LETTER BLOCKS

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ

IF YOU look at it from the animal’s perspective, it’s hard to see why David Attenborough is so revered. Imagine if you were having your dinner and some posh bloke let himself into the kitchen and started whispering about you. Or even worse, if you were having a shag and he walked in and started filming you at it. Alright, my mate Dave did do that, but I asked him to because we were doing something for Reader’s Wives, but that isn’t even the point anyway. Bartram Fibreboard, Hull

IF ANYONE knows Steve Pemberton, could they ask him whether or not he was on a flight from Heathrow to Edinburgh just before Christmas? Only there was a bloke in the check-in queue who looked very much like him, especially from the side. Not so much from the front, admittedly, but enough that it could still have been him at a pinch. Alice Thorn, Hexham

DON’T understand why so many people are obsessed with finding out who Jack the Ripper was. Even if they did discover his identity, he’d probably be really old now and not fit to stand trial, or even dead. Move on, I say. Hector Bland, Tooting

I HAVE to do a presentation at my office on ‘The Economic Advantages and Disadvantages of Hiring a Bloke to Kiss Some Girl’s

Arse in the Modern Workplace’. I have some basic facts and figures, but I’m struggling to find any pictures to supplement my PowerPoint. Can you help? Ray Flaps, Chesham You came to the right place, Mr Flaps

I ALWAYS think it’s funny that Wallace from Wallace and Gromit is bald and so is Greg Wallace from Masterchef. Coincidence? I think not. I’d be interested to know what other Viz readers reckon. Doris Portcullis, Salt Lake City

I NOTICED that when somebody has an electric shock in the old cartoons, they become a spiky silhouette and you can see their skeleton all flashing. Yet when I try prising the toast out with a fork, all I get is a massive, tingly, convulsive pain. There’s none of that glowing skeleton stuff. Hopefully when we get shook of these Barniers and Junckers and take our country back, we’ll see a welcome return of the Great British Electric Shock. Robert White, Sowerby Bridge

MY MATE has spent the last 12 months trying to convince me that ducks don’t float and when you see them sat on top of the water then they are really just stood up and have really long legs which extend out of their bodies but are hidden by the water. He also predicted Donald Trump would become president about 10 years ago so, to be honest, I’m half inclined to believe him. Tim Buktu, Timuktu

OLYMPIC high jumpers shouldn’t waste money on expensive drugs, they should just get a dog to sniff their nipsy just before they jump. I’m pretty sure there’s no rule about it and it certainly works. My dog sneaked into the bathroom and plunged her nose in for a good snort while I was drying my toes the other day and I nearly jumped through the fucking window. Piston Reeling, Ealing

WHEN I was about 7 years old I wanted to send a letter to Dennis the Menace and Gnasher at the Beano to tell them how I could never complete my homework because my pet dog would destroy it. But my sister said at the time that it was a pathetic and untrue story, so I never sent it in. Now, at the age of 50, I wonder if Viz could publish it or is it still rubbish? Simon, Brighton

Send it in, Simon. We’d be delighted to print something that wasn’t deemed funny enough for the Beano 43 years ago.

THE ARTIST who painted that picture of dogs playing snooker that you used to see in pubs years ago obviously didn’t give it much thought. Everyone knows dogs can only see in black and white. It would have been impossible for them to play as they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the colours, particularly the reds and the green. Or hold a cue. Steve Bond, Castleford.

THOUGHT would be fun to stick a recorder up my arse and play Blowin’ in the Wind on it. But the nurse in A&E didn’t see the funny side, and my daughter insisted I buy her a new recorder. Honestly, some people are so miserable. Dominic Twose, Leamington Spa

IF ANYONE wants to join me, I’m going to do ‘Sneeze-shit March’. It’s a bit like ‘Dry January’ but instead you have to go right the way through March without following through after sneezing. At the end of each day you must produce your under-crackers to a family member or other independent adjudicator for proof of no skidders. I’ve yet to decide which lucky charity is going to get the money raised. Tim Buktu, Timbuktu “I HAVE my books and my poetry to protect me,” sang Simon and Garfunkel on their song I Am a Rock. I’d like to see how far that got them on a Saturday night out in Derby. Dave Evans, Nottingham

IN ISSUE 272, Andrew Ward asked if anyone had had a more expensive shit in Europe than the quid he paid in Norway. Well, the one I took in a policeman’s hat in Amsterdam while off my tits on space cake cost me a lot more than that, I can tell you. And If he thinks a quid for a shit in Norway is expensive, wait until the pound crashes after Brexit. It’ll be cheaper to just shit your trousers and buy new ones when you get back to the UK. Steve Crouch, Peterborough THE BOOKIES near me wouldn’t take my bet that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s marriage wouldn’t go 5 years. They also refused me putting a double on the Queen Mother and that nazi Pope both kicking it after Easter a few years back, although admittedly I would have lost that one. Have the royals got something going on with the bookies, as well as with the dark tentacles of the Catholic Church? We live in a devious world, probably controlled by Masons or something. S Clubseven, No fixed abode

