FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
Dear Justin,
I NIPPED out to buy a big box of Ferrero Rochers for my husband, Dennis for Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, when I returned home, I found that he had dropped dead of a heart attack. You can imagine my devastation, as I’m not keen on Ferrero Rochers as the nuts give me loose foulage, and I couldn’t take them back as I didn’t get a receipt. I was wondering, if I put them in Dennis’ coffin, will they make it through to the afterlife with him, or will they be confiscated during some kind of ethereal security check? Ada Callous, Doncaster
Justin says: “The chocolates will certainly make it through to the afterlife, Mrs Callous, but I’m afraid that your late husband won’t get the chance to enjoy them. If Dennis ends up in Heaven, he will have unlimited access to celestial foodstuffs such as milk and honey and Manna, not to mention Ambrosia. Next to these rarefied otherworldly comestibles, a terrestrial Ferrero Rocher would taste foul. Alternatively, if your husband has lead a sinful life and is bound for Hell, the chocolates will melt instantaneously for all eternity.”
Dear Justin,
ON FEBRUARY 14th last year, I spent half an hour praying to Saint Valentine for my wife to give me a blow job. However, when I floated the idea to her later that day, she simply laughed in my face as usual. I wonder if you could tell me where I went wrong as I am looking to give it another shot this year, with (hopefully) a little more success. Martin Deathbed, Ackling
Justin says: “As you can imagine, February 14th is Saint Valentine’s busiest day of the year - he receives upwards of 13 million prayers inside 24 hours, so you’ll understand if a few slip between the cracks. My advice this year would be to squeeze your palms together extra tightly when you’re praying. This is the prayer equivalent of the red exclamation mark on an email - it marks the prayer as ‘urgent’ and sends it straight to the top of the Saint’s request pile. However, it’s also worth mentioning that God is ultimately responsible for vetting every granted prayer, and He tends to take rather a dim view of blow jobs - even when performed by a spouse. With that in mind, you might be better off praying to a more sexually liberated deity, such as Bacchus or Satan.”