VIZ - - The Broon Windsors -

Katie Price, Poly­mathic ex-tit model I think it’s like a mag­i­cal world all cov­ered in like Swarovski crys­tals and that and there’s this princess what lives there in a cas­tle made of Swarovski crys­tals only she’s re­ally sad be­cause there isn’t not no light there be­cause it’s on the dark side of the moon and ev­ery­think so while she’s the rich­est princess in the world be­cause she’s got all them Swarovski crys­tals she’s al­ways like re­ally sad. David At­ten­bor­ough, Na­tur­ist I have spent my en­tire ca­reer study­ing all the di­verse forms of life on earth, and if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that life can flour­ish in even the most in­hos­pitable en­vi­ron­ments. At the bot­tom of the deep­est ocean, at the top of the high­est moun­tain, in the per­mafrost of the Arctic and in the bow­els of the hottest volcano, life thrives. And there is no rea­son to imag­ine that the dark side of the moon is any dif­fer­ent. If we ever ven­tured there, per­haps we would see di­nosaur­size rep­tiles with three eyes, gi­ant sil­ver crabs walk­ing up­right on two legs, or maybe mon­keys, os­ten­si­bly sim­i­lar to those on earth, but with ten cocks. And the fe­males would have about twenty fan­nies.

Gregg Wal­lace, Fighty green­gro­cer

I think that if you ven­tured to the dark side of the Moon, you might find a world that ap­peared at first sight to be a Utopia. It would look a bit like An­cient Greece, with mar­ble foun­tains, all big bowls of suc­cu­lent fruit ev­ery­where, and all the peo­ple wear­ing to­gas and play­ing harps. It would only be af­ter a few days liv­ing there that it would sud­denly dawn on you that there were no old peo­ple and it was ac­tu­ally an au­thor­i­tar­ian Dystopia where once you get to the age of 30 you get sent for “re­cy­cling”. There may be a small band of rene­gades who have man­aged to es­cape and are now liv­ing in the drains, but be­cause it’s on the dark side of the Moon, I guess we’ll never know.

Mark Car­ney, Gov­er­nor of the Bank of Eng­land

As a full-time econ­o­mist, Gov­er­nor of the Bank of Eng­land and Chair­man of the G20 Fi­nan­cial Sta­bil­ity Board, I get very lit­tle time to ex­er­cise my imag­i­na­tive fac­ulty. As a con­se­quence, I en­vis­age the Dark Side of the Moon to be very sim­i­lar, if not iden­ti­cal, to the side that we see, that is to say, grey, bereft of in­ter­est, and pock­marked with craters from var­i­ous me­te­oric im­pacts that have oc­curred dur­ing the last 4.51 bil­lion years. Now, if you’ll ex­cuse me, I have to go and turn the Ex­change Rate Mech­a­nism up by a quar­ter of one per­cent.

Dappy, Out of N-Dubz

Af­ter the end of the film Alien vs Preda­tor, I think the two species made a truce and de­cided to take over the earth to­gether, pool­ing their re­sources. And what bet­ter place for them to set up their base than on the Dark Side of the Moon where we can’t see them. They can see us, of course, be­cause they’ve got a big periscope pok­ing over the top.

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