5. THE MUSCLE

THE KRANKIES

ONCE the safe has been cracked, the team’s hired muscle must spring into action, loading the cash into sports bags and lugging it outside to the waiting getaway car. In most regular heists, this job is done by a pair of shaven-headed, muscle-bound goons: the kind of prison-hard thugs whose blatantly felonious appearance represents an instant red flag for any passing police. That’s why, for our theoretical A-List heist, Terry has chosen to put the call in to two far less suspicious- looking characters - 1970s Scotch comedy duo THE KRANKIES.

“As a 4’5” septuagenarian woman, Wee Jimmy Krankie is a far cry from your typical bank heist ‘muscle’. But that’s precisely what makes the gender-bending school- boy so perfect for this gig. If disaster strikes, and the filth rock up mid-heist to see Wee Jimmy and his husband/ father Ian loading Adidas hold-alls into the boot of the car, they would simply assume the pair were a dad-’n’-son duo en route to a school sports day.

A cheeky wink and double thumbsup from Wee Jeanette would be enough to allay any suspicion the dim-witted plod might have that anything illicit was afoot. However, if they insisted on checking inside the bags, Ian would have taken the precaution of hiding a sturdy leather cosh under his son/wife’s school cap, and could administering a ‘fandabidozi’ beating, before stashing the unconscious bobbies in the boot, where they would later be chopped up and fed to pigs.”