The lat­estUp­date from Bri­tain’s Favourite Lex­i­con of Filth and Pro­fan­ity

VIZ - - Roger’s Profanisaurus -

ACIAFA/aciafa acro­nym. Pro­nounced “aseearfa”; UK Police ter­mi­nol­ogy re­fer­ring to driv­ers of cer­tain Ger­man au­to­mo­biles who are noted for their shit-wit­ted road­man­ners,

viz. Queue-jump­ing, speed­ing, tail­gat­ing and cut­ting in at the last minute. A Cunt In A Fuck­ingAudi. and I thought they smelled bad on the out­side ex­clam. Quote from The Em­pire Strikes Back that can be ut­tered when hav­ing a cheeky sniff of your fish fin­gers. aswad n. A back beauty. From the fact that a chap might, while giv­ing her one dog­gi­estyle, be minded to sing one of the epony­mous reg­gae-lite group’s hits to him­self, viz. “Don’t Turn­Around”. beer­limic n. A one-pint won­der. He who drinks rub­ber beer. black­fish 1. n. Anick­name given to killer whales. 2. n. A Guin-

ness shite or burnt tyre. See also Ir­ish alarm clock.

blow­hole 1. n. The aper­ture at the top of a cetacean’s head, through which the an­i­mal breathes air. 2. n. A nosher’s mouth.

bolt 1. v. Of a horse, to sud­denly gal­lop off. 2. v. To suf­fer from ex­tremely pre­ma­ture ejac­ula

tion. ‘I got that bird from the Feath­ers who looks like Rachel Ri­ley back to my flat last night.’ ‘Did you give her a good sort­ing, mate?’‘Did I fuck. As soon as she got her tits out I bolted.’

bor­rage v. To reshuf­fle the cabi­net via the trouser pocket. ‘I’ve been ex­pect­ing you, Mr Bond. Please take a seat.’‘With you in a sec­ond, pal. I’m just hav­ing a quick bor­rage. I don’t want to squash me knack­ers.’

choco­late meerkat n. Asize­able stool which pro­trudes from the wa­ter in the lava­tory pan as if scan­ning the area for preda­tors.

clit­bait n. Trite pho­to­graphs and sto­ries on Mail On­line that are de­signed to at­tract lunch­ing of­fice work­ers.

crank­shaft n. The bit of a man that must be vig­or­ously tugged in or­der to get him go­ing.

dark mat­ter 1. n. A mys­te­ri­ous sub­stance that pur­port­edly con­sti­tutes up to 80% of the mass of the uni­verse. 2. n. Mys­te­ri­ous bum rub­bish that emerges from your arse the morn­ing af­ter a heavy night on the black stuff. dress­ing the wound n. The sneaky act of dis­guis­ing a peskily un­flush­able dead ot­ter with a taste­ful shroud of bumwad. dropped lol­lipop, head like

a sim. The nog­gin of a bald­ing man who re­fuses to shave the re­main­ing hair off his head, re­sult­ing in a scalp with sim­i­lar amounts of hair on it toto sticky con­fec­tionery re­trieved from the liv­ing room car­pet. ‘I can’t be­lieve you paid £180 for that hair­cut, Wills. You’ve got a head like a dropped lol­lipop.’ eh?-lis­ter n. A celebrity you’ve never heard of. Usu­ally a “Hol­lyoaks ac­tor” or “re­al­ity star”. ev­er­last­ing, the 1. n. A song from the Manic Street Preach­ers’s 1998 al­bum This Is My Truth Tell

Me Yours. 2. n. A shite that is still stink­ing out the house a full five hours af­ter it was sent to the beach. faminge n. An ex­treme scarcity of buffage; a dearth of fanny. From famine + minge. fart round cor­ners, can phr. Said of some­one of such low tal­ent that their only claim to

fame is the abil­ity to make your eyes wa­ter while not in your di­rect line of sight.

fluffy nut crunch n. Tasty and nu­tri­tious break­fast ce­real made from the de­bris shaken out of an up­turned arm­chair.

force log-off 1. n. Dis­con­nect­ing a user from a com­puter sys­tem and ter­mi­nat­ing the ses­sion by over-rid­ing the man­ual process. 2. n. Fin­ish­ing off a slow Tom tit in a hurry. fub­ble n. While sat in traf­fic on a hot day, a dense, caus­tic Bronx cheer bub­ble that makes its way into the out­side world via the tain­tal crevice. fuck reins n. A woman’s bar­net fash­ioned into lengthy pig­tails such that a gen­tle­man friend can grasp them firmly when ben­ning her. gear­box n. The fe­male bell hous­ing. hairigami n. The an­cient art of fold­ing a few ex­tra-long strands of hair from round the sides and back of a baaldy’s nog­gin into a con­vinc­ing sim­u­lacrum of a coif­fure. ‘That’s a mag­nif­i­cent bit of hairigami you have there, Mr Pres­i­dent. ’‘Door!’

hand party n. An eye sightwreck­ing fes­ti­val of mono­man­ual self plea­sure en­joyed by a man whose bag for life is away for the week­end.

Hawai­ian shorts n. An item of cloth­ing that has been in­vol­un­tar­ily be­fouled fol­low­ing a nasty sur­prise, such as a false alarm about an im­mi­nent mis­sile strike. melon re­fresher 1. n. An in­vig­o­rat­ing flavour of smoothie. 2. n. A tit­wank per­formed on a tired gen­tle­man af­ter a stress­ful day at work.

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