UN RESOLUTION ON TOILET ROLLS DELAYED
Russian motion blocks lavatory ruling
AUNITED NATIONS draft resolution on the way toilet rolls should be placed on their holders has been left hanging in the balance after China and Russia used their Security Council membership to block the proposal and delay its final ratification.
The groundbreaking resolution would have seen bog rolls hanging in a standardised manner globally, using the American-European ‘over-the-top anticlockwise’ model. This less wasteful proposal has already been ratified in principal by most UN member states except for habitual abstainers North Korea, Venezuela and Wales.
The final vote was scheduled for 2 p.m. EST in New York last Thursday, but tension grew after the Soviet delegation declined to say what its exact position-on-toilet roll orientation was, saying it wanted more time to study the text of the resolution.
The vote was called off at the eleventh hour and the Security Council briefed the press, saying that it couldn’t clarify when or even if the proposal would be taken up.
After a two-hour reading of the draft proposals in the toilets on the seventh floor of the United Nations building, Russian ambassador Vasilly Nebenzia emerged zipping up his flies to tell the press outside that the text circulated by American diplomats had “no legal validity” and constituted a “flagrant violation of international law.” He also advised reporters to “give it ten minutes” before using the lavatory.
American, British and French delegates pressed for a further debate on the motion.
But after failing to delay the final vote on toilet roll hanger orientation until next month, Russia found itself backed into a corner, and took the only route left open to it by vetoing the proposal. China abstained in the crucial vote.
Many NATO bloc countries accused the superpowers of deliberate obstruction, with US ambassador Nikki Haley lambasting Russia, accusing the Kremlin of siding with those who seek to bring chaos to the world.
“Moscow has once again demonstrated it will do whatever it takes to ensure delay and disorder,” she argued. “This gives the signal to countries with extreme regimes that they can hang toilet paper whichever way they want to.”
However, the U.S. standpoint was immediately dismissed by ambassador Nebenzia as more American posturing. “We will not be cowed by the U.S. trying to impose its position on the rest of the world. We will hang our shit tickets whichever way we feel is best for the Soviet people,” he said.
Bog standard: United Nations plan to impose global toilet roll hanging orientation rule scuppered by Kremlin. No go: Ambassador Nebenzia, yesterday