Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whit­ley Bay, NE26 9EQ

VIZ - - Letter Blocks -

IF YOU look at it from the an­i­mal’s per­spec­tive, it’s hard to see why David At­ten­bor­ough is so revered. Imag­ine if you were hav­ing your din­ner and some posh bloke let him­self into the kitchen and started whis­per­ing about you. Or even worse, if you were hav­ing a shag and he walked in and started film­ing you at it. Al­right, my mate Dave did do that, but I asked him to be­cause we were do­ing some­thing for Reader’s Wives, but that isn’t even the point any­way. Bar­tram Fi­bre­board, Hull

IF ANY­ONE knows Steve Pem­ber­ton, could they ask him whether or not he was on a flight from Heathrow to Ed­in­burgh just be­fore Christ­mas? Only there was a bloke in the check-in queue who looked very much like him, es­pe­cially from the side. Not so much from the front, ad­mit­tedly, but enough that it could still have been him at a pinch. Alice Thorn, Hex­ham

DON’T un­der­stand why so many peo­ple are ob­sessed with find­ing out who Jack the Rip­per was. Even if they did dis­cover his iden­tity, he’d prob­a­bly be re­ally old now and not fit to stand trial, or even dead. Move on, I say. Hec­tor Bland, Toot­ing

I HAVE to do a pre­sen­ta­tion at my of­fice on ‘The Eco­nomic Ad­van­tages and Dis­ad­van­tages of Hir­ing a Bloke to Kiss Some Girl’s

Arse in the Mod­ern Work­place’. I have some ba­sic facts and fig­ures, but I’m strug­gling to find any pic­tures to sup­ple­ment my Pow­erPoint. Can you help? Ray Flaps, Che­sham You came to the right place, Mr Flaps

I AL­WAYS think it’s funny that Wal­lace from Wal­lace and Gromit is bald and so is Greg Wal­lace from Masterchef. Coin­ci­dence? I think not. I’d be in­ter­ested to know what other Viz read­ers reckon. Doris Portcullis, Salt Lake City

I NO­TICED that when some­body has an elec­tric shock in the old car­toons, they be­come a spiky sil­hou­ette and you can see their skele­ton all flash­ing. Yet when I try pris­ing the toast out with a fork, all I get is a mas­sive, tingly, con­vul­sive pain. There’s none of that glow­ing skele­ton stuff. Hope­fully when we get shook of th­ese Barniers and Junck­ers and take our coun­try back, we’ll see a wel­come re­turn of the Great Bri­tish Elec­tric Shock. Robert White, Sowerby Bridge

MY MATE has spent the last 12 months try­ing to con­vince me that ducks don’t float and when you see them sat on top of the wa­ter then they are re­ally just stood up and have re­ally long legs which ex­tend out of their bod­ies but are hid­den by the wa­ter. He also pre­dicted Don­ald Trump would be­come pres­i­dent about 10 years ago so, to be hon­est, I’m half in­clined to be­lieve him. Tim Buktu, Timuktu

OLYMPIC high jumpers shouldn’t waste money on ex­pen­sive drugs, they should just get a dog to sniff their nipsy just be­fore they jump. I’m pretty sure there’s no rule about it and it cer­tainly works. My dog sneaked into the bath­room and plunged her nose in for a good snort while I was dry­ing my toes the other day and I nearly jumped through the fuck­ing win­dow. Pis­ton Reel­ing, Eal­ing

WHEN I was about 7 years old I wanted to send a let­ter to Den­nis the Men­ace and Gnasher at the Beano to tell them how I could never com­plete my home­work be­cause my pet dog would de­stroy it. But my sis­ter said at the time that it was a pa­thetic and un­true story, so I never sent it in. Now, at the age of 50, I won­der if Viz could pub­lish it or is it still rub­bish? Si­mon, Brighton

Send it in, Si­mon. We’d be de­lighted to print some­thing that wasn’t deemed funny enough for the Beano 43 years ago.

THE ARTIST who painted that pic­ture of dogs play­ing snooker that you used to see in pubs years ago ob­vi­ously didn’t give it much thought. Ev­ery­one knows dogs can only see in black and white. It would have been im­pos­si­ble for them to play as they wouldn’t be able to tell the dif­fer­ence be­tween the colours, par­tic­u­larly the reds and the green. Or hold a cue. Steve Bond, Castle­ford.