I NOTE that Christina Martin is writing to Letterbocks less and less these days and feel she may be a spent force. What is needed is someone with Christina’s quick wit and humour, who could rise to the challenge of producing several good letters per issue. I think an ideal replacement would be ex Leeds United front man Arthur Graham. If Christina is amenable, perhaps she could link up with Arthur and show him the ropes to ease him into the role gently. Gordon Bennett, Auckland

I’VE SPOKEN to at least three Americans who thought they were voting for Snooker’s 2011 China Open Champion Judd Trump rather than Donald Trump in the last US election. I wonder how many other ‘Yanks’ inadvertently voted for the wrong Trump. No doubt the present POTUS will merely dismiss this as ‘fake news’. To settle the matter, I think they should have a best of 9 frames competition at the Crucible this summer to decide who is the true President. Tim Buktu, Timbuktu

I SUPPOSE in the current climate we should expect that bloke who kissed that bird’s arse to resign from whatever it is he is now doing, as a result of his historical inappropriate behaviour. Perhaps only then will any other birds who got their arse kissed off of that bloke be able to come forward as part of the #MyArseToo campaign. Julian, email AFTER watching Match of the Day last night, I had the thought that people tend only to choose their favourite sports from the relatively small number that are popular in the nation they where they live, and in fact we delude ourselves into believing that our choice is based upon the empirical merits of ‘our sport’ over and above any others from different parts of the world. And after a bit more thought, I noticed this could also be said for religions, and food, and systems of government, and morals, and ethics and pretty much anything else that we like to think of as our own personal choice or we believe to be the truth. The logical extension of this thesis is that is that we are doomed to live and die by a narrow set of guidelines defined either actively or passively by our society, and that freedom and free will are nothing more than an illusion. Then I had a wank and fell asleep. Mike Tatham, St Andrews

THAT Kim Jong-Un may think he’s all that for developing a working nuclear weapons programme despite international pressure to stop, but I don’t think he’s so clever. Whenever he’s in the news he’s always wearing his coat indoors, so he clearly won’t feel the benefit when he goes out later. Jake, Stockport

I WAS not in the least pleased when I received a hefty fine from the police after making an illegal right turn along Newcastle’s Quayside, so I decided to get one over on them. Little do they know that prior to paying online, I slotted my debit card down the crack of my arse. Graham Flintoft, Gateshead IT HAS been alleged that playwright Noel Coward operated as a spy during World War II. I suppose if he’d been caught he would have been charged with thespianarge. Thank you, I’m here all week. Ross Lewis, Leamington Spa I WAS born in 1969. Two of those numbers are the same and another one is the same as those two, but inverted. Can anyone beat that? Nobby, Doncaster

Well, readers, Nobby has well and truly thrown down the gauntlet. Maybe you were born in a year where two of the digits are odd and the other two even. Perhaps three of the digits of your birth year add up to the other one. Or perhaps one of the digits cubed is equal to the square of the product of the others. Write in and let us know.

I UNDERSTAND that the Dutch are the tallest people on the world. Yet the Netherlands is almost completely flat with no mountains or even hills to peer over. This is a complete waste of height in my opinion, and typical of the profligacy of the European Union. Graham Degg, Ashtead

IF FUNERAL directors stopped crawling along and drove around at normal speed like everyone else, then they could easily fit in a few more funerals a day, thereby increasing their profits. I’ve worked that out and and I’m as thick as fuck. Gareth Lynch, Huddersfield IF YOU ask me, the Bayeux Tapestry is fake news. It’s not even a tapestry, for fuck’s sake. Pardon my French. Tim Tusling, Cottingham

I’VE ALWAYS thought I was quite sophisticated, so when I was invited to go on BBC’s

Mastermind, I was disappointed to find myself toying with such populist subjects as Tony Hancock, The Beatles or Coronation Street. In the end I decided to go with Tony Hancock as, although I like the Beatles’s music, I don’t know much about them and I’m not actually sure what Coronation Street is. On the day it seemed so unfair that all the other contestants got their questions asked in English. When it came to my turn, John Humphrys asked all my questions in Gaelic. I don’t even speak Gaelic, so I felt terribly disadvantaged at this and I got so angry that my left shoe fell off. Actually, thinking about it, I may have dreamt this. Mike Hatchard, St Leonards-on-Sea

WITH so many sanctimonious arseholes doing ‘Dry January’ these days and making sure everyone knows about it, surely New Year is the perfect time for pubs and supermarkets to launch ridiculously cheap booze offers. Not only will this reward loyal, all-yearround drinkers, but it’ll also give us something to throw back in the smug twats’ faces. Steve Crouch, Peterborough

