Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

The Latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

alcorithms n. Little understood process by which pints of beer mysteriously affect the male metabolism. ‘Sorry I didn’t get home last night, my darling, but me alcorithms was on the blink.’

alehouse cock n. medic. Brewer’s droop, a tragic affliction which makes the erotic act of congress feel like stuffing a marshmallow in a piggy bank. all-seeing eye, the n. As featured on American dollar bills, a triangular symbol of divine providence or the shape-shifting Illuminati lizards of the New World Order. ‘I was hoping for a shot on the missus’s all-seeing eye for me birthday, but it turns out I’m in the dog house again.’

arse scratcher n. A treacle tart so powerfully emitted and mysteriously abrasive that it soothingly abrades one’s itchy nipsy on the way past. Also Roy Castle’s kettle. bone up 1. v. To revise prior to an important school or college exam for which one has not done nearly enough work. 2. v. To furiously rub your penis until it achieves a turgid state of tumescence, also prior to an important school or college exam for which one has not done nearly enough work. Boris bridge 1. n. Scheme to build a fixed road link between Britain and France, a crackpot suggestion put forward by Honey Monster-style slapstick Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson. 2. n. The barse, notcher, twernt, tintis. boxing day turd, denser than a sim. Said of a fuckwit who is as thick as a bull’s dick. breastbone 1. n. The sternum. 2. v. To sail your skin boat up the Bristol Channel. carbonara excuse, the phr. Tried and trusted pisspoor palliation proffered to a husband/wife/the lady at the launderette, eg. “It was a very sloppy pasta sauce”, when handing over a dress/ shirt/hat that has quite clearly been spunked up on.

carpetbagger 1. n. US. In the

Reconstruction period (1863 - 1877) that followed the American Civil War, a northern migrant to the defeated south. 2. n. A tea

bagger blessed with a pair of very large, very hirsute clockweights. Carry On conundrum, the n. Specifically, when confronted by a woman with luxuriant undergrowth, does one prefer Up The Jungle or

Up The Khyber? Also known as the Sherlock Holmes Two Pipe Problem. caustic wit n. rhym. slang. A shit. ‘Born on this day: Evel Knievel, motorcycle stunt rider, 1938; Peter Stringfellow, fanny magnate, 1940; Toby Young, caustic wit, 1963.’ clapping sea lion n. The sound that a woman’s jugs make when they slap against each other during vigorous physical activity, eg. Cutting through a cast iron drainpipe with a hack saw, playing the congas, clubbing a seal, spanking a POTUS with a rolled-up copy of Forbes magazine. clitney shears n. Intimate feminine shaving apparatus. The ambassador’s hedgeclippers.

clungie n. A lady’s nether regional self portrait. ‘I’ve got this bird on social media, and I think I’m in love with her. We haven’t actually met yet, but she has sent me a clungie.’

cocktopus n. In a grumble video clip, the slimy, colourchanging face at the centre of eight, pulsing, tentaclelike appendages. A plasterer’s radio or cock mess monster who looks like Jackson Pollock’s shoes.

crafty Damien n. An opportunistic wank at work. Derivation unknown. crimbo crawler exclam. A postman, binman, milkman

etc., who acts like a miserable bastard all year round, but suddenly starts being nice just before Christmas in the hope of getting a tip. cross sector expertise euph. Bisexuality.

cuntext n. The manner that a swear word is used, which determines the degree to which the recipient should take offence. ‘Is it ever ok to call your mum a cunt?’ ‘It depends on the cuntext, Prime Minister.’ cupboard love 1. n. A reference to an animal, usually a cat, who shows you affection only because you feed it. 2. n. Said of someone who is irrisistably attracted to biscuits. ‘That Gemma Collins is a big girl, isn’t she Dave?’ ‘Yes mate. I’m afraid she has a case of cupboard love.’ Darwen fortnight, wetter than a sim. A state of extreme female arousal. A proper slop on. Named in honour of the small Lancashire town that is renowned for its annual midJuly holiday period being a complete fucking wash out. Also wetter than Lee Evans’s suit, wetter than a turfer’s knee, wetter than Whitney Houston’s last joint or wetter than a window cleaner’s cuff. dick on a stick 1. n. A really bad barbecue offering. ‘How’s your marinated lamb kebab, vicar?’ ‘It’s a dick on a stick, Mrs Antrobus.’ 2. n. Someone who just cut you up in the car. dream cream n. ‘What’s this all over your jimjams, Terry?’ ‘That’s just dream cream, June.’ drop a dress size n. To produce foulage of such mag- nitude that one is instantly slimmer. executive time 1. n. Daily intervals included in Donald Trump’s official White House timetable, during which he conducts important presidential business. 2. n. When working from

home, carefully scheduled telly watching, naps and wanks. ‘Sorry I didn’t get to the phone there. I was just having a bit of executive time.’ GOFPU/gofpu abbrev. A Good Old Fashioned Piss Up. greyer than Waitrose on a Tuesday morning sim. Descriptive of the preferred hair and clothing colours of the clientelle to be found in Britain’s most exclusively priced supermarket. ‘I pulled this right sexy milf last night, but when I went down on her, her muff was greyer than Waitrose on Tuesday morning.’ in trouble on Mumsnet euph. When a fellow’s spouse offers up his sub-optimal conduct to a group of women who gather on the popular online parenting forum for them to deliver harsh judgement and comment.

