6. THE DOC

HARRY HILL THERE’S

one member of every criminal gang that every member hopes will never be needed: The Doc. Any armed blag carries with it the possibility that things will go wrong, badly wrong, and a blagger bleeding heavily from a shotgun wound is a liability. A disgraced medical man who is sympathetic to the criminal cause and won’t go squealing to the police is essential. And the A-Lister who fits that prescription on this blag is ‘you like the lining’ comic HARRY HILL.

“As a former A&E consultant, Harry, or ‘Doctor H’ as we’d call him, would be on call to patch up any gang members who took a slug to the bread basket and were losing a lot of claret. Hospitals ask too many questions, so a tame sawbones like Hill would be an invaluable asset.

Following the failure of his 2014 West End musical project I Can’t Sing! The X Factor Musical, which lost £4million over the course of its 6-week run, Hill has probably found himself living in reduced circumstances, possibly in a seedy bedsit above a chip shop. The injured robber would be man-handled up the stairs to the flat, where the drunken, unshaven Hill would be woken up with a cup of water thrown in his face and a few slaps. After performing a rudimentary patchup job on the gaping shotgun wound with his shaking hands, the TV Burp funnyman would be rewarded with £50 and a small bottle of whisky.