Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

The latestUpdate from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

ACIAFA/aciafa acronym. Pronounced “aseearfa”; UK Police terminology referring to drivers of certain German automobiles who are noted for their shit-witted roadmanners,

viz. Queue-jumping, speeding, tailgating and cutting in at the last minute. A Cunt In A FuckingAudi. and I thought they smelled bad on the outside exclam. Quote from The Empire Strikes Back that can be uttered when having a cheeky sniff of your fish fingers. aswad n. A back beauty. From the fact that a chap might, while giving her one doggiestyle, be minded to sing one of the eponymous reggae-lite group’s hits to himself, viz. “Don’t TurnAround”. beerlimic n. A one-pint wonder. He who drinks rubber beer. blackfish 1. n. Anickname given to killer whales. 2. n. A Guin-

ness shite or burnt tyre. See also Irish alarm clock.

blowhole 1. n. The aperture at the top of a cetacean’s head, through which the animal breathes air. 2. n. A nosher’s mouth.

bolt 1. v. Of a horse, to suddenly gallop off. 2. v. To suffer from extremely premature ejacula

tion. ‘I got that bird from the Feathers who looks like Rachel Riley back to my flat last night.’ ‘Did you give her a good sorting, mate?’‘Did I fuck. As soon as she got her tits out I bolted.’

borrage v. To reshuffle the cabinet via the trouser pocket. ‘I’ve been expecting you, Mr Bond. Please take a seat.’‘With you in a second, pal. I’m just having a quick borrage. I don’t want to squash me knackers.’

chocolate meerkat n. Asizeable stool which protrudes from the water in the lavatory pan as if scanning the area for predators.

clitbait n. Trite photographs and stories on Mail Online that are designed to attract lunching office workers.

crankshaft n. The bit of a man that must be vigorously tugged in order to get him going.

dark matter 1. n. A mysterious substance that purportedly constitutes up to 80% of the mass of the universe. 2. n. Mysterious bum rubbish that emerges from your arse the morning after a heavy night on the black stuff. dressing the wound n. The sneaky act of disguising a peskily unflushable dead otter with a tasteful shroud of bumwad. dropped lollipop, head like

a sim. The noggin of a balding man who refuses to shave the remaining hair off his head, resulting in a scalp with similar amounts of hair on it toto sticky confectionery retrieved from the living room carpet. ‘I can’t believe you paid £180 for that haircut, Wills. You’ve got a head like a dropped lollipop.’ eh?-lister n. A celebrity you’ve never heard of. Usually a “Hollyoaks actor” or “reality star”. everlasting, the 1. n. A song from the Manic Street Preachers’s 1998 album This Is My Truth Tell

Me Yours. 2. n. A shite that is still stinking out the house a full five hours after it was sent to the beach. faminge n. An extreme scarcity of buffage; a dearth of fanny. From famine + minge. fart round corners, can phr. Said of someone of such low talent that their only claim to

fame is the ability to make your eyes water while not in your direct line of sight.

fluffy nut crunch n. Tasty and nutritious breakfast cereal made from the debris shaken out of an upturned armchair.

force log-off 1. n. Disconnecting a user from a computer system and terminating the session by over-riding the manual process. 2. n. Finishing off a slow Tom tit in a hurry. fubble n. While sat in traffic on a hot day, a dense, caustic Bronx cheer bubble that makes its way into the outside world via the taintal crevice. fuck reins n. A woman’s barnet fashioned into lengthy pigtails such that a gentleman friend can grasp them firmly when benning her. gearbox n. The female bell housing. hairigami n. The ancient art of folding a few extra-long strands of hair from round the sides and back of a baaldy’s noggin into a convincing simulacrum of a coiffure. ‘That’s a magnificent bit of hairigami you have there, Mr President. ’‘Door!’

hand party n. An eye sightwrecking festival of monomanual self pleasure enjoyed by a man whose bag for life is away for the weekend.

Hawaiian shorts n. An item of clothing that has been involuntarily befouled following a nasty surprise, such as a false alarm about an imminent missile strike. melon refresher 1. n. An invigorating flavour of smoothie. 2. n. A titwank performed on a tired gentleman after a stressful day at work.