WHO’S THE BEST SWIFT?

JONATHAN

HERE IN 21st Century Britain, anti-establishment free-thinkers such as James O’Brien, Suzanne Moore and Jeremy Clarkson can crack their boundary-pushing barbs without fear of reprisal. But back in the 1700s, things were a little different. In fact, so shocking were satirist Jonathan’s frequent attacks on church and state that he was forced to avoid retaliation by penning them under a variety of noms de plume, including Lemuel Gulliver, Isaac Bickerstaff and MB Drapier. It’s a solid opening round for the Dublin-born polynomous coward.

IN HIS long and glittering career as an author, Jonathan Swift dabbled in everything from novels and poetry to essays and satire. And if that wasn’t enough, he even trained as a church Dean, delivering lengthy self-penned sermons to his congregation. However, after his death in 1745, the Anglo-Irishman’s output slowed considerably, and these days he is doing little more than festering sluggishly beneath the grounds of St Patrick’s Cathedral, Dublin. This decidedly non-varied career U-turn is reflected in his miserable scoreline here.

JONATHAN’S 1726 book Gulliver’s Travels remains the most widely read Irish work of literature on the planet, and he has been cited as an influence by figures as diverse as George Orwell, Edith Sitwell and John Ruskin. However, his decision to pass away nearly three centuries ago means the much-admired satirist has allowed himself far more time than his competing namesakes to accrue worldwide cultural impact - an unfair advantage that sees him drop a few much-needed points here.

TO CAPITALISE on the success of his allegorical novel Gulliver’s Travels, Swift released his signature fragrances, Lilliput Pour Homme and Brobdingnag Pour Femme. Unfortunately, sales suffered as rival author Daniel Defoe launched his own aftershave,

Eau de Crusoe, at the same time, and it proved much more popular. As a result, Swift’s scents swiftly ended up being heavily discounted and flogged off cheap in Everything’s a Farthing stores the length of the country, so it’s a poor scoring round for the Anglo-Irish satirist and political pamphleteer.

SWIFT died 250 years before the advent of major showbiz prizes such as Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys and Mobos, so the shelves in his County Meath vicarage trophy cabinet remained more or less bare throughout his life. Only the title ‘Doctor of Divinity’ bestowed upon him by Trinity College, Dublin in 1702 prevents this round from being a complete washout.

SATIRIST Jonathan’s hectic schedule of novel writing, political activism and making up different names for himself left him precious little time for feigning submissiveness in exchange for cash. We have absolutely no record whatsoever of him ever being financially rewarded for pretending to be under-the-thumb and as such, he ends this six-round scrimmage with a miserable final score.

TAYLOR

WHILE HER fellow pop icons such as Cliff Richard, P Diddy and Alvin Stardust make use of many different monickers, US hit-maker Taylor Swift chooses to record and perform under the name printed on her birth certificate. The Shake It Off singer may pick up a solitary consolation point for her non-Taylor Swift middle name (‘Alison’), but let’s see if she can shake off the disappointment of this piss-poor opening effort.

DESPITE starting out as a country and western singer, chart-topper Taylor soon diversified her output to include such varied musical genres as pop, rock and dance. In addition to that, she also has dipped her toes into acting, philanthropy, political activism and product endorsement. All things considered, then, the pulchritudinous polymath seems Taylor-made for this round.

WITH 26 million YouTube subscribers, 105 million Instagram followers and 175 million album sales, pop queen Taylor’s global reach is so large as to be almost incalculable. However, her decision to be born in 1989 means the You Belong With Me hit-maker has allowed herself far less time than her two competing namesakes to accrue worldwide cultural impact - a sloppy error that sees her drop a few much-needed points here.

