5. THE MUS­CLE

VIZ - - Starry, Starry Heist! -

THE KRANKIES

ONCE the safe has been cracked, the team’s hired mus­cle must spring into ac­tion, load­ing the cash into sports bags and lug­ging it out­side to the wait­ing get­away car. In most reg­u­lar heists, this job is done by a pair of shaven-headed, mus­cle-bound goons: the kind of prison-hard thugs whose bla­tantly felo­nious ap­pear­ance rep­re­sents an in­stant red flag for any pass­ing police. That’s why, for our the­o­ret­i­cal A-List heist, Terry has cho­sen to put the call in to two far less sus­pi­cious- look­ing char­ac­ters - 1970s Scotch com­edy duo THE KRANKIES.

“As a 4’5” sep­tu­a­ge­nar­ian woman, Wee Jimmy Krankie is a far cry from your typ­i­cal bank heist ‘mus­cle’. But that’s pre­cisely what makes the gen­der-bend­ing school- boy so per­fect for this gig. If dis­as­ter strikes, and the filth rock up mid-heist to see Wee Jimmy and his hus­band/ fa­ther Ian load­ing Adi­das hold-alls into the boot of the car, they would sim­ply as­sume the pair were a dad-’n’-son duo en route to a school sports day.

A cheeky wink and dou­ble thumb­sup from Wee Jeanette would be enough to al­lay any sus­pi­cion the dim-wit­ted plod might have that any­thing il­licit was afoot. How­ever, if they in­sisted on check­ing in­side the bags, Ian would have taken the pre­cau­tion of hid­ing a sturdy leather cosh un­der his son/wife’s school cap, and could ad­min­is­ter­ing a ‘fand­abidozi’ beat­ing, be­fore stash­ing the un­con­scious bob­bies in the boot, where they would later be chopped up and fed to pigs.”

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