They give the willies, them things.”

“Eurgh,” Professor Murphy added.

But Morrissey said he was not worried about the risks of a cobra attack. “For safety reasons, all poisonous snakes sent through the post have to have corks on their fangs to stop them biting the postman through the wrapping paper,” he told Boulton. “I haven’t taken the corks off my snake yet, and I won’t be doing so until I’m sure I can charm it properly without getting stang off it.”

“Once I work out the proper fingering for the charming tune, it’ll be mesmerised and sort of swaying around instead of biting me.” teeth

But the What Difference

Does it Make pop Eeyore did admit that he was having some trouble when it came to feeding his five foot serpent. “King cobras eat small mammals, and as a lifelong vegetarian that is something I simply cannot and will not countenance,” he said. “Meat is murder, so I’ve been trying to tempt it with blocks of tofu and quorn carved into the shape of dead mice, but it’s just turning its nose up at them.” “Although come to think of it, maybe it can’t eat them because of the corks on its teeth,” he continued. But whether or not his career as a snake charmer turns out to be a success, Morrissey was adamant that his music career was over. He told Boulton: “I’ve had enough of the music biz, and if this doesn’t work out I’ve seen a second hand bed of nails on Gumtree for thirty quid. Not only that, the swami who’s selling it says he’ll deliver it for the price of the petrol.”