IN OCTOBER 2011, Taylor she took time out from her busy recording schedule to launch Wonderstruck, a signature scent with top notes of raspberry, freesia and blackberry, middle notes of honeysuckle, hibiscus and vanilla and base notes of peach, amber, sandalwood and musk. Less than two months later, she released Enchanted, a brand new signature scent with top notes of raspberry, freesia and blackberry, middle notes of honeysuckle, hibiscus and vanilla and base notes of peach, amber, sandalwood and musk.

IN HER relatively short career to date, Taylor Swift has been the proud recipient of countless Grammys, Emmys, Billboard Music Awards, gold and platinum discs and a Brit. In fact, she has been showered with so many honours that her mantelpiece has to be replaced every year with a longer one to accommodate her latest prizes. It is already 48 feet long and sticks out three feet into the garden at each end of her lounge.

WITH HER reputation for strong opinions, confrontational lyrics and sassy, in-yourface dance routines, Taylor Swift is clearly anything but hen-pecked. The Look What You

Made Me Do siren’s high-profile spats with megastars like Kanye West and Katy Perry prove that she is neither willing nor able to behave in a cowed or intimidated manner - for financial gain or otherwise. Sadly though, while this undoubtedly makes her a strong role model for women everywhere, it also makes her a decidedly weak contender in this final round.

CLIVE

DURING his five-decade career on stage and screen, Liverpoolborn Clive has assumed literally hundreds of different names. His most famous pseudonym is, of course, ‘Richard Bucket’, but a quick scan of his Wikipedia page unearths countless others, from ‘Norman Shorthose’ in Peak Practice to ‘First Rioter’ in a 1969 production of The Canterbury Tales. It’s an absolutely stonking opening round for the Wirral-reared nondescript thespian.

ON STAGE and screen, there seems to be nothing Scouse star Clive can’t turn his hand to. As well as portraying weakwilled, spineless characters such as Richard Bucket, Clive has also brought to life fearsome Alpha males such as King George II and Dr Bartlett in Inspector Morse. What’s more, his 2007 UK music tour - Richard Bucket Overflows: An Evening With Clive Swift - saw him add both singing and songwriting to his already-admirable arsenal.

CLIVE’S long-suffering Keeping Up Appearances character Richard Bucket is what’s known in the TV trade as an ‘everyman’ - ie. a creation that quite literally EVERY MAN can relate to. When we take into account that approximately half the world’s population are men, we can conclusively determine that Clive has impacted culturally upon a whopping 3.8 BILLION human beings across the globe - and that’s without mentioning the millions of new men that continue to be born every day. It’s a strong round for the internationally impactful sitcom favourite.

CLIVE is one of the few A-listers who has resisted the temptation to cash in on his international success and make millions by releasing a signature fragrance.But he recently refused to rule out the possibility of doing so in the future. “If I do ever go into the parfumery business, I’d probably call my scent Bucket - pronounced ‘Bouquet’ of course - and it would smell of Hyacinths,” he told E! Online anchor Maria Menounos during an interview to publicise his appearance as neighbourhood watch organiser Felix Hope in an episode of Midsomer Murders.

WHILST his acting peers have been showered with CBEs, OBEs, knighthoods and even peerages, Clive has consistently failed to feature in the Queen’s New Year and Birthday Honours lists throughout his nearly six decade career. He has sat disconsolately on the sidelines and watched as the likes of Sir Donald Sinden, Dame Judi Dench and even his on-screen missus Dame Patricia Routledge, have swanned into Buckingham Palace to be granted their royal patronage for services to the theatre. It’s a depressing and rather tragic round for the journeyman thesp.

WHETHER he was being reprimanded for forgetting his wedding anniversary, or nagged about his shabby dress sense, long-suffering Richard Bucket was nothing if not hen-pecked by his comically aspirational spouse Hyacinth. And whilst the BBC are notoriously secretive about wages, we can safely assume that Clive Swift did receive some sort of financial compensation for portraying the Keeping

Up Appearences character. All of which puts the faux-pussy-whipped Scouser at the very top of the hen-pecking order in this final round.