THOUGHT would be fun to stick a recorder up my arse and play Blowin’ in the Wind on it. But the nurse in A&E didn’t see the funny side, and my daugh­ter in­sisted I buy her a new recorder. Hon­estly, some peo­ple are so mis­er­able. Do­minic Twose, Leam­ing­ton Spa

IF ANY­ONE wants to join me, I’m go­ing to do ‘Sneeze-shit March’. It’s a bit like ‘Dry Jan­uary’ but in­stead you have to go right the way through March with­out fol­low­ing through af­ter sneez­ing. At the end of each day you must pro­duce your un­der-crack­ers to a fam­ily mem­ber or other in­de­pen­dent ad­ju­di­ca­tor for proof of no skid­ders. I’ve yet to de­cide which lucky char­ity is go­ing to get the money raised. Tim Buktu, Tim­buktu “I HAVE my books and my poetry to pro­tect me,” sang Si­mon and Gar­funkel on their song I Am a Rock. I’d like to see how far that got them on a Satur­day night out in Derby. Dave Evans, Not­ting­ham

IN IS­SUE 272, An­drew Ward asked if any­one had had a more ex­pen­sive shit in Europe than the quid he paid in Nor­way. Well, the one I took in a policeman’s hat in Am­s­ter­dam while off my tits on space cake cost me a lot more than that, I can tell you. And If he thinks a quid for a shit in Nor­way is ex­pen­sive, wait un­til the pound crashes af­ter Brexit. It’ll be cheaper to just shit your trousers and buy new ones when you get back to the UK. Steve Crouch, Peter­bor­ough THE BOOK­IES near me wouldn’t take my bet that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s mar­riage wouldn’t go 5 years. They also re­fused me putting a dou­ble on the Queen Mother and that nazi Pope both kick­ing it af­ter Easter a few years back, al­though ad­mit­tedly I would have lost that one. Have the roy­als got some­thing go­ing on with the book­ies, as well as with the dark ten­ta­cles of the Catholic Church? We live in a de­vi­ous world, prob­a­bly con­trolled by Ma­sons or some­thing. S Club­seven, No fixed abode

I NOTE that Christina Mar­tin is writ­ing to Let­ter­bocks less and less th­ese days and feel she may be a spent force. What is needed is some­one with Christina’s quick wit and hu­mour, who could rise to the chal­lenge of pro­duc­ing sev­eral good let­ters per is­sue. I think an ideal re­place­ment would be ex Leeds United front man Arthur Gra­ham. If Christina is amenable, per­haps she could link up with Arthur and show him the ropes to ease him into the role gen­tly. Gor­don Ben­nett, Auck­land

I’VE SPO­KEN to at least three Amer­i­cans who thought they were vot­ing for Snooker’s 2011 China Open Cham­pion Judd Trump rather than Don­ald Trump in the last US elec­tion. I won­der how many other ‘Yanks’ in­ad­ver­tently voted for the wrong Trump. No doubt the present POTUS will merely dis­miss this as ‘fake news’. To set­tle the mat­ter, I think they should have a best of 9 frames com­pe­ti­tion at the Cru­cible this sum­mer to de­cide who is the true Pres­i­dent. Tim Buktu, Tim­buktu

I SUP­POSE in the cur­rent cli­mate we should ex­pect that bloke who kissed that bird’s arse to re­sign from what­ever it is he is now do­ing, as a re­sult of his his­tor­i­cal in­ap­pro­pri­ate be­hav­iour. Per­haps only then will any other birds who got their arse kissed off of that bloke be able to come for­ward as part of the #MyArseToo cam­paign. Ju­lian, email AF­TER watch­ing Match of the Day last night, I had the thought that peo­ple tend only to choose their favourite sports from the rel­a­tively small num­ber that are pop­u­lar in the na­tion they where they live, and in fact we de­lude our­selves into be­liev­ing that our choice is based upon the em­pir­i­cal mer­its of ‘our sport’ over and above any oth­ers from dif­fer­ent parts of the world. And af­ter a bit more thought, I no­ticed this could also be said for re­li­gions, and food, and sys­tems of gov­ern­ment, and morals, and ethics and pretty much any­thing else that we like to think of as our own per­sonal choice or we be­lieve to be the truth. The log­i­cal ex­ten­sion of this the­sis is that is that we are doomed to live and die by a nar­row set of guide­lines de­fined ei­ther ac­tively or pas­sively by our so­ci­ety, and that free­dom and free will are noth­ing more than an il­lu­sion. Then I had a wank and fell asleep. Mike Tatham, St An­drews

THAT Kim Jong-Un may think he’s all that for de­vel­op­ing a work­ing nu­clear weapons pro­gramme de­spite in­ter­na­tional pres­sure to stop, but I don’t think he’s so clever. When­ever he’s in the news he’s al­ways wear­ing his coat in­doors, so he clearly won’t feel the ben­e­fit when he goes out later. Jake, Stock­port