jazz cannon n. A man’s mutton musket which, when ig

nited by art pamphlets, becomes the one o’clock gun. Kirkcaldy kiss n. Wrinkled spot on a brand new roll of lavatory tissue, caused by some dirty bastard wicking their dicky drops on it.

ladyturd n. The pervading miasma of perfume and deodrant after the missus has just laid a cable in the bathroom. Also known as a Burberry shit bomb. Lemmy’s wart n. A particularly recalcitrant and unresponsive clematis. line dancing n. Vigorous knees-up or other Terpsichorean display fuelled by a toot of Keith Richards’ dandruff. logectomy n. medic. Compound word derived from the Latin log (copper bolt) and ectomy (drop). ‘I’m pleased to tell you that this morning’s logectomy was a complete success.’ milky way, the n. A titwank. motorway miles phr. Said about a woman of a certain vintage who has, nevertheless, retained some of her original showroom pizazz and sparkle. ‘Fair enough, she’s been round the clock a few times, but they’re all motorway miles.’ Norris n. rhym. slang. A woman able to produce copious jets of liquid at the point of organism. From late right wing Record Breakers weirdo Norris Mcwhirter = squirter. ‘I had a proper sexy night with Janice from Accounts. Turns out she’s a Norris. By the way, can I borrow your Vax?’ on the latch adj. Of a woman’s bodily treasure, constantly pre-warmed, thus allowing for the ease of entry to be seen in most stick flicks. ‘She’d been watching Monty Don all evening, so she was already on the latch.’ peckerino n. Ital. Knob

cheese. Something you wouldn’t necessarily want on your pizza, all things considered, but Giles Coren prob-

ably gets quite a bit of it on his. Also palmesan, hedam, fromunder, foreskinzola, Fred Leicester.

pisstrinos n. Phys. Those little bubbles of wazz that shoot off at near light speed along of the surface of the liquid when you pee into a stainless steel trough urinal. Reese Wetherspoons n. prop. Ablonde with a sticky carpet. Rip Van Tinkle n. prop. An inveterate bed wetter; one who swamps. sea toad 1. n. A family of deep sea angler fishes known as the chaunacidae. 2. n. An amphibious Thora which crouches in the toilet bowl and is resistant to flushing. shitosomatic adj. psych. When you think you need a poo but it turns out you don’t.

shittish gas n. The early warning bottom burp that heralds the passing of a massive, foetid Peter O’Toole. Also duck dastardly, fart buffer, turtle’s breath. sitting on a brown snake n. Having to stay seated so you don’t let the bowl constrictor escape. skid pan n. A bum sink that looks like the starting line at Brands Hatch, eg. One out of a student house. smuggling Smarties euph. Of a lady, having her fighter pilot’s thumbs visibly erectivated under her blouse. sologamy 1. n. Absurd new trend of marrying oneself in an attention-seeking ceremony costing several grand. 2. n. Long-lasting commitment to a life of monastic onanism, perhaps celebrated with a quiet pot noodle and some sobbing. south hams 1. n. A district in Devon containing the towns of Totnes, Salcombe, and Dartmouth. 2. n. A lengthy and protruding set of gammon flaps. supermarket swipe n. Game played by local scrotes competing against security guards to secure five finger discounts on easily resaleable items such as steak, multiblade razors and spirits. swamp v. To comprehensively piss the bed. thank-you for the opportunity, Lord Sugar exclam. Yet another thing to say in the wake of a loud trouser cough. See also if that’s not out I’m not playing; can I quote you on that?; thanks for that, now can you please throw something?; is that Ziggy?; a bit more choke and she would have started; a confident appeal by the Australians there; an excellent theory, Dr Watson; anybody injured? and you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. trapper’s delight euph. When washing one’s hands in a public lavatory, the schadenfroh pleasure felt as an unfortunate victim enters the trap where one has just sent a spectacularly pungent shit to the beach. twaturated adj. Saturated with twats. ‘This place is twaturated. Let’s knock these back quick and go to the Black Bull.’ vajanuary n. Yearly pledge, rarely kept up for the full thirty-one days, to eat nothing but hairy pie for a month.

Viking funeral n. The morning after a night on the vindaloo, when your first visit to the Rick Witter feels like you are launching a burning longboat out of your gazoo. Up helly arse. whale hunt n. A 3am trawl round the bar/nightclub/ Greggs in search of a tasty piece of blubber. wide-mouthed frog 1. phr. Subject of an old joke. 2. euph. The act, while in polite company, of spreading one’s buttock cheeks apart with both hands in order that a high pressure build-up of flatus be released discreetly. woodworker n. A person engaged in the trade of working with wood. A rub and tugstress, tom or dicksmith.