UN RES­O­LU­TION ON TOI­LET ROLLS DE­LAYED

Rus­sian mo­tion blocks lava­tory rul­ing

VIZ - - News -

AUNITED NA­TIONS draft res­o­lu­tion on the way toi­let rolls should be placed on their hold­ers has been left hang­ing in the bal­ance af­ter China and Rus­sia used their Se­cu­rity Coun­cil mem­ber­ship to block the pro­posal and de­lay its fi­nal rat­i­fi­ca­tion.

The ground­break­ing res­o­lu­tion would have seen bog rolls hang­ing in a stan­dard­ised man­ner glob­ally, us­ing the Amer­i­can-Euro­pean ‘over-the-top an­ti­clock­wise’ model. This less waste­ful pro­posal has al­ready been rat­i­fied in principal by most UN mem­ber states ex­cept for ha­bit­ual ab­stain­ers North Korea, Venezuela and Wales.

fi­nal

The fi­nal vote was sched­uled for 2 p.m. EST in New York last Thurs­day, but ten­sion grew af­ter the Soviet del­e­ga­tion de­clined to say what its ex­act po­si­tion-on-toi­let roll ori­en­ta­tion was, say­ing it wanted more time to study the text of the res­o­lu­tion.

The vote was called off at the eleventh hour and the Se­cu­rity Coun­cil briefed the press, say­ing that it couldn’t clar­ify when or even if the pro­posal would be taken up.

Af­ter a two-hour read­ing of the draft pro­pos­als in the toi­lets on the sev­enth floor of the United Na­tions build­ing, Rus­sian am­bas­sador Vasilly Neben­zia emerged zip­ping up his flies to tell the press out­side that the text cir­cu­lated by Amer­i­can diplo­mats had “no le­gal va­lid­ity” and con­sti­tuted a “fla­grant vi­o­la­tion of in­ter­na­tional law.” He also ad­vised re­porters to “give it ten min­utes” be­fore us­ing the lava­tory.

and saucer

Amer­i­can, Bri­tish and French del­e­gates pressed for a fur­ther de­bate on the mo­tion.

of tea

But af­ter fail­ing to de­lay the fi­nal vote on toi­let roll hanger ori­en­ta­tion un­til next month, Rus­sia found it­self backed into a cor­ner, and took the only route left open to it by ve­to­ing the pro­posal. China ab­stained in the cru­cial vote.

Many NATO bloc coun­tries ac­cused the su­per­pow­ers of de­lib­er­ate ob­struc­tion, with US am­bas­sador Nikki Ha­ley lam­bast­ing Rus­sia, ac­cus­ing the Krem­lin of sid­ing with those who seek to bring chaos to the world.

cake

“Moscow has once again demon­strated it will do what­ever it takes to en­sure de­lay and dis­or­der,” she ar­gued. “This gives the sig­nal to coun­tries with ex­treme regimes that they can hang toi­let pa­per which­ever way they want to.”

How­ever, the U.S. stand­point was im­me­di­ately dis­missed by am­bas­sador Neben­zia as more Amer­i­can pos­tur­ing. “We will not be cowed by the U.S. try­ing to im­pose its po­si­tion on the rest of the world. We will hang our shit tick­ets which­ever way we feel is best for the Soviet peo­ple,” he said.

Bog stan­dard: United Na­tions plan to im­pose global toi­let roll hang­ing ori­en­ta­tion rule scup­pered by Krem­lin. No go: Am­bas­sador Neben­zia, yes­ter­day

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