I WAS not in the least pleased when I re­ceived a hefty fine from the po­lice af­ter mak­ing an il­le­gal right turn along New­cas­tle’s Quay­side, so I de­cided to get one over on them. Lit­tle do they know that prior to pay­ing on­line, I slot­ted my debit card down the crack of my arse. Gra­ham Flintoft, Gateshead IT HAS been al­leged that play­wright Noel Coward op­er­ated as a spy dur­ing World War II. I sup­pose if he’d been caught he would have been charged with thes­pi­a­narge. Thank you, I’m here all week. Ross Lewis, Leam­ing­ton Spa I WAS born in 1969. Two of those num­bers are the same and another one is the same as those two, but in­verted. Can any­one beat that? Nobby, Doncaster

Well, read­ers, Nobby has well and truly thrown down the gaunt­let. Maybe you were born in a year where two of the dig­its are odd and the other two even. Per­haps three of the dig­its of your birth year add up to the other one. Or per­haps one of the dig­its cubed is equal to the square of the prod­uct of the oth­ers. Write in and let us know.

I UN­DER­STAND that the Dutch are the tallest peo­ple on the world. Yet the Nether­lands is al­most com­pletely flat with no moun­tains or even hills to peer over. This is a com­plete waste of height in my opin­ion, and typ­i­cal of the profli­gacy of the Euro­pean Union. Gra­ham Degg, Ashtead

IF FU­NERAL di­rec­tors stopped crawl­ing along and drove around at nor­mal speed like ev­ery­one else, then they could eas­ily fit in a few more fu­ner­als a day, thereby in­creas­ing their prof­its. I’ve worked that out and and I’m as thick as fuck. Gareth Lynch, Hud­der­s­field IF YOU ask me, the Bayeux Tapestry is fake news. It’s not even a tapestry, for fuck’s sake. Par­don my French. Tim Tusling, Cot­ting­ham

I’VE AL­WAYS thought I was quite so­phis­ti­cated, so when I was in­vited to go on BBC’s

Mas­ter­mind, I was dis­ap­pointed to find my­self toy­ing with such pop­ulist sub­jects as Tony Han­cock, The Bea­tles or Corona­tion Street. In the end I de­cided to go with Tony Han­cock as, al­though I like the Bea­tles’s mu­sic, I don’t know much about them and I’m not ac­tu­ally sure what Corona­tion Street is. On the day it seemed so un­fair that all the other con­tes­tants got their ques­tions asked in English. When it came to my turn, John Humphrys asked all my ques­tions in Gaelic. I don’t even speak Gaelic, so I felt ter­ri­bly dis­ad­van­taged at this and I got so an­gry that my left shoe fell off. Ac­tu­ally, think­ing about it, I may have dreamt this. Mike Hatchard, St Leonards-on-Sea

WITH so many sanc­ti­mo­nious ar­se­holes do­ing ‘Dry Jan­uary’ th­ese days and mak­ing sure ev­ery­one knows about it, surely New Year is the per­fect time for pubs and su­per­mar­kets to launch ridicu­lously cheap booze of­fers. Not only will this re­ward loyal, all-year­round drinkers, but it’ll also give us some­thing to throw back in the smug twats’ faces. Steve Crouch, Peter­bor­ough

I READ re­cently that Gwyneth Pal­trow rec­om­mends pump­ing cof­fee up your arse to live for ever, or some­thing. I don’t doubt the method­ol­ogy, but I wish celebri­ties would en­lighten us on top­ics other than health now and again, such as brick­lay­ing. Dr. H.S.E. O’Hurlighy, Dublin

IT’S SAID that beef pro­duc­tion con­trib­utes mas­sively to global warm­ing due to the meth­ane emis­sions from cat­tle. Yet I’ve been a veg­gie for a week now and I haven’t stopped trump­ing. It ap­pears we’re in a lose-lose sit­u­a­tion. Mr P. Rant, South­sea

ONCE AGAIN, Nigel Farage’s name is miss­ing from the New Year’s Hon­ours list. Whilst no­body is cast­ing as­per­sions on Her Majesty’s im­pec­ca­ble judge­ment, it must be galling for Mr Farage to re­alise the Queen thinks Jimmy Sav­ile, Rolf Har­ris and Stu­art Hall are all less of a cunt than he is. Barry Atric-Surgery, Fal­mouth

THEY SAY it takes chew­ing gum 7 years to pass through the di­ges­tive tract, but how would any­one know? You’d have to check ev­ery shit for seven years, or per­haps you could use some sort of tiny track­ing de­vice. Ei­ther way, if this is what sci­en­tists are spend­ing our tax­pay­ers’ money on it’s no won­der we voted Brexit. Gor­don Ho­vis, Southamp­ton