I READ recently that Gwyneth Paltrow recommends pumping coffee up your arse to live for ever, or something. I don’t doubt the methodology, but I wish celebrities would enlighten us on topics other than health now and again, such as bricklaying. Dr. H.S.E. O’Hurlighy, Dublin

IT’S SAID that beef production contributes massively to global warming due to the methane emissions from cattle. Yet I’ve been a veggie for a week now and I haven’t stopped trumping. It appears we’re in a lose-lose situation. Mr P. Rant, Southsea

ONCE AGAIN, Nigel Farage’s name is missing from the New Year’s Honours list. Whilst nobody is casting aspersions on Her Majesty’s impeccable judgement, it must be galling for Mr Farage to realise the Queen thinks Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall are all less of a cunt than he is. Barry Atric-Surgery, Falmouth

THEY SAY it takes chewing gum 7 years to pass through the digestive tract, but how would anyone know? You’d have to check every shit for seven years, or perhaps you could use some sort of tiny tracking device. Either way, if this is what scientists are spending our taxpayers’ money on it’s no wonder we voted Brexit. Gordon Hovis, Southampton

I’VE JUST come up with a joke. Q: How do you make cheese in Wales? A: Very Caerphilly. I wonder if any readers can devise a crappier pressed-milk-curds related joke based around a town that is the name of a popular cheese. Dick Ballsac, Caerphilly WHY is it that all red-blooded men love watching steamy girlon-girl bongo films, yet their wives aren’t in the least interested in seeing two blokes at it like knives. Yet another example of there being one rule for them and another for the rest of us. Sir Rogie Bogan, email

I’VE just sent you a Top Tip about sending starving polar bears to Antarctica to feast on penguins. It’s so good you’re bound to print it and should also print this letter to guide readers to it. Particularly as Christina Martin can’t be arsed to write anything now. I had two in one issue once, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Pard, Bridgwater

We’re sorry, Mr Pard, but your Top Tip about sending polar bears to the Antarctic to feast on penguins failed to make the final cut.

OVER the past year I have eaten so many fried eggs that I have earned the nickname Terence “only eats fried eggs when he eats eggs” Coogan. However, I occasionally eat a boiled egg without anybody suspecting a thing. I mean, who would be daft enough to accuse me of eating a boiled egg with a nickname like that? Terence “only eats fried eggs when he eats eggs” Coogan, Madchester ROGER Federer won the 2017 Men’s Singles at Wimbledon, yet it turns out he’s married. If he had any shred of decency, he’d hand back the prize money immediately. Ed O’Meara, London

WHEN I was a boy we used to have a little terrier called Scamp. He was a right randy little fucker. His lipstick was out all the time and he was always trying to shag the neighbours’ dogs. One day we had posh relatives visiting and we were all sitting in the living room making small talk when Scamp came in and started rubbing his lipstick on the carpet right in the middle of the room. My dad, while trying to remain inconspicuous, tried to kick Scamp’s arse and slipped off the couch and did his back in. How we laughed. Do any other readers have any cute pet stories of their childhood? Gillboy, Glasgow know you don’t ordinarily publish lonely hearts letters, but I’m choking for a shag right now. Thank you. Peter Busby, Perth West Australia

THIS MORNING my dog farted halfway through licking his arsehole. He gave himself such a fright that he ran out of the room. I’d be interested to know if any of your readers have had a better start to the day than I have. Sam, Kendal I SAW a toilet paper company say they will plant three trees for every one cut down. That’s too much if you ask me. It’s political correctness gone mad. Daryll Buchanan, Glasgow TODAY on Classic FM I heard Bill Turnbull say that he’d be in Ann Marie Minhall’s slot over Christmas. A bit presumptuous, I thought, boastful even. Doug Mattaytersupp, Avon

WHY is it acceptable to bingewatch Game of Thrones, for instance, but when you do the same with continental pornography, you get all sorts of shitty looks? It’s double standards, pure and simple. Gavin Forknife, Wednesbury

BOTH Liam and Noel Gallagher have released a record in the last few months, and in my opinion they are both very good. Why don’t they get together and form a band? They are always bickering in the press, so it might help them to get on better together if they worked closely all the time. G McGrory, email I FOUND a great picture for Up-the-Arse Corner, but as there’s no way to submit it on your website, you can go fuck yourselves. Antwistle Goocher, Huddersfield

* Thank you Mr Goocher. There is no facility to upload pictures to our website. But if you send an email to letters@viz. co.uk, and click on that little thing at the top of your screen that looks like a paper clip, then click on the picture that you want to send, then press the send button, it should work. If it doesn’t, let us know and we’ll go fuck ourselves.