I’VE JUST come up with a joke. Q: How do you make cheese in Wales? A: Very Caer­philly. I won­der if any read­ers can de­vise a crap­pier pressed-milk-curds re­lated joke based around a town that is the name of a pop­u­lar cheese. Dick Ball­sac, Caer­philly WHY is it that all red-blooded men love watch­ing steamy girlon-girl bongo films, yet their wives aren’t in the least in­ter­ested in see­ing two blokes at it like knives. Yet another ex­am­ple of there be­ing one rule for them and another for the rest of us. Sir Ro­gie Bo­gan, email

I’VE just sent you a Top Tip about send­ing starv­ing po­lar bears to Antarc­tica to feast on pen­guins. It’s so good you’re bound to print it and should also print this let­ter to guide read­ers to it. Par­tic­u­larly as Christina Mar­tin can’t be ar­sed to write any­thing now. I had two in one is­sue once, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Pard, Bridg­wa­ter

We’re sorry, Mr Pard, but your Top Tip about send­ing po­lar bears to the Antarc­tic to feast on pen­guins failed to make the fi­nal cut.

OVER the past year I have eaten so many fried eggs that I have earned the nick­name Ter­ence “only eats fried eggs when he eats eggs” Coogan. How­ever, I oc­ca­sion­ally eat a boiled egg with­out any­body sus­pect­ing a thing. I mean, who would be daft enough to ac­cuse me of eat­ing a boiled egg with a nick­name like that? Ter­ence “only eats fried eggs when he eats eggs” Coogan, Mad­ch­ester ROGER Fed­erer won the 2017 Men’s Sin­gles at Wim­ble­don, yet it turns out he’s mar­ried. If he had any shred of de­cency, he’d hand back the prize money im­me­di­ately. Ed O’Meara, Lon­don

WHEN I was a boy we used to have a lit­tle ter­rier called Scamp. He was a right randy lit­tle fucker. His lipstick was out all the time and he was al­ways try­ing to shag the neigh­bours’ dogs. One day we had posh rel­a­tives vis­it­ing and we were all sit­ting in the liv­ing room mak­ing small talk when Scamp came in and started rub­bing his lipstick on the car­pet right in the mid­dle of the room. My dad, while try­ing to re­main in­con­spic­u­ous, tried to kick Scamp’s arse and slipped off the couch and did his back in. How we laughed. Do any other read­ers have any cute pet sto­ries of their child­hood? Gill­boy, Glas­gow know you don’t or­di­nar­ily pub­lish lonely hearts let­ters, but I’m chok­ing for a shag right now. Thank you. Pe­ter Busby, Perth West Aus­tralia

THIS MORN­ING my dog farted half­way through lick­ing his ar­se­hole. He gave him­self such a fright that he ran out of the room. I’d be in­ter­ested to know if any of your read­ers have had a bet­ter start to the day than I have. Sam, Ken­dal I SAW a toi­let pa­per com­pany say they will plant three trees for ev­ery one cut down. That’s too much if you ask me. It’s po­lit­i­cal cor­rect­ness gone mad. Daryll Buchanan, Glas­gow TO­DAY on Clas­sic FM I heard Bill Turn­bull say that he’d be in Ann Marie Min­hall’s slot over Christ­mas. A bit pre­sump­tu­ous, I thought, boast­ful even. Doug Mat­tayter­supp, Avon

WHY is it ac­cept­able to binge­watch Game of Thrones, for in­stance, but when you do the same with con­ti­nen­tal pornog­ra­phy, you get all sorts of shitty looks? It’s dou­ble stan­dards, pure and sim­ple. Gavin Forknife, Wed­nes­bury

BOTH Liam and Noel Gal­lagher have re­leased a record in the last few months, and in my opin­ion they are both very good. Why don’t they get to­gether and form a band? They are al­ways bick­er­ing in the press, so it might help them to get on bet­ter to­gether if they worked closely all the time. G McGrory, email I FOUND a great pic­ture for Up-the-Arse Cor­ner, but as there’s no way to sub­mit it on your web­site, you can go fuck your­selves. An­twistle Goocher, Hud­der­s­field

* Thank you Mr Goocher. There is no fa­cil­ity to up­load pic­tures to our web­site. But if you send an email to let­ters@viz. co.uk, and click on that lit­tle thing at the top of your screen that looks like a pa­per clip, then click on the pic­ture that you want to send, then press the send but­ton, it should work. If it doesn’t, let us know and we’ll go fuck our­selves.

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